notebooks and mixtapes.

2009-09-30T01:15:00.000-07:00

The most used words of this blog.

we still got the taste dancing on our tongues.

2009-09-08T00:55:00.000-07:00

First order of business: yes, I'm back. I've decided to use Salinger At Rest for my fashion and other random ramblings that are too mundane to go in here. And I don't even know what my Livejournal is for; I suppose for those times I need to rant about personal issues or obsess over G-Dragon (who is surprisingly being mentioned here and there for the #musicmonday trending topic...legit!) But I missed writing here, my high school past wishing for bigger and better things while I slaved away studying for APs or trying to go on Facebook while my mom thinks I'm writing my essay. I figure that now I'm finally here, the supposed good life, I might as well update everyone on how it's really turning out.

Well, the way I'm approaching schoolwork is pretty similar. Procrastinating till the very end, studying till the wee hours of night, and definitely getting distracted by my computer's beckoning call. But as every cheesy college experience goes, the several weeks I've been here I have met amazing people (namely, floormates-the dorms are just amazing for that) and I'm so excited to join magazines and other clubs. Of course, college isn't a perfect mecca where you show up and you automatically have a built in core group of friends that you'll love for the rest of your life. The classes aren't just the right dose of challenging, and the freshman 15? It does exist (though maybe not 15 pounds, I'm fucking gaining).

The first couple of days are a flurry of awkwardness, too many introductions and forgetting everyone's name within half a minute. There are ice cream socials and random meet-ups where you ask the typical what's your name/major/dorm questions. And those hot guys in your lecture? If they even do exist, there's no fucking way you'll get to talk to them unless they happen to be in your discussion section-and even then, good luck. College isn't perfect, which the 11th grader me should've known. But that same 16-year-old girl should know that college is pretty damn close to it.

There's freedom (too much of it, at times). No one's going to yell at you to do your homework, and no one's going to tell you to be back from the party by 1. You can stay up all night, eat cup noodles every fucking meal, and never be sober. But more than all that freedom, what I'm more grateful for is the maturity that instantly comes with college. Those instincts when you know that you shouldn't go out because you have a lot of reading to do. When you know not to start drama with a floormate only a few days into the year (or hook up with them, either). When you know to stock up on quarters because shit, laundry is expensive.

I feel another post coming later this week (but I don't know what about). The point was, life is pretty damn fabulous. And I'm hoping it gets even better.

2009-07-30T12:02:00.000-07:00

TEMPORARILY MOVED: subtitles.tumblr.com

in five years' time, you might just prove me wrong.

2009-06-10T21:16:00.000-07:00

Last year, this month would probably elicit an “it’s that time of year again” entry (in fact, it probably did, except I’m way too lazy to check). But unlike all those other times, this time is completely different. First of all, it’s complete winter weather in LA…in June. Excuse me, weather lord? But more importantly, it’s crazy to think that this is the end. This is the last time I’ll be furiously signing yearbooks, cramming every memory into a tiny white page while my marker squeaks and irritates classmates. This is the last time I’ll come home, sink into my bed, and read through people’s yearbook signings and reminisce.

And in just a week, I’ll experience the last day of school feeling for the last time. The freedom that came, the “what am I gonna do with myself for 2 and a half months? NOTHING!” feeling. But this time is going to end up a lot more bittersweet—yes, we have summer and ultimate freedom from high school (no more math class…EVER!), but when will we see the people we’ve grown up with for 12 years again? Possibly never? Even the people we shit talked and the people we occasionally brushed shoulders with in the hallways are people to get sentimental over.

Looking back to last year, I’m glad I didn’t get the friendship part of senioritis that many seniors seem to be attacked by. But I have to admit, it’s a little more painful now. Continuing and building friendships, all the way up until the last moment, until you realize things just won’t be as easy across the state or country. But I still have a little bit more time…right?

and you said, it was like fire around the brim.

2009-06-04T19:09:00.000-07:00

i always visit my blog and feel sad that i haven't written in over a month. that being said, this entry has been long overdue. it's been procrastinated over and over by writer's block (mostly because anything burning on my mind goes toward column ideas), schoolwork (back when i cared), and major senioritis. but here i am, three hours before i take the eight hour drive to visit my future home for the next four years. with only seven days of school left, i've finally decided to sit down, lean back and type.

the surreality of it all occupies my mind the most. how did we already get here? i can understand how i'm already past being a freshman, a sophomore, and a junior, but senior year was the biggest blur. it seems like just yesterday that i was taking LA adventures with my friends last summer, and only a week ago that i glared in jealousy at all the seniors who were leaving for college. but now they've become me. we're gonna become those adults that we facebook stalked in jealousy, looking at how they adjusted to college life (err...well at least i did). and we are the ones right now, signing yearbooks, cramming every memory of our friendship in the span of a page, and listing off great friendship traits so they can look back and remember.

i don't want to forget. already, memories of elementary school and what happened with who are slipping out of my mind. i don't want to reach that point in college where i have to strain myself to remember my former best friend's name. high school was a great time, despite the countless nights spent at home studying for a dreaded final or AP. and i want to remember everything: the time i slipped on water in the hallway, all the freshman year parties, the time i attempted all you can eat sushi, that night i had a sleepover at my house and everyone was burning hot...i don't want to forget. and i'll make damn sure (tbs reference) that i won't.

for some time i thought this would be such a conflict of two lives, reflecting on one as if it's in the past and anticipating another coming up in the future. trying to remember all the great times of high school while planning college classes and meeting new friends on facebook and at orientation. but like the multitasker i am, i'm ready to live in both worlds. skypeing and ichatting my friends back home, scattered across the country, and then crawling out of my triple room to hit up yogurt park. maybe it'll be hard. and i'm betting i'll be too lazy to keep in touch with a lot of my high school friends. but to the ones that matter most to me, i will never forget.

up and down but maybe this time, we'll get it right.

2009-04-08T22:35:00.000-07:00

At the risk of sounding pompous, of course I've always known that drama isn't worth it. I don't really understand (at all) how people feed off of drama, or arguing, for that matter. Some people just can't seem to go through life without arguing and being contentious. Lately though, I'm more and more pleasantly surprised at the...well, pleasantness of everyone around me.

It feels as if as soon to be college students, we maybe know a little better than to invest so much time and energy into giving dirty glares or making snide remarks at those we despise. With a countdown of about 2 months (!) until the big graduation, I guess most of us have seemed to go through the same thought process as I have: "Wait...why do I even hate this person?" We get so caught up in the process of hating (which, to be honest, is a lot easier than unconditional love) that we start to forget our reasons in the first place. Ill will is gone from my vocabulary, and my bitchy moments are, well, handed out in equal portions to anyone and everyone alike.

Thinking about the progress of these past four years, things all start to make sense. Freshmen year, meeting new people, relatively little drama. Everyone in one big happy group, happy to go to the same party or eat lunch together. Sophomore year, we all start to split as we nitpick little character traits that we despise about one another. Junior year, as we pull our hair out from our overload of AP classes and SATs, the cattiness rages on until about right now, second semester senior year, when we either a) got smart enough to realize that cattiness is just overrated or b) we just don't care enough about high school drama anymore when college is in 5 (!) months.

Happily mulling over our transition and maturing makes me even more grateful for college than I was before. College, the magic word that got me through annoying times in high school. College, the reason I stayed in all those weekends in envy. College, the magic ingredient to our senior lives that really made it a relatively drama-free year. And even though 'college' is making me pull out my hair now in anguish, I am ever grateful that the one word (and all the hope invested into that word) has got me through all this.

let's pretend we don't exist, let's pretend we're in antarctica.

2009-03-15T15:28:00.000-07:00

The time's finally come. Years and years of waiting for this moment, when the letters start flooding back in. The anticipation, the thrill that awaits while our shivering hands open the envelope or click on the "View" button. But it's a little surreal that the moment has come (or it will come in a matter of days), and I barely care. Of course it'd be nice to get into my dream school, whatever that may be (and I have no clue either). But at the same time, if I were rejected from every single place from here on out, that wouldn't be such a big deal for me either. Yes, of course I am just saying this because I'm already at my heart's content as to college acceptances and such. But I pictured a different me a year ago; I thought I would be a nervous senior dreading these days that I'm in. Yet, it seems to be more of a heart-pounding anticipation for .005 seconds, immediately followed by a "whatever."

I don't know, for me right now, just being at a college would be so satisfying. I always thought the necessity of actual critical thinking would deem me an automatic failure after high school, but this doesn't seem to really hold true. Maybe I'm being an idealist in my own little world, but it really does seem that college will be the mecca of everything, at least to me. And yet there are still those feelings I didn't think I would have, those strands of me still connected to high school and the people in it, the part of me I forgot about last year but a very integral part that I can't even begin to imagine not having.

But hey, I'm still in high school.

with a little sweet and simple numbing me.

2009-03-01T17:45:00.000-08:00

Human behavior is too much for me to handle. Are things really in my control? If I'm aware that I am acting a certain way, do I really have the power to stop it? If I crave to be someone else, is that possible with "willpower" and "ambition"? Or are we stuck as who we are, molded with traits that we can never come out of? In my observations, I suppose changing yourself is completely possible with such concepts like "goals" and "will" (foreign words, frankly, for me). It must be a process where you try so hard to be the perfect self that eventually, you adopt those qualities into your personality. For me, the general trend is that I am a bit too apathetic (or lazy) to care about what I should be like. So it seems to be a more natural progression. A slight change from day to day that you yourself never notice, but a change that is very obvious looking back.

I must be struck with a case of writers block. I've glanced at my blog a couple times this past February and was really disappointed at how bad the past few entries have been. Very rambling and quite boring, to say the least. In all honesty, none of my writing has been good lately, and I'm not acting modest here. I read things that I've written two years ago and am amazed that my less mature self was more introspective and philosophical than my current self. It's not something I'm really focusing on or caring about right now, but it's a pretty sad note.

Speaking of...how is it already March? This entire summer I thought senior year would be one hell ride where I would have the worst senioritis ever and all year long, I would just crave college continuously and somewhat alienate my friends. It seems that this whole scenario has been taken care of during first semester, and now that I'm 3 months away from graduation, I'm becoming the sentimental freak that I never imagined I would be (at least, that's what I'm becoming in my head). I honestly can't imagine not spending time with people I've been spending time with for the last 4 years, not being able to glance at someone when a certain "inside joke" song comes up...I know college will be amazing and all sorts, and I'm not dreading it in any way. But it does seem a bit surreal that there are only 3 months (or technically, 5-6 if you include summer) to spend with people I've grown up with all my life. Maybe I'll look back on this entry in a year and scoff at how stupid this paragraph seems. But right now, this is all I know.

in between the cover of another perfect wonder.

2009-02-08T21:51:00.000-08:00

I always find it amusing to witness maturity in others, and even myself. It's pretty evident, reading old yearbooks, how different we sounded back then. What we cared about, or what we found funny. What we freaked out and created drama over. My memory is pretty shoddy, but old journal entries are just so embarrassing to read again. There are so many things where I think, "Wait...that was definitely a mistake." or "Wow, what a stupid, conceited thought to be thinking." But I guess mistakes were meant to be made in the end.

It's also interesting to wonder if I've been changing for the better, or for worse, or if this change is nothing at all except for the fact I just am more oblivious. I guess that in itself is a good thing. It's a little painful to read old entries, even on this, of how whiny I was. This is all the more amusing knowing that I will hit a rough spot and go through the same motions again, but hopefully this time I will look back on this particular date and get myself out of that rut.

There's something about pressure to write something, anything that makes the writing hazardous. I don't really know how anyone really gets out of writers block until struck by inspiration. That whole "just start writing" exercise doesn't really work.

So, until I'm struck with better ideas...

the zipping white light beams disregarding bombs and satellites.

2009-01-31T13:53:00.000-08:00

More than anything, I'm realizing over and over that everything does always work out in the end. I always thought that was one of those bullshit things people tell you to make you feel better for the time being. But then I realize that we all feel like that every time we are told that statement, when we are feeling like shit and moping around. And when it all gets better, and it really does become alright in the end, we don't really go back to think about how it all really worked out pretty nicely. But I'm looking back, and in so many aspects, everything is just so nice as it is, right now. It's like a sudden onset of luck poured onto me, and as scared as I am that it will all come crashing down, the trying optimist in me is just embracing it as it is right now.

Completely random, but I've realized that I have way too many pet peeves. Besides the occasional "the reason is because" which I don't even notice as much anymore, the worst is when people come into my car and turn the volume way up. God, I just want to smash the keys of my computer just thinking about it. If I wanted to blow out my eardrums by setting my volume to 50, I would do so myself. I really don't see the point in turning my stereo way up so every goddamn person in the world can hear what I'm listening to. Jesus. Obnoxiously loud laughter bothers me too, but that's more arbitrary. And of course, a whole lot of driving pet peeves, most of them having to do with turn indicators (people not using them, people not turning them off, people "turning left" when they're in the fast lane in the freeway, blah blah).

I guess this entry is pretty pointless...

we'll get there fast and then we'll take it slow.

2009-01-23T21:25:00.000-08:00

This is it...I am officially a second semester senior. But just like the new year, or a 17th birthday, nothing feels different whatsoever. I am and will probably remain the same student, procrastinating her homework yet still maintaining a little ounce of caring about her grades. Of course, maybe this whole "second semester" business isn't hitting me because I've never let the whole "grades matter" situation stop me from not giving a shit. But it's nice to know that now, I'm allowed to not care, and most everyone will be on the same boat with me. All aboard! Procrastination + nonproductivity = fun times.

I don't know what it is about online personality tests, but they're so goddamn addictive. I finally took the Meyer-Briggs Personality Test (there are 16 different personality types) and after taking different quizzes four or five times, settled on INFP as the one that most describes me (although I must say, I suppose my indecisiveness and "derisiveness and sarcasm toward others" is from my INFJ side). It seems kind of cliche to take a test and then say "omg, that's totally me," but it is pretty true. I mean...I am definitely

Sensitive and perceptive about what others are feeling
Likely to recognize and appreciate other's need for space
Flexible and diverse
May tend to be shy and reserved
Don't like to have their "space" invaded
Extreme dislike of conflict
Extreme dislike of criticism
Strong need to receive praise and positive affirmation
May perceive criticism where none was intended
Tend to be reserved about expressing their feelings
Perfectionistic tendencies may cause them to not give themselves enough credit
Tendency to blame themselves for problems, and hold everything on their own shoulders
Under stress, may obsessively brood over a problem repeatedly

I just realized that most of those things are negative but I don't know, I never took my "extreme dislike of conflict" as a bad thing. It really isn't like I'm just taking this test and accepting my INFP-ness as my true destiny forever.

People may not be able to gather it from the occasional glance at this blog, but as much as I say it doesn't, I do change. From middle school until now, I'm such a different person. I mean for one, I didn't make as many sardonic comments, because I definitely talked way less. And since that's a problem I've conquered and kicked out of the stratosphere (almost), I guess it's just one step at a time for me. Maybe this is true or maybe it's not, but I don't think I can drastically change to be the perfect self, nor do I really want to suddenly become that new person. It's way more rewarding to see it gradually happen, and it reeks of fakeness to act like a person you're not, no matter how hard you're trying to be it. There is that Kurt Vonnegut quote "We are what we pretend to be" (how cynical...high five) but I don't buy it. No matter how hard you try, you can't adopt a new personality and try to be something you're not just by acting like it everyday. Maybe it's the fact that you know you're trying to fake it that never lets us get past that barrier. But either way, I know what I want to overcome ("tendency to blame themselves for problems" would definitely be one) and I am working on it. How slow it must seem for the witness, but to me, I'm making progress.

we've got a place for the night, what are you worried about?

