in five years' time, you might just prove me wrong.

Last year, this month would probably elicit an “it’s that time of year again” entry (in fact, it probably did, except I’m way too lazy to check). But unlike all those other times, this time is completely different. First of all, it’s complete winter weather in LA…in June. Excuse me, weather lord? But more importantly, it’s crazy to think that this is the end. This is the last time I’ll be furiously signing yearbooks, cramming every memory into a tiny white page while my marker squeaks and irritates classmates. This is the last time I’ll come home, sink into my bed, and read through people’s yearbook signings and reminisce.

And in just a week, I’ll experience the last day of school feeling for the last time. The freedom that came, the “what am I gonna do with myself for 2 and a half months? NOTHING!” feeling. But this time is going to end up a lot more bittersweet—yes, we have summer and ultimate freedom from high school (no more math class…EVER!), but when will we see the people we’ve grown up with for 12 years again? Possibly never? Even the people we shit talked and the people we occasionally brushed shoulders with in the hallways are people to get sentimental over.

Looking back to last year, I’m glad I didn’t get the friendship part of senioritis that many seniors seem to be attacked by. But I have to admit, it’s a little more painful now. Continuing and building friendships, all the way up until the last moment, until you realize things just won’t be as easy across the state or country. But I still have a little bit more time…right?

and you said, it was like fire around the brim.

i always visit my blog and feel sad that i haven't written in over a month. that being said, this entry has been long overdue. it's been procrastinated over and over by writer's block (mostly because anything burning on my mind goes toward column ideas), schoolwork (back when i cared), and major senioritis. but here i am, three hours before i take the eight hour drive to visit my future home for the next four years. with only seven days of school left, i've finally decided to sit down, lean back and type.

the surreality of it all occupies my mind the most. how did we already get here? i can understand how i'm already past being a freshman, a sophomore, and a junior, but senior year was the biggest blur. it seems like just yesterday that i was taking LA adventures with my friends last summer, and only a week ago that i glared in jealousy at all the seniors who were leaving for college. but now they've become me. we're gonna become those adults that we facebook stalked in jealousy, looking at how they adjusted to college life (err...well at least i did). and we are the ones right now, signing yearbooks, cramming every memory of our friendship in the span of a page, and listing off great friendship traits so they can look back and remember.

i don't want to forget. already, memories of elementary school and what happened with who are slipping out of my mind. i don't want to reach that point in college where i have to strain myself to remember my former best friend's name. high school was a great time, despite the countless nights spent at home studying for a dreaded final or AP. and i want to remember everything: the time i slipped on water in the hallway, all the freshman year parties, the time i attempted all you can eat sushi, that night i had a sleepover at my house and everyone was burning hot...i don't want to forget. and i'll make damn sure (tbs reference) that i won't.

for some time i thought this would be such a conflict of two lives, reflecting on one as if it's in the past and anticipating another coming up in the future. trying to remember all the great times of high school while planning college classes and meeting new friends on facebook and at orientation. but like the multitasker i am, i'm ready to live in both worlds. skypeing and ichatting my friends back home, scattered across the country, and then crawling out of my triple room to hit up yogurt park. maybe it'll be hard. and i'm betting i'll be too lazy to keep in touch with a lot of my high school friends. but to the ones that matter most to me, i will never forget.

up and down but maybe this time, we'll get it right.

At the risk of sounding pompous, of course I've always known that drama isn't worth it. I don't really understand (at all) how people feed off of drama, or arguing, for that matter. Some people just can't seem to go through life without arguing and being contentious. Lately though, I'm more and more pleasantly surprised at the...well, pleasantness of everyone around me.

It feels as if as soon to be college students, we maybe know a little better than to invest so much time and energy into giving dirty glares or making snide remarks at those we despise. With a countdown of about 2 months (!) until the big graduation, I guess most of us have seemed to go through the same thought process as I have: "Wait...why do I even hate this person?" We get so caught up in the process of hating (which, to be honest, is a lot easier than unconditional love) that we start to forget our reasons in the first place. Ill will is gone from my vocabulary, and my bitchy moments are, well, handed out in equal portions to anyone and everyone alike.

Thinking about the progress of these past four years, things all start to make sense. Freshmen year, meeting new people, relatively little drama. Everyone in one big happy group, happy to go to the same party or eat lunch together. Sophomore year, we all start to split as we nitpick little character traits that we despise about one another. Junior year, as we pull our hair out from our overload of AP classes and SATs, the cattiness rages on until about right now, second semester senior year, when we either a) got smart enough to realize that cattiness is just overrated or b) we just don't care enough about high school drama anymore when college is in 5 (!) months.

Happily mulling over our transition and maturing makes me even more grateful for college than I was before. College, the magic word that got me through annoying times in high school. College, the reason I stayed in all those weekends in envy. College, the magic ingredient to our senior lives that really made it a relatively drama-free year. And even though 'college' is making me pull out my hair now in anguish, I am ever grateful that the one word (and all the hope invested into that word) has got me through all this.

let's pretend we don't exist, let's pretend we're in antarctica.