2009-01-11T17:32:00.000-08:00

Finals are approaching, and we're probably in the worst state of all. Two or three months more of the waiting game, along with some scholarship and financial aid forms on the way. I'm trying to get through the next two weeks thinking that these are the last tests that will actually matter, except that these last few tests really fucking matter for me.

Oh, I don't know. I always pictured myself having hardcore senioritis second semester, and as those days are approaching quickly, I'm starting to change my mindset. Granted, I will always be lazy and procrastinate my homework, or not do it at all. But I've been doing that for so long, for almost three years, that one semester is not going to change me even more. I don't think I'll ever think that the grades don't matter. That I'm already into college, so whatever. But who knows? Maybe my unproductivity can get worse. Kind of scary, but true nonetheless.

The past three weeks, I've gathered that I am going to be a shitty mother. This could sound cruel or heartless, but I'm just not a big fan of babies in general. Little children really annoy me, which is why I don't think I could ever be a teacher. I don't have patience. I don't have the tenacity to encourage these kids or make them listen to me. In fact, even when they really really like me (like my cousin who recently visited), I just don't have the energy to entertain them or amuse them with cutesy little things. Plus, I can't cook (unless eggs are included in said definition of cooking). Things could change from now and ten years from now, though. Maybe I'll suddenly be the perfect suburban mom when the writing career goes under.

(This is for those of you who've been reading this old thing so long that you actually remember this minute detail.) I finally finished my test roll for my Olympus XA and got it developed today. Most of them were really blurry, probably because I still haven't quite grasped what the film speed and aperture really mean in conjunction with each other. Others came out really fucked up (in a good way), rainbow colors running all over the place. Now I suppose I'll start carrying it around and using it properly.

I guess that'll be all. My mind's a blur from the (non-)anticipation of finals and the cramming that ensues.

give up your life, cause you cannot fight the television.

2009-01-03T12:32:00.000-08:00

Lately, I've found myself in TV show phases. I actually sit down to watch a show I've been meaning to watch for months, and I immediately fall in love. Then I proceed to either a) have a long marathon of every single episode ever, b) try downloading as many episodes as possible before I can't find anymore online, or c) get caught up on Wikipedia and then start watching every week. All of this happens until, inevitably, I have watched all the episodes I could and then get lazy or forget about it in the midst of falling in love with some other show. The fact that I don't have cable doesn't help any of this. Just to put you guys to bed and to put off my homework, I feel like elucidating which shows I've been obsessed with (You can all stop reading now).

1. Gossip Girl. This one's quite obvious, and probably my biggest. I religiously watch this show with my mom every Monday, and sacrifice not one, but two of my other obsessions to devote a full hour to Blair, Chuck, Dan, Serena, Jenny, and the rest of those Upper East Siders. I remember bagging on anyone who watched this show earlier on because I thought it would suck major ass, considering Jenny wasn't even a double D midget and Vanessa just wasn't bald, as they were in the novels. So much for that. Sometime in between witnessing how well Leighton Meester portrays Blair and drooling over Penn Badgley, I became a GG addict. XOXO...

2. House. Medical dramas usually aren't my cup of tea. I did watch Grey's Anatomy for a while until it became too frustrating to watch Meredith and McDreamy be on, off, on, then off again. House completely obliterated that tradition of mine. How could it not? Gregory House is so fucking outrageous and hilarious; Wilson is the sweetest and most competent sidekick ever; and Cuddy just plain rules. Not to mention the entire reality show-themed team picking that House conducted on season 4, which was full of win. Thirteen, Kutner, and Taub can kick Foreman, Chase, and Cameron's ass anyday (though they're still on the show, as proved by Foreteen. I mean, really?).

3. How I Met Your Mother. I will admit, the title is the stupidest thing I've heard in a long time. It sounds like one of those bad "yo mama" jokes, so I thought the show would be yet another sitcom I can't stand (hello, Everybody Loves Raymond). But once I actually understood the premise and discovered that a) Jason Segel is on the show, b) Barney is fucking awesome, and c) I would marry Ted anyday, this show almost replaces Friends. I really am being driven insane about who the fuck the mother could be, but oh well. It's refreshing to see a sitcom that is so connected from episode to episode, instead of a random scenario each time. Honestly, I can't wait to finish my marathon and watch this show forever (which also coincides with Gossip Girl, and House. I guess Monday at 8 pm is a really popular time...)

4. Mad Men. This show is fucking good; I can say it no other way. It's such a great period drama, and it's kind of scary how well they portray NYC in the 1960s. I love every character, especially Don Draper (who doesn't?), sleazebag Pete Campbell, the naive-turned-intelligent Peggy Olson, the amazing secretary Joan Holloway, and the surprisingly sexy Roger Sterling. I'm so addicted to this show and I wish so much that it wasn't on AMC, a definite cable channel if I ever saw one. I don't know how long it's going to take to watch every episode (probably a really long time), but I'm going to try and prolong it as long as possible. Even the opening theme is RJD2. Could anything be more perfect?

5. Psych. This show had confused me for the longest time when I saw random bits and pieces of it in passing. Is this Shawn dude a fucking psychic or not? Why the fuck would he pretend to be a psychic? If he's not a psychic, then how can he solve all of these cases? I finally watched the pilot and it all clicked. Psych is a lot funnier than I thought it would be; Shawn and Gus have the best chemistry, even though Gus is a bit of a pushover. I'm not sure if I'll ever get around to finishing this series, because there's no drive to find out what's next (considering it's just oh, Shawn and Gus solve a case, again! Lassiter's pissed as shit! Jules is amazed! The dad makes Shawn do something for him! The end!) but it doesn't mean I'm not totally in love with this show. Also, I'm not gonna lie...it beats Monk any day (OCD is fun for a little bit, but it gets a tad bit boring after a while).

6. Freaks And Geeks. This show would definitely be #2, or somewhere near there, if it wasn't for the fact that NBC sadly canceled this beloved TV show after one season. Not only was this Judd Apatow's darling, the actors in this show are kind of ridiculous: Seth Rogen (check), Jason Segel (check), Linda Cardellini (check), and James Franco (CHECK). This show was full of understated humor, my favorite kind, and really portrayed high school better than anything The OC could show (which might be why this got canceled, and The OC was canceled well after it should've been...I did love that show too, though). If some Freaks And Geeks reunion episode were to happen, I am so there.

7. Entourage. One name: Ari Gold. This guy might have the best one-liners in the history of TV shows (or the ones that I've watched, at least). Sure, the show was too depressing to watch after Vince's fall from grace, and Drama is just not as pretty to look at. Plus, I miss those Eric and Sloane days. Regardless, this show is awesome to watch for the celebrity cameos, the total bromance of the posse, and of course, the Ari Gold scenes.

8. The Office. I clearly do not watch this show enough. But whenever I do, the delight that is Jim and Pam...together...makes up for my guilt. I remember the old days when it was Jim and Pam, not together, with all that tension and unrequited love on Jim's part. I realize that there is a whole other part of this show besides the romance, namely, the stupidity that is Dwight Schrute and the even more stupid Michael Scott. And of course, the bitchy Angela and the gay Oscar and Stanley...okay, fuck, I really have to start religiously watching this show again.

9. Weeds. It would be quite nice if I were still obsessed with this show, but ever since Nancy got out of Agrestic this show kind of blows. Okay, and I can just not take the disturbingness that is Shane masturbating to photos of his mom. Seriously, ew. But still, in the delightful days of the DEA, U-Turn, crazy Kat, and gay Justin Chatwin (the pilot is still my favorite episode), Weeds used to be the bomb. Mary Louise Parker is a fabulous actor, and Hunter Parrish...no words needed. Plus, Weeds has the best guest stars (Zooey Deschanel? Mary Kate Olsen? I'm sold).

10. Burn Notice. I'll be honest, this show is not quality television. The cinematography really bothers me, and the transitions are faulty and really bad. Still, Michael Westen is a badass and spy shows are so totally awesome to watch, especially if the entire 2 seasons were incredibly easy to download and happen to be living in your iPod. Maybe I'm reliving those old days of Alias (remember that show?) but I'll be watching this for a while, finding out why the hell random government kids burned the guy.

Of course, I have other shows I've been obsessed with, or tried to be obsessed with but became daunted at the number of episodes. Hannah Montana, for one, which I watched every single episode of (until the newest season) just for the hell of it. Or 90210 to see what happens next in the typically formulaic drama (not that I really care...if the formula works, I'll take it). And then there were those shows I used to be obsessed with, like Life As We Know It (another one of those great high school TV shows that got canceled really quickly), Love Monkey (also canceled...but really cute), The OC (I know I bashed, but honestly. What teenage girl didn't love this show?), and Daria (this definitely falls into the "daunted at the number of episodes" category, but I have it to rely on when I get bored). Also, obviously, I have shows that I want to fall in love with if I had the time: 30 Rock, Scrubs, Arrested Development (I'm starting to work on that one), Skins, My So-Called Life, Undeclared, Dexter, Flight Of The Conchords, Veronica Mars, and Bones.

If you're actually still reading this incredibly long entry, you deserve a break. Go watch some television.

they call me quiet girl, but i'm a riot.

2008-12-30T16:45:00.000-08:00

It's been a little over a year since I started this particular blog. This was an experiment launched for three reasons:
1. GJ failed on us, and the transition to LJ was boring.
2. the Blogger layout was really appealing.
3. Blogger is public, which was probably the most attractive quality about this blog. The fact that everyone could read it, and everyone might read it, or at the very least, I could write with everyone in mind instead of the regular two or three people I usually write for.

So that's how this old thing was born. I made it one of my endless New Year's Resolutions to update regularly, which happened most of the time (except when finals and APs came along).
So after a year of posting random entries with a random lyric as a title and a random photograph to accompany it, I've discovered that good things do happen. Things do change, and not just circumstances or friends made and gone. Here's what I've realized this year...

1. I may not be that open in person, but Jesus Christ, I have no censor when I'm telling the Internet things about myself. It's something I never realized entry-to-entry, since I just type what I'm thinking and then move on. But the fact I can be so shameless while typing away in this window still amazes me.
2. More people read this than I thought. I couldn't count how many conversations this year have started with "OMG, I read your blog the other day!" I even wrote one entry with someone in mind and that person brought it up the next day, saying that they "could totally relate." Major laughs.
3. This thing actually helps when I'm in an incredibly shitty mood and I write about it. It's not so much the sporadic, sympathetic comments, nor the thrill of having it out in the open for all to potentially read, but just the fact that these thoughts in my brain have articulated themselves into concrete words. And surprisingly, I like this blog the most out of any that I've had (actually, it's probably on par with GJ...RIP).

Needless to say, I am obviously going to shoot for another yearlong stint with this blog, probably bitching about how unfair college admissions are or talking about my new Jonas Brothers replacement. And who knows? I'm not promising anything. I don't know if I'll suddenly stop writing in this because I don't feel the need to, or if I'm going to update a whole lot more because my insecurity level increased tenfold. I don't really want to know right now either.

Which brings me to my next point...2009 is almost here, and my usual tradition of having a huge list of resolutions would accompany this post. Usually I'd have a ginormous numbered list of how I need to speak up, care more, stop procrastinating, do this, do that...but this year, fuck that. I pretty much have the same resolutions year after year, which is kind of dumb. If the resolutions were working, I wouldn't need any repeats, would I? So, I've decided to only have one solitary resolution this year, one I really want to keep.

1. Accept the present.

Too many times this year I've been stuck in the past, wanting things the way they used to be. I would be stuck in my hopes for the future, hoping things would turn out a particular way to benefit me. But no more. I want to just embrace what comes, whether it's really good or really shitty. Maybe I'll whine and bitch for a little, but I don't want to think that anything is the be all and end all of my life, because it's not. So really, I want to keep in mind: Shit happens. Deal with it.

So there's the end of that. No want of change or anything on my list this year, because honestly, I could care less about being a perfect archetype of the most lovable person right now. Maybe my current opinion about change will change in the near future, but again, I'll deal with that when it comes.

the SEVENTEEN albums of 2008.

2008-12-21T20:12:00.000-08:00

I know last year I went for only ten, but this year I have that plus five honorable mentions, and two others that would lower my cred if it went in my actual list. Just kidding...kind of. So here we go, in order (although I'm going to be tempted to rearrange these over and over)! Not the newspaper's favorite albums of the year, but legitimately mine this time.

THE TOP TEN:
Vampire Weekend-Vampire Weekend. I feel like this album came out years ago, probably because I heard most of this album just as 2008 was sprouting its tiny legs. But no matter how many times I play "Oxford Comma" over and over, these songs honestly never get old. All the African, French classical, whatever influences this band has, I love it all. Vampire Weekend, please bestow a new album for us all during 2009. If it's anything at all like "Ottoman" I will love you for life. Not that I don't already...how could I not love a band that has its lead singer don a Ralph Lauren dog-embroidered sweater?

Of Montreal-Skeletal Lamping. Haters to the left. I've been stuck in this sex-crazed wild party that Kevin Barnes is hosting ever since I got this album. So many of the lyrics are clever, or random, or just plain insane, which I totally dig. Songs like "For Our Elegant Caste" get stuck in my head, but I can't exactly go around singing "we can do it softcore if you want" without getting strange looks. No big deal, I'll just privately dance in my car like I usually do. Just know this, Of Montreal: I can't help if it's true, I just want to play with you.

Fleet Foxes-Fleet Foxes. If I wanted to be completely uncreative and lazy, I could just copy what I wrote for the paper, but I won't since Fleet Foxes is that worth it. I feel like I uncovered my Band of Horses of 2008, although they do have their differences. I want to hear this album forever while I'm out in the woods, toasting marshmallows around a campfire. "White Water Hymnal" makes me drool every time I play it because of its fabulous harmonies.

M83-Saturdays=Youth. I feel like a cheater to put this on my list, because I only got this album last week or so. But seriously, I've been playing it so many times and the songs are so legit. They're dreamy, they're ethereal, they're super synthesized, whatever--I totally understand why this album is on every blog's top 10. It's going to be one of those things that when I look back to this post next April, I'll say "Wow! I totally would've put that at #1 since I love it even more now." Here's to M83.

Lady Gaga-The Fame. Lady Gaga is so easy to write about, since this album seriously was the soundtrack of my summer. Some songs are not super amazing, but the latter half makes up for all of it tenfold. You may only know "Just Dance" and "Poker Face," or maybe a couple more thanks to Gossip Girl, but it's straight up fact that 1) Lady Gaga dresses weirder than Bjork and 2) her dance songs are amazing. Fuck Britney Spears: she may have one or two good singles, but Lady Gaga wrote them. Take that.

Jack's Mannequin-The Glass Passenger. Oh, Andrew McMahon. We all waited and waited for your sophomore album, and you delivered not only that, but some spectacular EPs to go with it. And wow, your album is amazing. People might think you're overrated but as a huge SoCo fan, I will never get over you. I can't even list songs because I really dig all of them (okay, I really really like "Orphans" and "Caves.") Please, Andrew, can you marry your piano? The two of you are so fierce.

Anthony Green-Avalon. Circa Survive is bomb. So is The Sounds of Animals Fighting. But Anthony Green is at his prime when he's all alone, singing these acoustic songs that are catchy as hell. I loved "Drugdealer" ever since he sang it at SXSW last year, and it's even better polished and produced. And how could this album be even better? Colin Frangicetto of Circa Survive remixed the whole damn thing! God loves me so.

Santogold-Santogold. I stumbled upon Santogold totally by chance. Browsing my usual downloading website of choice, here flashed a trippy two-song EP cover advertising Santogold, saying I'd love her if I dug M.I.A. The huge Arular fan that I am, I downloaded it and man, I loved it. Hearing more random songs, especially the "You'll Find A Way (Switch and Graeme Sinden Remix)" solidified my love. By the time the rest of the blogosphere caught on, I kind of forgot all about Santogold but revisiting 2008 albums, of course, I could never forget the craziness that is this album.

Lil' Wayne-Tha Carter III. Wow. In the misogynistic, radio hit land of hip-hop and rap, it was for sure Lil' Wayne's year. I can't even count how many "call me so I can make it juicy for ya" or "bitch, I'm the bomb like tick tick" bumper stickers I got. Or that one time I was waiting in line at Six Flags and these 30-year-olds were dancing to Lil' Wayne creeping out of their phone. This man simply cannot be escaped and honestly, I wouldn't want to be. Now excuse me while I listen to "Mr. Carter" for the 10th time today.

Lykke Li-Youth Novels. Lykke Li's face sort of bothers me, but regardless of that I LOVE this album. Her distinctive Swedish voice and sweet electropop will entice anyone (or at least girls) into her charm. The music video for "I'm Good, I'm Gone" is hypnotic and one of my favorites this year (maybe because it was free on iTunes, so it permanently lives in my iPod), as is the song itself. 3OH!3's remix and Friendly Fires' cover of the same song are just as amusing and fascinating.

THE HONORABLE MENTIONS:
MGMT-Oracular Spectacular. I know you're all wondering, "How in the world could she possibly put MGMT in the honorable mentions?!" Because, simply put, I only reallllly love the first five songs and all the rest kind of fade to the back of my mind, never to be recalled again. Of course "Electric Feel" is amazing and catchy as shit. Of course I know all the words to "Kids"; of course "Time To Pretend" is my jam. Of course I fucking love MGMT. Now stop questioning me.

The Academy Is...-Fast Times At Barrington High. Like the judgmental fans we are, not many TAI fans liked Santi. It wasn't the Almost Here we were all used to and in love with. So for their third endeavor, William Beckett threw a big pop-punk gem in our faces. Okay, got the picture. At first this album was also a bit disappointing, especially "His Girl Friday" which was as cliche and stupid as cookie-cutter songs come. But looking at my iTunes, I've played this album an inexplicable number of times, and I really really like every other song. Congratulations, TAI, you pleased me.

Lenka-Lenka. I won't lie, Teen Vogue has been introducing me to some killer bands this year, like Chester French and yours truly, Lenka. Okay, so her music not be that off-kilter or original, but something about "Skipalong" and "The Show" made me have a aural epiphany and go to heaven. Plus, if you're the type of person who would like Lenka in the first place, the entire album is pretty much in the same vein, i.e. spectacular.

She & Him-Volume One. Zooey Deschanel and M. Ward. Could they be any more well-paired? This album is kitschy, a throwback to the 40s or 50s or whatever era. "Change Is Hard" is hands down one of the best songs, ever, and I adore the banjo that Zooey plays throughout the album. Seriously, my girl crush for this woman is growing by the second. Anxiously waiting for Volume Two...

Girl Talk-Feed The Animals. This album was free. Legally, totally free. Thanks Greg Gillis, you're the bomb. This album was also fabulous, with more of the same seamless mash-ups, stuffing Kanye West, Radiohead, and Ben Folds Five in less than a minute. So yes, I should've totally loved this album. It should've been in the top 10. But all I could think whenever I listened to it was "Night Ripper was better, catchier, more amazing." So there it goes...

WHAT I WOULD CALL GUILTY PLEASURES, IF I BELIEVED IN THEM:
Taylor Swift-Fearless. It scares me how much I love this album. As a standard Jonas Brothers fan I used to love to hate Taylor Swift, but honestly screw the Jonas Brothers and bring on the Taylor love. I don't care if the lyrics are childish or talk about Romeo and Juliet, or if she is labelled country. In fact, I'm not even hearing your digs at Taylor Swift since I'm too busy blasting "Hey Stephen." I guess some part everyone's criticism is well-deserved, though, because I know if I didn't care this album would be number 3...which is kind of pathetic, even on my part.

Akon-Freedom. This time last year I would have thought that T-Pain would be in this category, or somewhere on this list. But Thr33 Ringz was horrible (and horribly spelled...are we trying to resurrect some "Sk8er Boi" spelling or some shit?) and Freedom stole my hip-hop heart. "Beautiful" makes me excited whenever I hear it on the radio, and "Keep You Much Longer" is fucking great. Thanks, Akon, for being the runaway hit of radio hits (which doesn't mean much to me, but matters to those millions of top 40 listeners).

So that completes 2008...a decent music year, I must say. Here's to hoping that 2009 is even better...

come on mood shift, shift back to good again.

2008-12-13T19:06:00.000-08:00

Too many times I have wished for change, and too many times I have wished to stop seeking it. Too many times I have wished to not be so many negative qualities that I see myself being. And too many times I have told myself: this is who I am and I need to accept that, whatever bad and good I have in me. But for the first time, right now, I realize this whole battle is pointless. It is circular, it will never end, and always I will be beating myself up for certain reasons, than beating myself up again for doing so. Never will I actually be content with whatever state I'm in, with whatever I wish to be. Society tells you, you should be happy where you are, and that whatever happens is for the best, and everything will turn out alright in the end. I don't see the need for these trivial consolations. Do they ever even mean anything? Do we ever believe it when we're told once, or even when we're told multiple times that we'll be alright, that things will pass, to stop worrying...do we ever really believe that? Of course, we all know a bad situation will come to pass. That happiness is just around the corner (just typing it sounds so cliché). It's never a matter of "Will things get better?" The question is more, "When will it happen? How long do I have to suffer until these things subside?"

Maybe this is just me, but truthfully I think there is some part in all of us that likes to sulk, that enjoys being miserable at least for a little while. Happiness is annoying, in some ways: there is that little innate part of us (or me, because maybe I am just cynical because I have all these bad qualities that I think all humans have) that is jealous of others' happiness, no matter how much we repeat to ourselves that they deserve it. Sadness on the other hand is easy to relate to, and although hard to comfort and console, most friends are willing to be there when you're down. Really, success is harder to truly congratulate (besides an offhand word), unless of course you already have everything you want. In that case, good for you. And we all know what tone of voice I'd say that in.

This entry, anyway, started out with me wishing my priorities were different. That I didn't care so much about certain things, so that when I got them I would be doubly happy about it. That I almost wish I weren't me anymore, and that so many things about myself that people would naturally characterize as the "essence" of me are things I would love to get rid of. That sarcasm, the cynicism, the lack of enthusiasm for almost anything...right, it might be funny initially, but I am too hard to crack. No one really thinks its worth the effort to find out what's underneath, beneath the (relatively) cold exterior that I display (relatively) proudly. It isn't even that; most people think I'm just a bitch in general. And maybe I am. Maybe I'm just saying all these interior/exterior theories so that I can someone humanize myself, but maybe it is just that I am that bad of a person, plain and simple.

So many times I wish I could connect with certain people, the ones who really like Fleet Foxes with me or the ones who would appreciate the same humor, feel the same way about certain scenarios, and all these other things. But every time after I wish that, I realize that there probably are a lot of people out there, and that most of these people are really friendly and outgoing and fun to be around, and since I am none of those characteristics I am just tossed aside. I also realize that this is a really passive outlook, and maybe it is just that I am not trying enough. But it raises another question: Why do I even have to be trying? Is it just a rote characteristic that everyone loves, the ability to be confident, to be ridiculous in front of others and then have the shamelessness to laugh it off, the skill to connect with someone really easily and to be personable? Why do I have to be all those things, and also, why is it that almost every single person I know seems to possess those qualities?

Bottom line is, no matter how many times I wish to change and however many times I then tell myself I don't need to, it all doesn't really matter because I can't seem to, anyway. I will most likely be stuck being this...less of a human being. I will be stuck as a person whose humor involves being mean and rude to the people she loves the most, so much so that people really think she is that cruel. And again, maybe I am and I don't even realize it. I will be stuck as a person who sulks in the corner, who finds herself jealous of even her friends' successes, and who will pretty much never be content where she is. I will be the person that people only compliment because of her sheer mastery of sarcasm or microinequities, never a person that people call kind or helpful or altruistic, and least of all never outgoing or confident or friendly. And most importantly, I will never stop being a self-deprecating person. Someone that wants people to be sorry for her. Someone who feeds off pity, then gets angry that pity's all she can get. Someone who, no matter how many times she repeats it to herself that it's not the case, can not find any good thing about herself.

I could be exaggerating, I could be warranting a pity party, but this is honestly how I feel.

well we made love like a pair of black wizards.

2008-11-17T23:33:00.000-08:00

What does it take? A month and a half hiatus from a blog I didn’t even have to commit to, yet felt guilty every time I saw it in the top bar of my browser? A month and a half so that people half-heartedly check for updates, and then when those updates are nonexistent, and eventually they just lose all interest. The cycle is seen everywhere. With bands that just fade away after an amazing, fresh debut album, or that TV show with a hilarious pilot that just never airs again. Where’d it go? What happened? But eventually…you move on, get over it, and that obsession you held for a couple weeks is just a distant memory jogged only by late night thoughts.

So what does it mean if you want people to lose interest? If you want to be the memory that everyone rarely thinks of? The memory that occasionally one stumbles on, but then shoves to the side because, well, now it’s just not important. So long have I strived to be important, to be known, to be wanted and loved, but now it just seems best to be forgotten among this crowd. High school reunion shmeunion. So many times have I repeated the college clause, the “everything will be different” statement that it’s started to affect my every move. Maybe I am spending the weekends running my own TV marathons while the regulars are going to the typical weekend party. A year ago I would’ve cared. Today I’ve lost all interest.

This apathy is downright pathetic, when I really don’t want to make the effort anymore to find new things about this place. Things I’ve started to realize, or things I’ve taken for granted all these years that suddenly seem so new. Still, these are things that I’m too lazy or noncommittal about to actually experience or to try. Or the things that have always been there, that have always been postponed for “later, later,” but the later has arrived and still I’m just not feeling it.

Well, blog, I’ve missed you—kinda. Let’s keep this one short and see how things go. Because I might be forgotten to you, but to me, I'm still important.

life is a maze and love is a riddle.

2008-09-28T22:19:00.000-07:00

I have simply been too busy to write in here, but more and more I've been bemoaning the lack of an update, since I have many things to tackle. Like, how much I detest that people don't seem to listen to my music recommendations. I know it's such a trivial issue but I don't know how many times I'm driven insane when I introduce someone to a band or musician and they half-heartedly listen to it, but then some other, more forceful (I guess) person pimps the same band out, and suddenly everyone loves it. It infuriates me so much that my opinion is shoved aside until someone who is simply louder and more obnoxious likes a song, and suddenly it's everywhere. But then again, I guess that's what publicity is all about. I realize it's kind of ridiculous to freak out over this little thing...but whatever.

Gradual loss of friends could possibly be the worst way to go. At least when you separate because of some big drama issue, it's curable if both parties just forgive each other. But a gradual change, that's near impossible to fix. And I wish so much that it wasn't happening to me, for the most trivial reasons, but it's something out of my reach and inevitable anyway. To just sit back and watch it happen is painful, but what else can I do?

I think for this entry particularly, I'm using this as a forum to tell certain people certain things (because God knows, this isn't great writing...at all). And I wish people would know that I hate drama, and that I overthink things and never get over anything until it actually is solved, and problems can't just "go away" for me. And I wish certain people would know how much everything is hurting me, and how I somewhat resent how different this year is becoming, and how much I just want last year back. But time is time.

if the world is ending, i'm throwing the party.

2008-09-14T20:16:00.000-07:00

Sporadic updates-get used to it. Senior year is busier than I thought, or maybe I’m just being lazy about the blog. (Though somehow, I manage to check if I get comments everyday—and I haven’t). Senioritis has hit in particular subjects, notably calculus and physics. I don’t really care that the derivative of the velocity function is acceleration, and that acceleration can mean deceleration also. That’s very nice to know; however, I’d rather know about Jenny Lewis’s album dropping on my birthday, or about the new sale at Forever 21. Fucked up priorities, maybe, but I’m me. Thankfully, I like most of my classes and haven’t gotten the sleep attack all the time yet (must be the caffeine every morning).

Even so, I miss certain things about last year. Don’t get me wrong, I love this year so far, and the new people brought with it. But there was something about junior year—getting up every morning for zero period, sitting in those same Lecture Hall seats, mumbling “that’s what she said” jokes. Or spending support period with the same people everyday, wasting away a good 45 minutes talking about random things. Just the constancy of junior year and knowing that things (for the year at least) would remain the same was comforting. But then summer wiped away the routines and brought the change, and here I am a good few weeks into senior year, lamenting change. Change, a word I wholeheartedly love yet am turning away from, unlike the entry right below this. Yes, some things about this year are just so, so much better than the last, but not knowing what the next week or month will bring is unsettling.

It worries me—if I can’t deal with some minor changes here and there that came to me senior year, how am I going to cope with the overhaul of a new city, a new school, and a whole new pack of friends in college? Could it be, that after all these years (and entries) about wanting college, craving college, whining about not being in college…that I could be scared for college? That maybe change is something to be feared sometimes, because it creeps up unexpectedly and blows away the entire groundwork, so the next minute or hour is dripping with suspense? Maybe I am like every other senior after all, a contradictory bundle of emotions craving to get out of here but crying those tears at graduation, sad to leave it all behind.

But whether or not I want senior year to slow down or speed up, time is time—the one unit that never changes, something I cannot accelerate or decelerate on my own will. And the end of high school is coming, with each tick that my clock quietly chirps in my room. Maybe I want senior year to end right now—and so what? All I can do is lead this year to the end and make it as non-shitty as possible. Or maybe I want to prolong this year to my advantage, and make the best of everything this place has to offer. Either way, I’m welcoming senior year officially. 12th grade, the last numerical grade—I embrace you.

i'll follow you until you love me, paparazzi.

2008-09-04T23:33:00.000-07:00

A two-week fast from my blog...I did miss you. So many things are different from the last entry; namely, I've started school (applause applause). Everyone was right; first semester senior year is probably going to blow and be just like junior year. The senioritis has subsided a bit from last year's end of the year fiasco, but I'm sure it will creep its way back into my life in no time. College apps are taunting me, saying "Look at me, bitch, I'm due November 1, so DO ME." (Yeah yeah that's what she said). i hope these "life-changing" college decisions I'm making will hopefully be the right ones. But in the end, I don't think it will make the hugest difference.