The time's finally come. Years and years of waiting for this moment, when the letters start flooding back in. The anticipation, the thrill that awaits while our shivering hands open the envelope or click on the "View" button. But it's a little surreal that the moment has come (or it will come in a matter of days), and I barely care. Of course it'd be nice to get into my dream school, whatever that may be (and I have no clue either). But at the same time, if I were rejected from every single place from here on out, that wouldn't be such a big deal for me either. Yes, of course I am just saying this because I'm already at my heart's content as to college acceptances and such. But I pictured a different me a year ago; I thought I would be a nervous senior dreading these days that I'm in. Yet, it seems to be more of a heart-pounding anticipation for .005 seconds, immediately followed by a "whatever."

I don't know, for me right now, just being at a college would be so satisfying. I always thought the necessity of actual critical thinking would deem me an automatic failure after high school, but this doesn't seem to really hold true. Maybe I'm being an idealist in my own little world, but it really does seem that college will be the mecca of everything, at least to me. And yet there are still those feelings I didn't think I would have, those strands of me still connected to high school and the people in it, the part of me I forgot about last year but a very integral part that I can't even begin to imagine not having.

But hey, I'm still in high school.

with a little sweet and simple numbing me.

Human behavior is too much for me to handle. Are things really in my control? If I'm aware that I am acting a certain way, do I really have the power to stop it? If I crave to be someone else, is that possible with "willpower" and "ambition"? Or are we stuck as who we are, molded with traits that we can never come out of? In my observations, I suppose changing yourself is completely possible with such concepts like "goals" and "will" (foreign words, frankly, for me). It must be a process where you try so hard to be the perfect self that eventually, you adopt those qualities into your personality. For me, the general trend is that I am a bit too apathetic (or lazy) to care about what I should be like. So it seems to be a more natural progression. A slight change from day to day that you yourself never notice, but a change that is very obvious looking back.

I must be struck with a case of writers block. I've glanced at my blog a couple times this past February and was really disappointed at how bad the past few entries have been. Very rambling and quite boring, to say the least. In all honesty, none of my writing has been good lately, and I'm not acting modest here. I read things that I've written two years ago and am amazed that my less mature self was more introspective and philosophical than my current self. It's not something I'm really focusing on or caring about right now, but it's a pretty sad note.

Speaking of...how is it already March? This entire summer I thought senior year would be one hell ride where I would have the worst senioritis ever and all year long, I would just crave college continuously and somewhat alienate my friends. It seems that this whole scenario has been taken care of during first semester, and now that I'm 3 months away from graduation, I'm becoming the sentimental freak that I never imagined I would be (at least, that's what I'm becoming in my head). I honestly can't imagine not spending time with people I've been spending time with for the last 4 years, not being able to glance at someone when a certain "inside joke" song comes up...I know college will be amazing and all sorts, and I'm not dreading it in any way. But it does seem a bit surreal that there are only 3 months (or technically, 5-6 if you include summer) to spend with people I've grown up with all my life. Maybe I'll look back on this entry in a year and scoff at how stupid this paragraph seems. But right now, this is all I know.

in between the cover of another perfect wonder.

I always find it amusing to witness maturity in others, and even myself. It's pretty evident, reading old yearbooks, how different we sounded back then. What we cared about, or what we found funny. What we freaked out and created drama over. My memory is pretty shoddy, but old journal entries are just so embarrassing to read again. There are so many things where I think, "Wait...that was definitely a mistake." or "Wow, what a stupid, conceited thought to be thinking." But I guess mistakes were meant to be made in the end.

It's also interesting to wonder if I've been changing for the better, or for worse, or if this change is nothing at all except for the fact I just am more oblivious. I guess that in itself is a good thing. It's a little painful to read old entries, even on this, of how whiny I was. This is all the more amusing knowing that I will hit a rough spot and go through the same motions again, but hopefully this time I will look back on this particular date and get myself out of that rut.

There's something about pressure to write something, anything that makes the writing hazardous. I don't really know how anyone really gets out of writers block until struck by inspiration. That whole "just start writing" exercise doesn't really work.

So, until I'm struck with better ideas...

the zipping white light beams disregarding bombs and satellites.

More than anything, I'm realizing over and over that everything does always work out in the end. I always thought that was one of those bullshit things people tell you to make you feel better for the time being. But then I realize that we all feel like that every time we are told that statement, when we are feeling like shit and moping around. And when it all gets better, and it really does become alright in the end, we don't really go back to think about how it all really worked out pretty nicely. But I'm looking back, and in so many aspects, everything is just so nice as it is, right now. It's like a sudden onset of luck poured onto me, and as scared as I am that it will all come crashing down, the trying optimist in me is just embracing it as it is right now.

Completely random, but I've realized that I have way too many pet peeves. Besides the occasional "the reason is because" which I don't even notice as much anymore, the worst is when people come into my car and turn the volume way up. God, I just want to smash the keys of my computer just thinking about it. If I wanted to blow out my eardrums by setting my volume to 50, I would do so myself. I really don't see the point in turning my stereo way up so every goddamn person in the world can hear what I'm listening to. Jesus. Obnoxiously loud laughter bothers me too, but that's more arbitrary. And of course, a whole lot of driving pet peeves, most of them having to do with turn indicators (people not using them, people not turning them off, people "turning left" when they're in the fast lane in the freeway, blah blah).

I guess this entry is pretty pointless...