First day of senior year, I already despised it. Everything was just so different from the security I felt in junior year, knowing my place and where I stood with the people who mattered to me most. Now there are more choices: there are the obvious ones like, On campus or off campus? Gelsons or Commons? This group or that group? And deeper ones, like Are they even worth it? Why was I ever so torn up over people I didn't even care about? Let me just take a break to say that I think the ban on ending sentences with a preposition is fucking bullshit. Google it. Seriously, does anyone provide a valid reason why this rule exists? The reason is because is redundant, anyways is just not a word, but this rule is just petty and dumb. /nerd Over this long, three-day weekend, even as more and more shit popped up, I'm thinking...why did everything mean so much to me, and why did I overanalyze the dumbest things and take everything personally? And why did I even let these people get to me?

I'm not going to go out on a limb and say I'm more chill, because I'm not, not really. It just occurred to me that it isn't the end of my life if some people aren't a big part of my life anymore. There are other people in this world, in this high school, that I never even registered or realized until I took myself out of the own little bubble I'd been in for so long. Maybe I'm just getting started early on this whole "meeting new people" thing, or the "getting closer to people who've been there all along but you never really talked to" aspect too. Or maybe it's the nonacademic senioritis sneaking up onto me, in a different form. But the best maybe is that maybe it's just me changing, letting go of some of the stupid whiny shit I always wrote about in my journal, because they really no longer matter if/when I don't want it to.

There's that quote (maybe by Robert Frost) of "the more things change, the more things stay the same." I never understood that paradox...what the fuck does that even mean? Change is change and constancy is constancy, end of story. I feel change comes sometimes involuntarily, or sometimes because you will it and act for it. But when it comes we should all embrace it; too often have I lamented the past and the way things were (I still do; I'm human) but it's just pointless: the past probably won't come back, and if it does, we wish something was different about it anyway, for we are rarely satisfied with our present. I mean, who knows if my "changing" senior year will last? I might just revert back to how things used to be in previous years, back into the comfort zone after venturing out for a couple of weeks. I'm hoping it will be different this time, though. I'm ready to embrace change in more ways than one, what with the new election coming up and both candidates throwing that word around like it's gold (which it is, to be honest). Change is so powerful (and also too often discussed in my blog) and can alter so many things, and eventually change will come to be good even with rocky starts.

I believe in a lot of things: that Palin is going to be a shit president if she happens to become one, that guilty pleasures don't exist, that Chinese Democracy won't even be that great if it ever comes out, and that change is the single most amazing thing about life (Well, and love, but I don't have much firsthand experience in that, so...)

light in the dark as i search for a resolution.

2008-08-20T15:57:00.000-07:00

I don't like admitting this, and I'm not even trying to be modest to let compliments pour in, but my writing ability has seriously declined since last summer. I'm reading my old journal entries and essays, sometimes wowed by myself and in denial, and then I put my black pen to paper and words flow out, but they don't sound educated. They don't flow. It doesn't grip the reader, and it comes out as separate words jumbled together, juxtaposed strangely on lined sheets. I miss my writing last year, when I wrote the best short fiction story I've ever written, and my essays I wrote prepping for SAT (nerdy, but yes) were so dead-on. Maybe it's my lack of practice this summer; I have, in fact, spent more time writing pointless journal entries and making lists instead of concentrating on what I should write for my college essays. Now I'm sitting here, majorly fucked as I procrastinate this until the very end. As if I would do anything else. As if I could function anyway else.

Senior year is nearing, in a matter of days and hours instead of months and years. The final note of high school, with only 40 weeks until that marvelous graduation day. Everyone echoes each other, saying it's surreal and so "weird", but I have been ready for this moment for years. Barely anyone's ready to graduate, to separate from the life they've known for 17 or 18 years, but right now I feel like I'm going to walk out of California, boarding a plane (hopefully) to my next destination, and leaving no regrets. I'm so ready to get out. And I know how disgustingly often this topic comes up again and again in this blog. Imagine how many times I think about it per day.

I might as well embrace that I've become a shit writer and talk about shit things. Jack's Mannequin's new album is the best thing ever. I'm rocking "Orphans" on repeat, and it will stay that way for a while. Meanwhile, I'm obsessed with the Olympics. I watch it every night until I fall asleep, and I was so caught up with Shawn Johnson and Nastia Liukin and rooting them toward gold. Besides that, I have done absolutely nothing of interest. I might go write some, since the idea that all my writing ability has fell out of my brain is a bit depressing.

i'm speechless, over the edge i'm just breathless.

2008-08-06T22:40:00.000-07:00

For once, I have nothing to write about. Why even bother opening up this blogger window, you say? Very good question. I’ll get back to you when I can answer that myself. School is near approaching…21 days to be exact. This fact scares and exhilarates me at the same time. I can’t wait until the anticlimactic or surreal nature of senior year, one or the other…or maybe both. I’m listening to “Paper Planes” by M.I.A., one of the (only) jewels on Kala, and it’s mighty distracting and making this entry seem super dramatic. I’m just rambling here. But anyway, I figure the sooner I start senior year, the sooner it will end. I realize how wrong this approach to life is, anticipating the end before the beginning has even, well, begun. To be honest, though, I don’t really care about what’s right or wrong…I just want to go to college (have I basically summed up senioritis in that one sentence? I think so).

I’m just noticing my desktop background is always some random picture I liked on the Cobrasnake. I realize how creepy this makes me, since any random girl (or boy) could end up on my desktop simply because he or she was attractive or weird enough to have a photo taken of at a random LA party. Call me whatever, but I blame it on Mark Hunter himself…hey, he put up the photo online. And I ~appreciate the photography. God, I am such a creep online…whatever, I am not ashamed. I’m realizing how stupid and pointless this entry is, and this is supposed to be my “better” blog. Okay, okay, in all seriousness…

I’m glad I have ideals. I like that I want to become a writer, and also enjoy and bemuse about the fact that I’m going to get a shitty paycheck each month, will live off ramen and water because that’s all I can afford, since I’m 75% of my paycheck will immediately go to the pricey rent in whichever city I need to live in to work whatever job. Yes, my clothes could quite possibly be too worn in and “so last season” but to me, all that really matters is that I enjoy it. That I enjoy my job, that I enjoy my lifestyle. I really don’t care what shitty pay I may get, as long as I’m still alive and what I do everyday helps me feel alive, as cheesy as that may sound. I would take the poor artist route any day over working the dead-end office job as an accountant, yet being able to buy all the Marc Jacobs I wanted. Call me stupid, call me naïve, call me innocent, call me inexperienced. But I’m sixteen and I don’t want to be tainted by the realities of life yet. I’m still young. I’m allowed to be clouded, and I’ll keep my vision until I’m forced to change.

Last notes…every song on A Little Bit Longer is my summer jam. Not really, but most of them are. I can’t wait for Tuesday, and yes, I’m actually going to buy the album.

you change your mind like a girl changes clothes.

2008-08-01T21:24:00.000-07:00

I think I’ve been thinking about college ever since I was born. Well, you’re thinking, that’s an obvious statement, coming from a family like mine where the main goal in life is to go to a good college, get a good job, and be “successful.” And while it’s true that’s probably why college was implanted into my brain from such a young age, I think it’s more than just that fact that makes me love the idea of college. Sure, it satisfies the nerd in me that actually does want to learn, as long as it doesn’t involve certain subjects here and there. That nice part about how I get to choose my own classes has always been a huge draw. And of course, that other factor where there are no parents roaming around. Ever. RAs, whatever. College always meant party central in my mind.

But I think the main reason I loved, and still love, the idea of college so much is that coexisting part, about how we are stuffed into dorms and have to learn how to live with each other. The part where if I walk out of my room, my potential closet expands tenfold. The part about how I can eventually find another person to watch Gossip Girl with, if need be. The part about how even if said person doesn’t live in the same dorm, they only live a block or two away from me and I’ll inevitably see them the next day. That closeness was always intriguing to me, for better or worse…because I’ll admit, being around people 24/7 removes privacy right off the bat, and tears your walls down. But at this point, I think I’ve had enough of privacy, and I’ve had enough of my guard being up. I want people to break my “bubble,” as bizarre as that sounds.

Of course, there’s always the part about how college will be a new experience altogether, in another city at the very least, in another state across the country to its extreme (and the one I’m shooting for). I think those of you who regularly read this blog are sick to death about me talking about my perpetual senioritis, though, so I won’t bother. But I figured this entry was necessary for all of those who wonder why I’m so obsessed with college, about why I know all these random facts about it, about why I request brochures to every single college I want to attend and practically memorize its pages (that’s certainly what I’ve done with Northwestern’s…and that was a year ago). I’ll admit it—I’m so excited for college, and I want to be at that point 12 months from now where I’m counting down the days until I move in, not the months or the years. But the time will come.

Just got my hands on Anthony Green’s Avalon. It’s every bit as amazing as I had anticipated. Anthony Green never ceases to amaze me, whether with his looks (ha) or his incredible voice. It’s really quite different from his Circa Survive work, and that’s a good thing once in a while, as amazing as Circa is. A little more ~indie, I’d say. And yes, I’m still every bit as obsessed over the Jonas Brothers. A Little Bit Longer comes out in a week and a half, now, and I’m so excited. I love almost every single song on the album. And one last rec: “Miss California” by Jack’s Mannequin. While I’m moping around about missing the concert in Costa Mesa, at least that song will satisfy me…for now.

as the morning sun begins to rise, we're fading fast.

2008-07-29T13:07:00.000-07:00

Haven't uploaded since god knows when...two weeks or so? And I'm not even on my own computer...there should be better things to do at the hospital volunteering than uploading my blog but so it goes. I'm unproductive everywhere I go. I'm not really sure why I even started this entry. What do I even have to talk about, besides still not having seen The Dark Knight? Yeah yeah I know it's the shit but by the time I realized I needed to see this movie ASAP, everyone already had...but no worries, amigos, I will see it eventually. I did however see Anchorman, finally...Jesus Christ Paul Rudd is my favorite; I'm in love with him. The movie was full of LOLs, of course, but I don't think those kinds of movies are the funniest for me. I guess it's the wry, subtle humor that gets me more. Or The Whitest Kids U Know...

Senioritis is hitting me even harder...I know that I keep talking about this but it's really all that's on my mind lately, besides being really fucking disappointed by the six hour wait for the American Apparel sale. I've realized the usefulness of this blog because people actually read this, as opposed to 2 people on LJ who already know all my ~inner emotions. But I just feel that barely any of my friends really understand me. I think they get the basics but everytime I'm just left wanting more...new people who are more similar to me (music-wise especially, cause that's a big deal haha) and don't always get on my ass for being ~quiet, and understand why I act the way I do when I do. I think I've spent all this year looking for funner people and then I come to realize that the people I want to be friends with most were right there all along...if that makes any sense. But in the end even that's not enough...I just want to fucking be in college already. I will repeat that sentence at least 10000 times this year, no lie.

I think now's a good time as any to talk about how I think I've changed...maybe it's just me, but I think I've become a little more who I want to be, rather than that shy mute girl in the corner that I was in middle school. I really don't know what it was that did it, nor do I really care, but I'm really grateful. I think around the people I've known since middle school, or people I've gotten to know through those people, I still act in that way...being reserved, keeping to myself, that type of thing. But it's when I meet new people that I really like the new me. It's not always, it's just sometimes, but it's a right step. And as cheesy and cliche as this sounds, it's really how I perceive myself that matters, and the rest will fall into place when I see it. These past three or four years I've been degrading myself constantly, saying how I'm not confident, I'm not open, I'm not fun, I'm not so many of these adjectives I always wanted to be. But who's stopping me from being any of those things? The worst enemy I have is myself, and I think I'm beginning to come to terms with that enemy. I hope it lasts.

I've started a new yellow notebook, not that that fact has any significance in your life...but it just felt like something worth mentioning. After going on some college forum I feel like even early decisioning to __________ won't get me in...but that's depressing to talk about, and totally contradicts my last paragraph, so I'll tell myself to stfu. Speaking of which, I've become an acronym lover. Oh yes. And last of all, one more month until senior year. We'll see how this goes.

i'm not gonna waste these words about a girl.

2008-07-15T12:13:00.000-07:00

Sometimes you are so engulfed in your own problems, you turn a blind eye to those surrounding you. You don't acknowledge that something's bothering them, that something's wrong, and that you could fix it. And then when you learn, sometimes you still don't care...at least, not enough to put the effort into reaching out and helping out. What kind of monster have I become? And when? The worst part is, as much as I feel guilty about turning a blind eye, it's still not enough to make me overcome and reach out. And yet the guilt still pours... Yes, I'm probably making a big deal out of nothing, but how severe does the problem have to be for me to care enough to do something about it? Does it really satisfy me to just sit on my ass and do everything for myself, only? At what point will I stop being a selfish bitch and actually show compassion for others?

I always act like the pity party, that I have all this shit going on, that there are numerous things everyone doesn't like about me, blah blah blah...feel bad for me. But at rare times when I look up to see what's going on, what everyone else is involved in, it's when moments of clarity hit: that there is more to life than just me. It's not all about self-satisfaction; sure, you could live your life that way and have a pretty fulfilling life, but what about love? How can you expect love and care from others if you don't give it in return...or not even in return? And what's the point of being human, of being alive, without love?

This isn't going to be the greatest transition, from the past two paragraphs to omg! what music has carolyn been listening to? but I tried my best (not really). I adore Tuesdays, when the albums drop in stores, in iTunes, and in various downloading sites if they hadn't already been leaked. New Jonas Brothers single "Pushin' Me Away"? Yes, sir. Some other random hip-hop songs found their way to my iTunes late last night/early this morning, all fairly decent. Let's not forget the new Academy Is... single. Not horrible, better than Santi, but I must admit, I don't think they're ever going to reach the all-time high of Almost Here. And of course, My American Heart...they're definitely not new, but they've been flooding my last.fm charts ever since I saw their live show the other day. I don't really know what it was, because I thought they kind of blew after their first song, but I guess it was "Tired and Uninspired" that changed my opinion of them. If there's one thing you get out of this entry, it's to go download that song. Now. And I leave with you that...this has gone long enough.

oh, the brilliant mistakes that you seem to make.

2008-07-12T14:29:00.000-07:00

Mint chocolate chip ice cream is so delicious. Ice cream seems to be better coming out of a box instead of a carton...maybe because it's harder to freeze? Anyway, the ice cream that is living inside of my freezer right now is perfectly soft and melts in my mouth. Mmmm. Ice cream. Food is so satisfying, even though it is pretty fleeting. I always used to wonder why people paid so much for food when they could eat just enough for sustenance, then use their leftover money for things like clothes (ha). But food just uplifts you and you alone, if only for those minutes that you're eating it. Just imagining the chicken masala from Shalimar is making my mouth water. See, clothes are also satisfying (for certain people), but it's when you get compliments from others that it feels the best. Food, it's all your own. It's just...easier to be happy with food. True, not extremely satisfying and pretty short-lived, but takes absolutely no effort (except a few dollar bills).

Increasingly now I've come to realize that fun times come rarely from the place or event itself, but who you're with and how you feel that day. I know it sounds obvious, but so often lately I've been going to places that would potentially be fun, and somewhat are, but not as fun as it would have been if this or that person were with me. And of course that number of people is so low, and there's not just one person who could accompany me everywhere and I'd have fun. And you know, it's not so much about that person being fun. It's more about who brings out my hidden fun side? Because honestly, I'm not much fun normally, all reasons having to do with being self-conscious. I know I could be so much more than what I usually show, but only around the right people. And I really wish there were more of those people around.

More people, new people, fun people...it just makes me crave college more and more. All the outgoing seniors are switching their Facebook networks to their new homes, finding out their roommates, shopping for dorms, signing up for classes, and more along that line...and it's just making me so jealous. When, when, when is it our turn? How can I possibly already be getting senioritis, and I haven't even started the year? I'm asking the world, can I just find out where I'm going to college already? and I haven't even applied yet (oh dear). Really, these past few years have been great, but not as great as they could have been (see aforementioned paragraph). I could have been better, nicer, maybe break out of this shell, more than I already have. I could have lived without regrets; I could have taken chances; I could have met so many people...but the past is the past, so I guess I'm looking out to the future. I guess technically I should be thinking of the present, but what more could I possibly do now? It's been three years. I've met (almost) everyone I need to. At this point, it's just I want out.

I'm also realizing how much my attitude is changing since that "senioritis" entry I wrote before. Is this what being an (almost) senior means?

i know we suffer for fashion or whatever.

2008-07-04T22:49:00.000-07:00

This entry will be a little bit different from the usual...I started browsing el internet for fashion inspiration, because after going through my closet I have "no clothes." (Yeah, I'm being a whiny little girl who has tons of clothes in her closet but complains that she has "nothing to wear".) Oh, sweet jesus, do I have a lot to learn about fashion sense...so here we go!

Natasha Khan of Bat For Lashes. She has killer headbands (like the gold sequin one in the picture), ones I could hope I could pull off in my lifetime but probably can't, and has a natural gift for makeup. Yeah, it looks like she's straight out of a tribe with "face paint" but I think it looks pretty amazing. She is straight out of a fairytale, that creature. From feather headpieces to the best hair ever...or crazy earrings with crazy outfits all topped with a blue shadow over her entire eye...I think I have a girl crush. And did I mention her music is phenomenal?! Damn, hippie style is so awe-inspiring I kind of want to adopt it as my own. But then again, I think it's just my obsession with headbands...

Behold Zooey fucking Deschanel. The quirkiest indie actress (seen on Weeds! Ha!) with adorable eyes and better yet a totally unique style that I adore. She's paired a plaid scarf, funky dress, blue coat, and white heels all together to make one fabulous combo. The thing about her is, the outfits she wears would look like absolute shit if it were anybody else but she pulls it off with finesse. Like they say, she "owns it". This apparently was a "fugly" outfit on Go Fug Yourself, but I think it looks fabulous on her. Zooey is a tights master, wears the best heels, and has the cutest vintage dresses I've ever seen on a celebrity. I love her for not hiring a stylist and looking like a carbon copy of everyone else in Hollywood. Major props, Zooey!

And last but not least, Daisy Lowe,the model/DJ from Britain (and dating Mark Ronson!) I just noticed she looks uncannily skinny in that picture. Anyway, she's not so much an inspiration like the other two are, but I do dig her style. If only I had money to buy designer dresses, then I would look like her...but that's a long way coming. She wears tons of stripes and...actually, she looks really old in some photos. She definitely ventures out though, not just the typical minidress+leggings combo (okay, sometimes). I love this combo though, from the blouse to the adorable flouncy skirt and the really good heels (What is my sudden obsession with heels? I can't even walk in them.) Anyway there's Daisy Lowe for you. If you're digging the whole British socialite scene there's also Peaches and Pixie Geldof...but that's a whole other entry.

All this talk about fashion is making me want to totally revamp my wardrobe. Hopefully, and I think, that I'm going shopping tomorrow though! Here I am, revealing my inner girly girl to the world. I need to go thrift store hunting...and by thrift store, I mean usually-has-absolute-crap-but-occasionally-has-pure-gold kind of thrift store. Vintage store, totally different (in that they actually take more decent stuff, it goes out more quickly, and the prices? Way higher). What am I hunting for tomorrow? Tunics/dresses, obviously, maybe some funky tights, maybe a decent pair of shorts, mens' vests, cool headbands, and maybe I'll give in and get yet another pair of sunglasses...

you say it's chivalry, but it's jealousy.

2008-07-02T07:35:00.000-07:00

The beginning of every year, I write around 13 to 14 resolutions. You know, the usual: get more self-esteem, work out, keep my friends, maintain my grades, still be me, blah blah. But I also went for a little something different: three themes to tackle that were my "trouble spots". And what were they? Jealousy, confidence, and honesty. They were the underlying problems to every single other problem I deemed I had. And midway through the year, I don't think I've "cured" any of them so far. But the first one in particular is becoming worse and worse everyday.

Jealousy. Considering the public nature of this blog I'm definitely not going to divulge too much into my main problem as of right now, but believe me. I need to get over myself, and get over the wish that the world is revolving around me. I seriously can't seem to stand one second of someone, somewhere not caring about me. Take plans for instance. I'm constantly being accused of "never being able to hang out" (believe me, not my fault), yet when people start slacking and start inviting me to things less and less I get so fucking jealous. It's stupid, and I get the fact that if I put in less, I'm definitely gonna get less. And yet I just keep wanting the best thing I've ever gotten from that person. I don't know how that's all making sense to you...but anyway.

I need to fucking get over it. Understand the fact that I can't have everything in this world, and to envy those of it that do seem to have everything is pointless because they probably don't have everything, and envying won't change a goddamn thing (except dampening your mood). But though I keep telling myself that, the voice is reduced to a small whisper in the back of my mind as the jealousy kicks in. Jealousy, feeling left out, self-pity, lack of confidence...all related in my mind.

On a totally different, lighter note...I finished Weeds! What a work of art...no, literally. The slurping of the iced beverages Nancy (and other characters) constantly do totally replicates a bong hit. And I can't believe it took me 38 episodes to realize that. The best part about Weeds? New episode every Monday to fixate my withdrawal symptoms. I'm on the edge of my seat as to what kind of bitch move Celia will do next week to rat out Nancy and get out of jail. Oh, and where the fuck is Conrad?! And last note, majorly loving Silas's new haircut...

To satisfy my sadness over the end of my Weeds marathon, I moved onto Daria. You know, remember the late '90s show about the cynical, sarcastic, deadpan high schooler who was "unpopular"? Had creepy parents and a "popular" sister, Quinn? Best friend Jane Lane, the artist? And, of course, the totally hot Trent Lane (by far the hottest cartoon ever created)? Ah man...I love Daria. It makes me think, who the hell cares about having all the right personality traits to make people like me? But then I remember that I don't have the guts, like Daria, to not care.

this room's too small, it's only getting smaller.

2008-06-29T00:35:00.000-07:00

Jumping from one age group to the other...I found my new TV show marathon for the summer. Weeds! No longer talking about a preteen's double life as a pop star and teenager, now we're talking about a middle-aged woman's double life as a drug dealer and suburban mom (apparently my actual town is Agrestic's "neighbor"). Both deal with double lives...kind of similar, right? I'm honestly in love with this show, though, from Mary Louise Parker's stunning acting ability to Justin Chatwin's one-time appearance in the pilot (dammit) to the overuse of profanity...kind of a breath of fresh/adult air after a week of hearing Miley Stewart say "profanities" like "sweet niblets." Anyway, I just started season 2 and it's getting more and more fascinating. Best part? Season 4 is airing currently...not that I have Showtime, so I can't watch it. Typical. Actually I don't really care, since I don't watch that much TV on the actual television anyway, except Gossip Girl and the occasional Office episode.

I tried to start an entry twice in the past two days and right now I'm just pushing through since I already got one (useless) paragraph down, so forgive me if the rest of this turns to shit. I started asking several people if they'd rather listen to an overly cocky person or an overly modest one. Personally I'd rather take the overly modest one any day, even if he or she is just secretly fishing for compliments and knows that s/he is truly better than s/he says. I can't fucking stand pompous, full of bullshit people who think they've never done wrong in this entire world, and what they say always goes, because they're the fucking shit. I probably prefer listening to an overly modest person just because I can relate way more, since the one reason I do that is to boost my self-esteem, hearing other people compliment me and feeling better about myself. Listening to myself boost my own self-esteem, not exactly the same. But I guess being cocky is just an excessive amount of self-confidence, which is an amazing virtue I'd love to have. Plus, self-confidence gives that preconception that you actually are the shit to people you meet, instead of them having to determining it for themselves (or worse yet, thinking you are actual crap). I guess it's just personal opinion.

And on that note, I'll be going now to a) watch the rest of Weeds or b) take a nice long nap until the morning.

running races, still don't know what i've been chasing.

2008-06-25T14:44:00.000-07:00

Really...not much has changed since three days ago, but what else can I do? My Hannah Montana marathon is over, as I've seen every single episode that could possibly be found on Youtube. Go me! Not. I tried to tackle Wizards of Waverly Place but the premise just wasn't as good, although Selena Gomez is gorgeous. The most pathetic thing about my whole Disney obsession is that...they're all younger than I am! Jesu Christo. Funny thing, I took one listen of "Watch The Sky" (SoCo) five minutes ago and it was pure amazingness. As much as I do love those Disney kids (hey, at least I don't watch The Suite Life of...whatever! Yet), my old me is beckoning me to rave about Andrew McMahon's voice instead of Nick Jonas's. Speaking of, new Jacks Mannequin soon! I'm waiting...for it to be leaked. As if I bought music? HAHA. Actually I bought a CD the other day, but let's not mention what it was...

People who always think they're right drive me crazy. Stubborn, unwilling to change their opinions, always convinced that they're the fucking best. That what they think goes, that what they say goes. Yeah, I'm back to that whole "I hate elitists/condescending people" thing again. I'm not saying I hate people who voice their opinion, but would it kill you to say it in a nice way where it doesn't demean the shit out of me? Getting shot down is one of my fears, whether it be a guy or some authority figure or one of my close friends. I know I do it too, but I get terrified when people argue a point and raise their voices over a petty thing. Okay, it might be "fun" to argue (though I don't really see it) but that degrading, I know tons of shit that you don't because you're retarded voice is really sickening.

What's amusing is that the whole "degrading" thing I talked about in the last paragraph is bothering me probably because I can't make an argument to save my life. My mom and I have the gene where we can't do comebacks (or argument-backs) or debate for shit. We're the type of people who walk away and half an hour later, smack ourselves in the head and think, "Why the fuck didn't I say that?" The other half of the family, however, are definite arguers, always getting what they want and head-butting while we play the role of mediator. Yeah, I wish I could argue my point, but I never was good with debating (at least not with speech).

I feel like I know less about myself now that I haven't done one of those introspectives in my special yellow notebook, or my myspace white box for a while. I called my blogger my introspective "about me", but it didn't exactly turn out to be a Carolyn autopsy. But it's a toss-up...do I want to keep examining my faults and occasional pros, or do I actually want to do something about it and change? Latter, please. And I feel like I've been on that road for a while.

i'm slipping into the lava, and trying to keep from going under.

2008-06-22T01:46:00.000-07:00

I realized I've procrastinated this entry just as much as I had been procrastinating junior year finals...but now that that's all over with! I don't really think junior year was the "hardest year of my life," or "hell year" (although it did include one hell of a teacher). Sure, it was a lot of work, but my constancy in pushing everything off until the last minute worked okay, and I did get shittier grades but hey. I definitely found a better balance of work and play this year; my parents let me loose a little bit more; and I definitely didn't worry and brood over the B+/A- borderline like I had done before. Ah, but why even talk about how much I like that school's over? There's an entire summer ahead of me, with three days behind me and plenty more to go. And then...senior year? And college? This is just too surreal.

Forget about the "serious" talk. My newfound love for the Jonas Brothers is kind of sickening, embarrassing, and way too far gone. I hate, hate, hate to admit it but the poster up in my room is becoming less of a joke and more of a serious fan thing. I've replayed the "Burnin' Up" video at least ten times. I'm on the edge of my seat about watching Camp Rock. And I'm becoming like a retarded teenybopper fangirl who reads shitty magazines about Nick Jonas's favorite candy bars and shit (not really...I'm not THAT far gone, but I'm getting there). And since I did absolutely nothing today besides drive to LAX and almost kill myself ten times over, I've watched the first six episodes of Hannah Montana...and will probably finish the series by the end of the summer. Oh, what happened to me? Kill me now.

On second thought, why should I give a shit about what other people have to think about the "Disney clones"? Or about how people think Nick's voice is too whiny, or Miley Cyrus has hideous teeth (okay, she does), or that the premise of Hannah Montana is stupid (okay...that too), and that I really should not be listening to cookie-cutter "crap"? It's time we're not ashamed to admit we like an artist, no matter what a bad rep he or she may have, and no matter what kind of bad rep you might get by liking them. Who gives a shit? It doesn't make me any worse than the kinds of hipsters who seek bands that no one has ever heard of (Somebody Loves You, Boris Yeltsin?) and then flaunt the fact that they're the only ones who know the band. Liking unpopular bands just because they're the underdog. It's just as stupid as liking a popular artist because they're on the top of the charts. But honestly, I do neither. Case in point? I fucking hate that Katy Perry "I Kissed A Girl" song...and it's #1 right now on iTunes. Boo yah.

On an ending note so this entire entry won't be about my lack of shame for liking the Jonas Brothers and Hannah Montana...yearbook entries are the biggest confidence boost! Look into it, those of you with low self-esteem. Like me.

is this the quiet place where you should be alone?

2008-05-23T11:42:00.000-07:00

This would be where the countdown until school ends and summer begins would go, except that I am far too lazy to be calculating it. But it’s coming so much sooner than I think, and yet it’s taking so long to get here…oh, lazy summer days, how I want you here so, so much. I’m getting excited with all these summer plans (that probably sound reasonable now, but when the time comes it probably just won’t play out…but that’s me, the pessimist): once-a-week amusement park trips, hitting all the California beaches we possibly can (and not just Zuma), a one-day road trip to Santa Barbara, exploring vintage stores on random streets in the SFV...

I spent the last thirty-ish hours debating whether I should go visit the majority of my family in Korea for either a three-week or five-week interval, maybe go on a trip to some other Asian country like Thailand with my cousin, and follow her around as she creates a newspaper written in English (basically, an amazing and coincidental opportunity that does not come easy). What did I end up choosing? Oh, just staying home. Perhaps getting a job or doing some dead-end volunteering that my heart isn’t really into (don’t berate me, I know how “horrible” it is that high schoolers aren’t passionate about community service and just do it for college. I know).

Why? Why would I throw away a great opportunity, plus the option to visit a whole new country (which I have wanted to do for quite some time)? Simple. I can’t stand boredom. As much as I complain about “stress” or being soooo busy during the school year, listlessness is something I just will not ever tolerate. Sitting on my ass at home with the fan on high, refreshing Facebook every five seconds while I look to someone, anyone to make plans anywhere, anytime is generally not my idea of fun.

But imagine there, the problem increases tenfold. Not only am I bored to death and stuck watching Asian TV (really, all the television I don’t watch in America I more than make up for in Korea), I’m also stuck in awkward situations where I have to work to create conversation with my family. As fluent as people might think I am in Korean, I’m not. Simple as this, I don’t think in my head in Korean, and never will in this lifetime. The words don’t flow out naturally. And honestly, I’m a horrible conversationalist talking in my native language. How am I supposed to manage it in a new country, with family members I haven’t seen in years? I know I’m supposed to try. I know they’re my blood relations. I realize I’m guilty of a billion crimes, and this is probably up there on the list. But you really can’t blame me for not wanting to force these situations upon myself. And as much as I love my cousin, she also has friends and a life and I can’t exactly leech off of her for three weeks straight.

So there it is. Home for the entire summer, for the first time with nothing really to do except (try to) make money and enjoy the best season of the year (well, almost). Home to be able to go to Warped Tour and the endless number of other concerts I’ve been wanting to go to all year but never did. Home to experience the 100-degree weather and burning my hand on the steering wheel. Home for my parent to yell at me to start working on college apps (yeah, right). So there it is. Home.

well you done done me and you bet i felt it.

2008-05-22T17:21:00.000-07:00

Half a month it's been...and what a half of a month. Cram all the APs and finals you can, mix it with some SAT IIs and a lot of finalized grades and projects that no one's assigned the entire year, and you've got the first half of May pretty down. But I'd like to push that to the back of my mind. So can I just tell you? Right after the AP Chem multiple choice on May 13, I officially got senioritis. It might not be as severe as those seniors I referred to in the last entry, but fuck, it is not a great thing to have. I completely screwed up the free response portion of the chem test because I was so out of it, happy that I was almost tasting freedom. I proceeded to screw up my stat and chem finals, although it didn't really matter, and I've been delaying my math homework for the entire week...there goes a potential A for the pop quiz!

But do you know what the best part is? I've got all this super procrastination going on, including finishing a project two hours before it's due (that has never in my life happened to me before), and I could care less. All I can think about is summer, and next year, and even just this weekend, when life is going to be better. All I can think about is the future. All I can do is contradict everything I just wrote in that last entry about living in the present. And sure, it's not like I'm sick of anyone here yet, but my new phrase has become "dgaf" since those four letters pretty much symbolize my life.

Summer is within reach...everyone's started counting how many days there are left, which tells me that summer is pretty damn close. This is the one summer where life is carefree; there's no SAT to prepare for, or a hard junior year in front of me. Sure, there are college apps, but really, who starts in the summer anyway? This is the summer I'm going to own, the one that will finally be all mine (the freedom of driving helps, a lot). Getting a job would be nice, especially to meet people other than the ones from school, but getting hired is a bitch and I don't know what to even shoot for. Whatever happens, I know I'm going to explore LA inside out, and then maybe a little more. And just think about it...it will be the last summer of really being a high school student. How surreal.

If you were expecting some intense rant when you opened this window today, I apologize. The stress has completely left me, and with it I feel like a part of my mind is just empty, happy thoughts...which might explain the random, boring tidbits in this entry. But you know what? I'm glad this entry sort of blows. At least my life doesn't.

seniors, this one's for you.

2008-05-03T19:22:00.000-07:00

May has crept up on me, and with it fast approaches loads and loads of tests: SAT Subject tests, floods of three hour AP tests, and the finals to go along with it. But really, the only real thing these tests signify is the end of the year coming real soon. In little over a month, I will be a senior. A senior! Te word I've been waiting for since freshman year. Yearning for everything: the privileges, the status, even the stress from college apps and the dread of rejection letters...I cant wait for all of it.

All my life I've given the word "senior" a positive connotation, but for once, now, there's something I"m dreading. Something I'm seeing in a lot of seniors now; something I hope to god I don't get: senioritis. And no, I don't mean schoolwise: I know I'm definitely getting academic senioritis, and I couldn't care less if I majorly slack off senior year-I'm already a pretty bad slacker anyway. But no, I mean senioritis in another sense: that "who cares?" nonchalance, the "why bother?" attitude. They say the opposite of love isn't hate, it's indifference, and that's exactly what senioritis embodies. Don't know what I'm talking about? I mean that mindset of not pursuing anything. Of not wanting to hang out, not wanting to take up new opportunities or make new friends. Not wanting or caring enough to make peace with someone you fought with. Just being apathetic in general about everything. And why? It's obvious, right? Because "I'm going to college. Everything will be different, everything will change, and nothing at home will even matter." It's like seniors are living already in the future, making their present already their past. They're investing all their hopes in college, and everything else in their minds just fades away.

It's that apathy that I'm terrified of. Of falling into a routine; of being too lazy to pursue anything new because time is running out anyway. I want to be that senior who takes the opposite road. The one who makes the most of her last year here, the one who isn't indifferent and actually cares about experiencing new things instead of having a "whatever" approach. Who knows if my senior year will even be all that new or exciting? All I know is that when the apathy starts to settle in, I'm going to look back on this entry and at least have an open attitude. One where I think anything can happen, even with the clock counting down to college. Unlike a lot of the seniors now, hopefully I'll actually care.

when i hit the club all the girls show me love.

2008-04-27T01:56:00.000-07:00

This entry is probably #283472 on my list of priorities right now. But I don't know, I somewhat feel obligated to churn out something weekly, even though it's my blog and technically I should be able to do whatever the fuck I want. But as you know, I never fail to procrastinate, so here I am, 2:16 AM, writing something with no direction when I really should be sleeping so I can maximally study tomorrow (or...today, now). Honestly, junior year was not horribly bad, even though the products (aka grades) of my "efforts" didn't turn out so well. Right now though, time is sneaking up on me and everything's just looming. AP tests are in one. fucking. week. And I am completely screwed for every single one. Not to mention SAT IIs...but it's something I don't want to talk about and you probably don't want to hear about, either, so moving on...

I wish I were blessed with critical thinking skills. There are two kinds of "honors kids"; the kind that can honestly keep up in class, participate in discussions and debates, and knows what they're doing. Then there are those people who pretend to follow along and end up cramming whatever they can the night before the test, and pulling off an A miraculously. It would be so nice to just be the former, for once, to be able to think of good arguments on the spot, to be able to apply whatever I just learned, to be something worthy of being called intelligent. Because really, I don't care if you've gotten straight As all your life; it really comes down to: do you have insight? critical thinking? analysis? Or are you just the type for rote memorization, to spit it back out, and then clear out your brain every once in a while?

As I wrote that entire last paragraph, all that ran through my head (besides thinking, "I want to be truly intelligent") was, "Everyone's going to think this is really fucking boring." I think this blog would be so much better off if I thought no one was reading it. Actually, probably no one does, but the illusion is already in my head that someone, somewhere is reading every single one of my entries since people have read them before. And writing for an audience, really, does not make one feel good. It's like I can't be myself, that I have to live up to the reader's expectation of what's "interesting" and try to avoid what's "boring." But who are you to define that? Isn't this shit supposed to be mine, all mine? And yet the reader isn't even saying one word. It's me and my head that's doing crazy clockwork.

Oh, forgive me. I've been listening to Hannah Montana seriously all week long; I've been lazily napping for about half of the day and then freaking out over how I lazily napped when I have so much crap to do for the other half; and when all that isn't happening, I'm making a genuine effort to (finally) study so I can (hopefully) get into college. 16 days until hell is (temporarily) over. 16 days until I have the best week of my life. 16 days...

we hung like space stations and rocketships.

2008-04-19T21:34:00.000-07:00

I am seconds away from letting my head fall onto the keyboard and just passing out from exhaustion. So tired, but so much homework and preparation to do…I don’t know who dared call the year sixteen “sweet.” This is basically hell month, when I should be doing anything but typing into this Blogger window. When I should be befriending my AP review books and doing my homework on Friday nights. Somehow, though, I’m not feeling a huge impending sense of doom like I usually do. I don’t feel pressured or stressed or horribly, well, fucked. I admit, I could do a lot better without math analysis class, but besides that, junior year is not too horrible as everyone else is making it seem. Then again, the next two months are bound to be the worst as test…after test…after test await me. But I’d rather stay in the present.

I’m beyond caring about listening to “good” music and judging people for listening to “crap.” Honestly, half of my top played on my iPod is what I’d classify as crap. But who cares? If I really like the sugarcoated, autotuned voices of insert name here, then let it be. This is just further proved by the fact I’m listening to Hannah Montana as I type. Lowest of the low, I know, but I’ll listen to whatever I feel like. I’ve also noticed, practically anything that’s mass-produced to the radio, I begin to like after four or five listens. I guess there’s just a universal appeal to popular songs, even if it’s spelling out “Fergalicious” or singing about a girl in Apple Bottom jeans. Really. How can I judge others for liking Miley Cyrus if a) I’m listening to her right now, and b) I claim to be in love with T-Pain, who’s basically a horrible singer made interesting by a machine that warps his voice? So the next time I sneer at your iPod artists, casually mention the fact I have a Jonas Brothers poster in my room, and I’ll shut right up.

On that note, I might as well transition to what I’m listening to right now. Miriam Makeba’s African music is just stunning, especially “The Click Song” which I fell in love with precisely third period yesterday. Curse the Americans who can not make clicking noises with their tongue! I’m really jealous. Yesterday, I also had “Tell Me When To Go” by E-40 stuck in my head the entire day. Admit it. You know you want to get hyphy and ghost ride the whip, among other Yay Area things. What else…I’ve heard “Touch My Body” on every car ride and in every store, and no surprise—it’s a pretty solid comeback from Mariah Carey. Tapes N’ Tapes released their new album Walk It Out last Tuesday, and though I haven’t listened to it all that much, what I have heard is sex.

(Just to round off this entry with three paragraphs devoted to music) I’m going on a downloading spree as we speak, which I haven’t done in quite some time. As I went through my usual leaked CDs site I freaked the fuck out when I saw the new DCFC…but of course, it was a fake. Do people really do this? Disguise their own music as a really anticipated new album, so they can force fans to listen to their shit? That’s pretty pathetic, if you ask me. But anyway, I’m hoping the new Santogold is amazing, and that Flight of the Conchords is as funny as everyone says. And of course...the new Ashlee Simpson. Something must be wrong with me today. Or maybe I've just decided to give and take chances.

consider the odds, consider the obvious.

2008-04-13T10:33:00.000-07:00

If only we really tried to understand who other people really are. Are they confrontational or submissive? Are they open with others, or do they live in a shell? Do they feel the need to resolve every single tiny issue, or are they more carefree? If only you knew what kind of person I am, and the same for me to you, then so many things would just make much more sense. Maybe then we all wouldn’t berate each other for shying away when we’re under stress; we would understand why the other person felt the need to leave sixty voicemails; we’d just comprehend (not like or even accept, but comprehend) why people act in certain ways. But that alone could resolve so much tension or drama that we really don’t need in our lives.

I might as well start with the person I am, so we can cross myself off the list of “Why the hell does she act this way?” (By the way, I know I’ve been really repetitive these past few entries, talking about the same shit all the time. But it’s on my mind too much for me to not write about.) I am a pretty damn good archetype for a passive-aggressive person. Shall I go through the characteristics listed on Wikipedia? I “avoid responsibility by claiming forgetfulness.” I complain. I “don’t express hostility or anger openly.” I fear “authority, competition, dependency, and intimacy.” I am “intentionally inefficient.” I “make excuses, lie, procrastinate, and resist suggestions from others.” Sarcasm? Stubbornness? Sullenness? Deliberate withholding of understanding? Fuck, I did not know how passive-aggressive I was until I matched about 90% of the characteristics.

There are tons of other things about me that you might already know, or you could learn to know. I have horrible communication problems. I don't do well with having confrontations over the phone, much less face-to-face. I like the security, the pause of being able to think, and not being able to see your judging my every move (or lack of a move). But then, on the other end, there are so many things I always want to say, but these thoughts only come when I'm back alone and the chance has already passed. And maybe the next will come, but by then the courage will have been lost. And once someone starts initiating anything, even a confrontation, I"ll probably manage. But bring up an issue on my own? It's that one word, fear, that prevents me from getting anything done. That continues these overwhelming thoughts inside my head that don't ever go away, because I fear. Fear, fear what?

The look you might give me, the snide look that says you don't care what I"m about to say. The consequences that might happen-good or bad, and how it might affect me later on. The future, and if this confrontation I might initiate might affect you still being in it. Bottom line, I fear you. All of you. No matter how close we are as people, never will I stop thinking...will this next thing that I might say make you hate me? It could be lack of trust. It could be fear. I don't know completely. But hopefully you know a little more about why I act the way I do.

And how about you?

singing my thoughts back to me, like watching heartache on tv.

2008-04-06T13:17:00.000-07:00

When I should be caring more about things, as the (school) year is drawing to a close in a matter of months...this is when I just feel like giving up, crawling under the covers and falling asleep for days, weeks. I just don't care. APs, SATIIs, finals, "most important year of your life"...shut up. SHUT UP. This isn't even stress or pressure that I'm breaking under, it's me opening my review books, glancing at the page, and going back to opening the Facebook window. Not healthy, and totally screwed, and couldn't care less. But that's always how it goes with me, and then comes June and July when the scores cloud my mailbox and I'm filled with regret. And yet I don't change. But what's that quote, The more things change, the more they stay the same? So this should come as no surprise.

I have to write 60 word reviews/recommendations of some nice albums on my iPod for the article I've coveted for this entire year on the paper. Slight problem, though, since I can't eliminate three albums. So far I've got it down to Vampire Weekend, Band of Horses, Bat for Lashes, Brand New, Say Anything, Cut Copy, Dashboard Confessional, and Tegan and Sara. I realize I kind of sound pretentious while writing these, acting like I'm some hotshot critic knowing what "ethereal music" even means. I highly doubt I'm cut out to be a music journalist; although I love to criticize, it just feels too wrong to tell people what to and what not to like. Shouldn't that be something that's all yours? If people genuinely like to listen to Paris Hilton's autotuned voice, let them. There shouldn't be rules for any type of art, be it some hideous dress a la Bjork or a painting of a red circle selling for millions of dollars. If people find some good in what they like, let them like it. I'm sick of the hipsters getting on people's asses for liking "bad" music. Maybe your electroclashindie is just as horrible, so don't judge.

Back when I was in middle school, while loads of high schoolers raved about lyrics they could relate to in Taking Back Sunday or Dashboard Confessional songs, I felt so out of the loop. I’d sit, wishing I could experience life as they all could, even if it was a tragedy like heartbreak. I know, I was only twelve or thirteen and bound to know nothing about the subjects these bands were addressing. And yet, three, four years down the line, it’s still rare I can grasp a song and say “I couldn’t have put it better myself.” Sure, I should be satisfied that it happens at all (usually in Tegan and Sara songs) and yet I want to know, how do these lyricists even do it? Do they write so the audience can relate? Do they write whatever they feel like, using vague metaphors to hide their actual experiences, and just throwing it at us so we can do whatever we’d like with it? The whole thing just screams awkward: tons of people look to paper and pen for comfort, but I couldn’t imagine being able to form the words flowing out into coherent lyrics, paired with actual guitars and a voice. Maybe it’s just one more gift I don’t possess.

Speaking of gifts I don’t possess, I need to learn to not be so terrified. I want to be take-charge person and take initiative; I want to be starting something. But without fail I always wait for experiences and opportunities to be thrown at me instead. And even with my life handed to me on a plate, I still somehow manage to screw it all up. If only I had guts. If only I had a little more confidence. If only I wasn’t scared of what someone else would say. If only I could stop reciting these “if only”s and actually do something about it.

but you're still with me in my dreams.

2008-03-28T12:54:00.001-07:00

I love it. When the sun is shining, beating down on my legs, somewhat threatening to increase the shade of my already too-dark tan. When the shorts and skirts come back, when the winter coats get shelved to the back of the closet. When the flowers start appearing on the block with no rainstorms to hurt them, only pure sunshine. It’s not that I love spring; it’s more like I can taste summer already, two or three months ahead. In fact, spring is probably my least favorite season—the bipolar weather with pouring rain one day, sun the next; the stress of APs and tests and second semester; the laziness that only grows when summer is just so close. Summer isn’t my favorite season, even. As much as I love the sun, it gets a little too hot in California and chewing ice all day can get old. And the award definitely doesn’t go to winter (maybe if we actually got some decent snow, I would like it more). No, my favorite season hands down is autumn. The reddish leaves that burst in multicolor (pretty rare to see here, actually), the initial excitement of going back to school (stress the word “initial”) and the flood of holidays and breaks. And autumn, at least in California, comes with absolutely perfect weather: hot during the day and a cool breeze at night. Kind of like right now.

I really like the new Hush Sound album, Goodbye Blues. It’s nothing new, just the same old Hush Sound. I always loved the combination of Greta and Bob’s voices on songs. The new Flo Rida album is pretty horrible…a lot of the songs are literally carbon copies of “Low”, and half of the songs feature a popular artist because Flo Rida evidently can’t do it on his own. Still, “Roll” with Sean Kingston is pretty good, although highly repetitive (but aren’t they all)? I’ve been obsessed with the “D.A.N.C.E.” cover that Get Cape. Wear Cape. Fly did. If you knew me during summer, you knew I was so enamored with the original (do the dance, the way you move is a mystery). Get Cape does the song justice (I couldn’t help it!) by giving it a really different twist, like the best covers do.

Sometimes I wish that we could all read each other’s minds. I know it’s one of those things that would have extremely negative effects, and people would have to start controlling and repressing their thoughts so others wouldn’t read into them and be offended. Our minds are so dangerous, and so powerful, because absolutely anything can happen in there. There are no inhibitions, no fear, and no punishment for thinking whatever we would want to, as long as we don’t act on them. But imagine if everyone knew what you were thinking? The communication barriers would be struck down, and honesty would be the only policy. We’d have to learn to deal with the truth; we’d come to weed out the true friends from the false; we would understand our faults completely and let others know what theirs are. Of course, it would be nice if I could be the only one reading other people’s minds, but that’s just a superpower I’ll never be able to have.

But what really brings up this whole topic is how terrified we are to act upon our own feelings. Maybe this is just me, sometimes shy and too scared to speak up, but how many times have you wished you’ve said something, wished you’ve told the truth, wished that the other person knew how you really felt? All the time, I wish that I were a better communicator, that I could be open up more to people. That people actually knew who I was, and I wasn’t just hiding beneath this bitchy exterior that really, isn’t me (okay, maybe a little). That I wouldn’t sit here, writing about how I wish all these things, but that I could actually be telling people about it, or maybe actually changing for the better. But I also worry, is it too late? Has the opportunity already passed me by, and saying something now would just be futile?

I want to be more open with you, tell you things that no one else ever knew. But more than being scared of telling it all, I’m scared that you wouldn’t understand. Tell me you would.

the television steals the conversation.

2008-03-16T18:55:00.001-07:00

listless, unenergetic, bored, waiting. counting down days i didn't know i could spend, with ways i couldn't comprehend. fun just seems so far down the line, with months and months to go before i can sit down, breathe, and feel the world around me instead of pretending to pore over books for goals that i say are mine, but really aren't. i could celebrate right now, and i'm trying, if my attempts count as anything. this is all too typical coming from this age, this place, this time. but really, just because everyone else feels it doesn't mean the emotion becomes trivialized. but we're all in it: we all whine (and brag) about the lack of hours in our sleep. we tally up scores to the best of our ability. and then there are those seniors getting accepted, and we try to empathize, to feel happy for them, when in our selfish minds all we wonder is "will i be accepted when the time comes?"

it's a nice feeling, when you rediscover music you used to love, songs that were just so good and yet were cast aside but newer loves. songs that when you come upon once again, you spontaneously burst into song just because you can't help but doing so. songs that make you do you air drum with your head banging, your body shaking. songs that know who they are; albums that you should already know that i don't feel like reiterating (i guess this is my elitism kicking in).

i can't picture the future from here. people and events come and go, but all i envision are the same people who've been there always. i want to make room for newer things...and i'm trying. believe me, i am trying.

turn it, leave it, start format it.

2008-03-10T22:49:00.001-07:00

What are you supposed to do if you just want to lie in bed, counting the time by days, not minutes or hours, and sleep until you wake up and actually feel okay? Yet life still breezes past you; it doesn’t stop or trip or catch a breath. Life is one amazing runner in a trillion-mile marathon. Unfortunately, I’m only clocking in at mile 16 and this is another one of those times I’m walking, dying for a drop of water. I realize I’m making a big deal out of just another time I’m ill this year, but let’s face it: this headache really fucking hurts. I don’t know where this phenomenon comes from where I feel like something is bashing my head with a hammer, both sides (maybe that’s a little too hyperbolic). Not to mention, I have an impending sneeze that refuses to come out as well as a pretty bad cough.

Here comes the regular music paragraph; I think I’ll just constantly keep it as the 2nd paragraph of every entry. I finally downloaded the rest of Tegan & Sara’s So Jealous, and what do you know? It is, simply put, candy for my headache. I used to detest Tegan’s and Sara’s voices, but like everything else, they grew on me and now I absolutely adore it. Goldfrapp is also pretty good, but so far I’m not discovering anything particularly amazing about them. Jamie Cullum, however, is really good—listen to Twentysomething. I’m also listening to “Technologic” by Daft Punk on repeat; yes, I know the song is super old and everyone knows it but hey. It doesn’t make the song any less good. And “Stop & Stare” by OneRepublic…I don’t know how that band does it; I really thought they were just a Myspace one hit wonder who hit it big because of Timbaland, but all their singles are actually turning out to be super catchy; the kinds of songs that make me want to update my iPod, even if it means unchecking the entire Honorary Title album (my iTunes is way over the max capacity of my old-school iPod).

I’m just too tired to wax poetic on anything today, so I’ll leave with this: when you become a parent and your kid is a shitty driver, don’t yell at them and stress them out while they’re dying unless you want to, you know, die.

give me a lifetime of security.

2008-03-01T16:35:00.000-08:00

People are really more intelligent than they seem. Just because the grades don’t add up to over a 4.0 GPA; just because they’re not all in honors classes; just because they aren’t churning out the right responses to the right questions…school is only one thing. Personally I respect a good debater a hundred times more than I respect someone who gets the good grades. There are people out there who can convince me to agree with them in just a few, concise sentences. People whose observation skills just astound me, even if they're usually negative reflections. These are the ones who might not be the valedictorians, but they’re incredibly sharp and way smarter than one would think. Seriously, some of us have to realize we are not just our grades, or our test scores, or our extracurricular activities. There’s a lot more to us than what the college admission officers see. Keep that in mind for the upcoming year.

Somehow, I always feel obligated to discuss music when I open this Blogger window. Duffy is a Welsh singer with her album, Rockferry, coming out this Tuesday. She has a solid voice, and backed with jazz, the album is pretty great. Apparently, her and Adele are being called the new Amy Winehouses. Adele sounds more like Winehouse than Duffy does (actually, Duffy doesn’t sound like her whatsoever), but truthfully Adele just reminds me of Missy Higgins. No big, they’re both good. There’s also Search/Rescue, who happens to be a combination of the members of Acceptance and Gatsby’s American Dream. Their album The Compound is a gift from God if you’re one of those people who miss Acceptance like crazy (man, were they good). What else? Love in the Club feat. Young Jeezy by Usher is #1 on iTunes. What do you know? Mixtapemaestro is incredibly perceptive, two months in advance. Suckers.

The newspaper came out yesterday. I’m always caught off guard when people give this underhanded compliment to me, saying “Normally I don’t like the paper, but your articles are really good!” I don’t have low self-esteem or anything, but I don’t get it. I read the entire paper, including my own articles that I’ve already read multiple times, and nothing about my articles is more stellar than everyone else’s. But I’ll gladly take the compliment.

That also reminds me. There was an article on impostor syndrome, which I didn’t even know existed although I have all of its signs. Impostor syndrome is when people internally think they don’t deserve the success they have achieved, and they convince themselves that the success was luck, timing, or another factor other than themselves. You know what? That’s me. The exact definition of me. I always prepare for the worst. After a test or an audition, I constantly tell myself, “I know I won’t make it. I know I failed. I know I did badly,” even though I know it’s not true, although I’m sure it’s not true sometimes. Preparing yourself for failure is easy, and never disappoints—at least not as much as preparing yourself for success does. Imagine this. If you were expecting an F and got a F, the impact wouldn’t be as bad, right? But say you thought you got an A, and you actually failed. The devastation is horrendous. But the best feeling, and one that happens pretty often to me, is expecting the F and getting the A. Maybe it’s for these amazing moments that I continue to have this impostor syndrome. Regardless, I found it funny there were other people out there, not just in high school, who played these mind games. People who play the game their entire lives.

the taste of ink is getting old.

2008-02-24T12:31:00.001-08:00

My back hurts from sitting in this wooden chair all day. Twista is rapping so fast through my earphones. What is he saying? There comes T-Pain to bring in the good. The thoughts that glide through my head with this Blogger window open. Random. Incoherent. Yet what else? My fingers are dead from endless hours of typing. I've downloaded all the good hip-hop/rap songs to my heart's content, and now I'm replaying it like no other under the playlist "baller, shit." And no, I'm not kidding. Skimming through the list, "Ball Out". "The Let Out." "Elevator." "Down." Would it kill you to be a little more creative, everyone?

I want this rain to end. Endlessly it pours, making it impossible for me to sport my boots unless I want to wipe tiny drops of water minute by minute. Besides, my entire wardrobe has all of one winter coat and pitiful jeans, hardly winter weather. I can’t keep rotating the same scarves and sweats. Thankfully, Mr. Weatherman says it’s sunny all next week. Hello, bipolar California.

What if? What if, what if. Is it regret, or disappointment, or just a wish that the past could have played out differently? Is it just curiosity? What if? You never realize how much each move, each little decision could have such a profound effect. On you, on someone else, on anyone or everyone. The face you sport as you’re walking across campus. The first store you decide to visit at the mall. The meal you’re about to have for dinner. Small things, but all potentially life-changing. We’re wowed by “coincidental” events like bumping into someone you know while on vacation, but if you want to really think about it, think of all the times nothing coincidental happened. Where our moves, our actions didn’t result in anything interesting or out of the norm. Then it’s only a matter of time something big happens once in a while…or you’re just really lucky (or unlucky, depending). Everything matters. We matter. We are matter, for that matter. Fuck.

wrote you back before you had a chance to.

2008-02-20T23:36:00.000-08:00

done with being obvious, with stringing verbs and nouns together and capitalizing selectively to make something seem intellectual. done with the facade of being productive: it's just not working regardless. done with checking repeatedly for the letter, the call, the message that was never sent nor received. done with false alarms, dead signals in places i was peering into, wishing something, anything would come along. done with being too comma-happy here.

our favorite album is perfect for the moment. the state of waiting for something to happen. the listlessness, the boredom, and the dread, the fear, the uncertainty. the eventual "why bother" phase...and later, the regret that we never took the chance. picking up on signs, then convincing ourselves that we're wrong, because how could that ever be? how could something in our lives be positive, be good, make us happy? if it isn't blatantly spelled out, it must be negative. it must be something we don't want to know. and so we block out the signs that we've thoroughly analyzed. the ones that we're hoping are beneficial, but deep down we're convincing ourselves that they aren't. how could they be? unless it's spelled out to us, nothing could ever be positive, nor good. so the hoping fades away as does the potential of the situation. the potential life-changing event, the risk. the ones we hoped in our gut we could take; the ones we believed were true, but the ones, that in the end, we were too scared to take.

replace every we with i, every our with my, and every us with me, and you've got the story.

my heart asleep with no air.

2008-02-16T23:06:00.000-08:00

This week turned quickly from a hectic frenzy to a nice calm. I finished that ISP for life (well, at least until college, where I’ll be hit with research paper after another) and the horrible probability test I’m bound to fail was pushed back another week. Plus, those nerve-wracking SAT scores came out and made me squeal instead of tear up inside. Let’s just say, I’ll never have to retake that horrendous test. I’ve wasted around 70 hours of my life taking that test for practice (twice the real time, and probably around 18 practice tests) as well as spend over 200 hours prepping for it. That’s a lot of time I could have spent doing way more productive and enjoyable shit. I could probably have composed, or at least started, a fucking bestseller novel. The SAT is just such BS to me. You can’t ace that thing without having prepped at least a little, and review books for it are just so horrible that you need to be able to afford expensive, money-ripping test prep centers. Collegeboard just yells corruption all over it. But who cares? I'm done with the "most important test of my life." Thank goodness.

I wish I still had the liberty to go new music hunting, but the fact that I'm way over my iPod limit and I have to uncheck an entire band every time I want to update my iPod makes me really reluctant to discover new bands. Sad, and also really bad considering all the good bands I'm probably missing out on because I don't feel like unchecking the entirety of Muse's Absolution. That's probably why I've been sticking to a lot more hip-hop crap, because it's never in the form of an album-always a single. Speaking of, Akon's new single "Could You Be The Reason" leaked. I'm a big fan of it. I also am so so so in love with "She Got It" by 2 Pistols featuring T-Pain, no less. You should know by now a mediocre song becomes great if T-Pain is added to the equation. Other than that, I'm laying pretty low. But I'll refer you to Under the Radar magazine, which I determined had the best staff ever based on their top 2007 picks (they picked Bat For Lashes, Feist, AND Tegan & Sara. Doesn't get better than that). I wouldn't really rec the magazine itself though...the layout's pretty bad, and it's really overpriced. I'm still a Death + Taxes lover.

I'm digging this 3-day weekend thing. I need to go shopping. I really want to be able to pull of that whole top-braid style, except my hair is way too short to braid. Last thing: I need my license. Really soon.

more than just a dance hall drug.

2008-02-10T10:57:00.000-08:00

What is this I hear? The writer's strike is coming to an end! Writers reached a tentative deal with the producers, and I guess we'll all know if things are good tomorrow. But, I think there are talks of an actors' strike now. Seriously. All I want is some decent television, please; no more of this reality TV crap that they keep feeding us. I want my Gossip Girl, my Office, and a regular TV season instead of the same old packaged reruns. And I'm not even a huge TV watcher. I also love seeing the best/worst of the red carpet, so it's really good the strike is ending right before Oscar season. Oh, that reminds me: the Grammys is on tonight, apparently for its 50th anniversary. Kanye is going to kill someone if he doesn't win everything Album of the Year, just because he's a prick. But I'm probably watching the show to see Feist perform, and Rihanna. And I'm rooting for Paramore. But I have a feeling I'll watch the awards show mostly in boredom, because those types of things usually are.

I'm still on my Boys Like Girls wave. "Dance Hall Drug" is such a true song, about how we're all just so young but looking to accelerate our lives with things like alcohol or sex or drugs. I wish we could all slow down and experience what we have right now (freedom from stressful things like taxes and money and marriage), except all we're looking for is to be a little bit older, a little bit more experienced. Maybe naivety is good sometimes.

I'm still waiting for a great February, but I think it's coming this week. And the next. And the next. Anyway, I smell food, so catch you later.

i've got my hands in my pocket and my head in a cloud.

2008-02-07T23:24:00.001-08:00

I had a snippet of a song in one of the Girl Talk mash-ups stuck in my head the other day. Trying to identify which song it came from required me to listen to the entire CD over again for those 10 seconds. It was actually quite nice to have an album where I didn't get sick of anything. I think Night Ripper is going to be on my playlist for a while, just because it won't get tedious. I know I mentioned Girl Talk and Boys Like Girls already, but it's just what I've been listening to lately. "Hero Heroine" by Boys Like Girls is just so catchy; except when I try to sing it, I sound absolutely terrible. I don't understand how guys can perfect their falsettos, yet I sound like absolute shit. Oh well, I'm not really complaining. All this pump-you-up music I've been listening to recently has gotten me to really want to dance. I'm not the type to just go dancing out on the street and make a fool of myself; I require other fools to join me, so I'm waiting for a dance party. Or Vice, for that matter.

We got our registration forms for the classes we're taking senior year. It made me feel really old to fill out that yellow form. We finally get to this point where it's our last year making these decisions to impress colleges. Yes, that is exactly why I am taking Journalism and Photo, and then 4 APs to round it all out. What joy. Maybe taking Photo will help me learn how to use my Olympus XA...but I highly doubt it, considering the class is digital photography, and all you do is click the shutter and play around on Photoshop. How high-tech.

The beginning of the month always signifies a slew of magazines in my mailbox. I wasn't expecting anything this month, when out of the blue comes GOOD (with their food theme issue...perfect), Seventeen (to fulfill my inner girly teen), AP (normally highly disappointing, but this month they have Tegan & Sara on the cover. Major props.) and Teen Vogue (pretty much crap, but at least they know how to get their photos done right). Plus I get Newsweek every week. Call me a loser, I'm just more intelligent than you are. It's getting a little annoying, though, because the magazine has been front to back about the election for the past couple weeks (and probably for the past couple months). It's like the election is all America can talk about. Oh, Romney's suspended. McCain's gonna win. If Hillary wins I'll shoot myself. Blah blah blah. There's still a considerable amount of time until Election Day! It's all this hype with the media.

And that's where I'll conclude that (if you want to hear more about media, read my ISP).

don't you want to feel my bones on your bones?

2008-02-03T18:24:00.000-08:00

Wow. So I believe anything is possible now, considering Eli Manning just won the Superbowl for the New York Giants. Jesus, I love him. Now, I'm not a big fan of football...in fact, I don't really follow it at all. But, when Superbowl comes around my own tradition is to root for the underdog: always, without fail. For a really long time, the Patriots would always go to the Superbowl. Every single fucking time. As "hot" as Tom Brady is, I was getting really sick of that team winning all the time (yeah, they're good so they get to the top...I don't care. Still.) so I consistently rooted for the opposing side. And here we are! The Giants, who I don't ever recall making it the Superbowl in my memory, MADE THE WINNING TOUCHDOWN in the last few seconds. Boy, I do love those Manning brothers.

So yesterday, I donned my boots and headed to the Fallbrook Laemmle theater to watch The Diving Bell and the Butterfly. This movie has topped so many critics' lists of 2007, but I had a feeling it would never come to any AMC or other commercial theaters since a) it's French and b) it's NOT crap. (God forbid AMC shows shit that isn't Meet The Spartans or fucking Cloverfield). But old reliable Laemmle had it going. The theater itself kind of sucks. Every single ticket purchaser is a senior citizen, and you can hear the echoes of other movies playing when you're sitting in the theater. But I still bought my cinnamon pretzel and fell in love with this film. Oh dear, was it amazing. It's a true story adapted from a novel (of the same name); this Elle editor gets into a coma and it's about his experiences communicating and eventually writing an entire notebook with only his left eyelid to communicate. Fascinating, right? (say yes.) The film communicated through the man's eye, so it was pretty visceral watching the eye blink (or not), and hearing his thoughts in his brain but seeing the inability of anyone understanding. Just watch the film, darn it. They actually give you student discounts at the Laemmle, if you need one more reason.

I went on another music exploring frenzy today. I discovered Girl Talk, just some dude that DJs and does crazy mashups rolling 10+ songs into one flawless club mix. And there's about 16 of those on his album Night Ripper. Please go get it. It's so good; plus, you're guaranteed to recognize snippets of songs like "Goodies" or "Sugar, We're Going Down" or whatever. Jesus, Girl Talk is so addictive. I need a dance party...now. Oh and turns out I might not have to worry about that Vice date...but who knows? We'll see about that. Anyway, more music. Santogold is also great, more of a M.I.A. vibe (whom I absolutely adore). "Feedback (Remix)" by Janet Jackson featuring Ciara is such a great dance song. Seriously, I think I'm set for the next party already. Oh, I forgot to mention "Drop" by the Ying Yang Twins. But yes, although the radio isn't offering anything good anymore (considering it's February, and no new songs come out now), I still manage! Go me.

One last thing before I sign off. I feel like such an amateur with my Olympus XA. Apparently it's easy to focus with a rangefinder, but I have no idea. The manual is so tiny and hard to read, so it's really difficult to digest. And any website is way too smart-sounding with all this jargon I don't understand at all. Hopefully with experience, I'll get better. Basically I'm thinking of using the film I have loaded right now as a test drive, wasting it on pictures of ... my room. Maybe theyll still turn out okay with Lomo-like vignetting. I'm quite excited to see my results, but will also be highly disappointed if they turn out to be shit (most likely). Speaking of shit, school tomorrow.

you move slow like daytime drama.

2008-02-02T11:53:00.001-08:00

Yes, I realize perfectly I haven't written in two weeks. One word: finals. I'm not going to go in depth about how I basically bombed all of them and barely got the grades (if I did, at all). No...it's the weekend, and I'll push off the thought of school until Monday, when it actually all starts to matter. I've been living the past few days running with a high fever and a runny nose, feeling a huge migraine while I stayed up until 2 AM packing in Bohr equations and expansion by cofactors into my head. So I am fucking done talking about school.

I just visited the Be Kind, Rewind site. First, the movie concept is great-Jack Black has a magnetized brain and he works at a video rental store, so he has accidentally erased all these films. So he and his partner Mos Def recreate all these classics, like Ghostbusters and 2001: A Space Odyssey and a whole lot more, and people fall in love. I am about to fall in love with this movie, especially since it's by Michel Gondry, the Eternal Sunshine director. He even created a trailer where his own trailer was destroyed, so he and his buddies had to recreate the trailer. So creative. And what's more, the movie site "destroys" your internet and out pops Google, with their own versions of Myspace and a savvy search engine. This concept is just amazing and I wish I had the guts to pull it off. Needless to say, I'm counting down until 2/22.

This month overall is pretty exciting. No, I'm not getting my driver's this month, which is really good considering I almost crashed into a car making a left turn yesterday. But there's a multitude of parties, and more exciting things. Um well yes, there are shitty things like people consistently asking who I'm asking to Vice, or SAT scores on the 14th, or grades in general...but let's not think about that, shall we? I'm just putting it out there, this month is already great and can only get better from here. I hope.

One last thing: yes, I got the Olympus XA! It came in a handy and crusty old box (it was 12 years old, apparently) with its A11 flash. I took about 20 minutes finding where to put in the batteries, and what all the controls were. And I miserably failed at my first attempt to load film. But now, I just need subjects to photograph. I'm pretty excited but I also have a feeling I'll never get around to it until at least summertime. I hope not...I want to make use of my camera, considering it was really expensive and I feel horribly guilty for making my friend buy it for me.

And yes...that's about all for now (forgive me, I'm brain dead and lazy from 12 hours of sleep).

your runaway smile in my piggybank, baby.

2008-01-21T13:44:00.001-08:00

Pop punk songs are way too catchy, point blank. Listening to Boys Like Girls makes me feel like a 12-year-old again. It's probably not a good thing when I'm able to predict the rhymes of a song I've never heard. But, nonetheless, I'm rotating this utterly predictable, cookie-cutter band like no other right now. I should probably update you on my long search on a decent hip-hop song. I'm into "Fire" by 50 Cent featuring Nicole Scherzinger and Young Buck right now...most likely going to be played at the next dance party, which better be next month or I'll be incredibly pissed. The new Flo-rida song, "Radio," is decent but definitely not as infectious as "Low." The lyrics are just as horrible though-"Come on play my radio, listen to my radio, turn it up it gets to low, bitch I'm from the ghetto." Jesus...can't anyone be creative?! At least Justin Timberlake's lyrics are decent...somewhat.
On another note, I'm finally getting my camera! This Olympus XA that I've been craving for since last year is finally coming to me. However, apparently the description for the camera said "it was in good condition 12 years ago." Probably not too good of a sign...oh well. I'm just hoping for the best; plus, the camera comes with the A11 flash and a nice case. I'm not sure how much I'll be into using it, or if I'll even have the time to. But at the very least, I'll save it for this summer. Which reminds me...this year is coming all too soon. I honestly feel like the end of summer 2007 was yesterday, and already first semester is coming to an end in a week or two. And soon enough, summer will be here, meaning we enter our senior year and say goodbye to everyone else...
I'm dreading it and looking forward to it all at once.

rock and roll baby, don't you know we're all alone now?

2008-01-18T00:00:00.000-08:00

So apparently some people have occasionally been reading this thing! That surprises me, but I really don't mind. You'd figure, if you were relaying all your thoughts on a public website, that you'd expect it to be read. Someone did refer to this as my music blog, though, which it is not...well, at least not specifically. I do talk about music a lot, since it's such a big part of my life.

Speaking of music, I might as well talk about it. I've been trying to find new, good hip-hop/dance songs because as amazing as "Low" is, it's getting sort of old. I enjoy "What Is It" with Baby Bash featuring Sean Kingston quite a bit, but besides that there isn't too much good stuff out there...even "Who The Fuck Is That," which should be amazing considering it's another T-Pain/Akon combo, was highly disappointing. However, I really like "Love Like This" with Natasha Bedingfield and Sean Kingston, and "Baby Love" by Nicole Scherzinger. I have a certain infatuation with that Pussycat Dolls lead. Speaking of, I should really find out if her CD's any good.

Speaking of girl singers, I've been quite jealous of Hayley Williams' hair (that's Paramore, for you). I remember her "Misery Business" phase when it was about 10 different shades of colors, starting with yellow...then dark yellow...then orange...then dark orange...then bright, fire red. It was absolutely hideous. And then later she just dyed the whole thing yellow, which was also pretty gross. But now it's a nice shade of copper red, and it was perfectly waved..at least it was when they performed at Tila Tequila's NYE Masquerade thing. I realize I just spent an entire paragraph rambling about someone's hair. I guess, since mine's pretty hideous at the moment, it's on my mind. Girls never like their own hair. They always like someone else's. That goes for most things with girls, anyway.

So for the past hour I've been trying to add 100 words to an article that was already too long in the first place. Now that I'm done, peace out till next time (probably sometime in February). Wish me luck on the SAT and finals!

you sound eclectic.

2008-01-06T18:20:00.000-08:00

So I was making a (failed) attempt to work on my ISP when 7:00 came along and Sounds Eclectic beckoned me. I loaded the KCRW Live Radio window, when what do I see? Zooey Deschanel was scheduled to be on Open Road! I got really excited, thinking maybe she was going to release that debut album once and for all and she was doing some promos behind it. But nope, the reason was even better. I am sort of pissed I didn’t know about Concrete Frequency: Songs of the City earlier. It sounds absolutely stellar-there are tons of acts singing about the city life, including Stevie Jackson of Belle and Sebastian, Sondre Lerche, Bob Mould, Sean Lennon, Zach Rogue of Rogue Wave, and of course, Zooey Deschanel. Even though tickets are still on sale, I know I can’t go considering it’s two days from now, on a school night. But, wow. Just imagining watching amazing artists at the Walt Disney Concert Hall makes me excited.

Listening to Sounds Eclectic makes me relieved. First of all, I know way more artists than I had when I discovered the little darling (and Morning Becomes Eclectic) back in July. But so far, they’ve played Emily Haines, M.I.A., A Fine Frenzy, The Magic Numbers...all on my iPod! Ha! And it’s also a nice feeling, hearing decent artists on the radio instead of the five songs they rotate on KIIS. Really, it’s just five songs. “Hate That I Love You”, “Shawty Is A Ten”, “Low”, “Kiss Kiss”, and some other one that I know I’m forgetting.

Anyway. Doing my ISP makes me realize how corrupt the media has become. Bias I don’t mind as much, because we just have to get smart about that, but corporate control of the media is really starting to make me sad. The fact that only five major corporations (Viacom, Time Warner, NewsCorp, Disney, and GE) control most of the United States press is terrifying. And that major advertisers can change the news I read, and change the content that I’m about to see. I give a shit (and you should too), because media affects us a whole lot. It can start a trend just by calling it a trend; it can make us actually care about Paris Hilton going to jail; it can persuade us to go from Hilary to Obama just by giving the “right” facts. (On a side note: Go Obama at the Iowa caucus!)

So I’ve been thinking even more about the college front. It doesn’t help that 2008 feels like a ticking clock, counting down the days until I actually have to start applying. I’m seriously considering a major in English if I have to major in something writing-related (but really, who knows? I might fall in love with philosophy or something totally irrelevant). There are problems though, namely-what kind of idiot wants to be an English major when she got a B in English last year? I can’t picture months and months of reading all these classics and analyzing them. I can’t picture myself being an English major, period. That’s probably really wrong-if I want to be a writer, shouldn’t I absolutely adore English and be ecstatic at receiving another essay assignment? But, high school and college English is probably way different. Also, if I love journalism I can just find a college with a strong newspaper, or magazine, or anywhere where I can get hands-on experience. Okay, so I admit I haven’t exactly resolved anything since the last entry, but give me a break-I still have time, probably until 2010 or 2011.

I’ve been thinking about what it means to be a good writer, and if I’m meant to be one. I don’t exactly know if I’ve always wanted to pursue writing, but I have been writing my entire life. A couple of weeks ago I stumbled upon diary entries from when I was 5 or 6. Something about me eating pistachios and playing school with my mom and dad, accompanied by stick figures of us playing school, me with a big peanut in my hand (apparently, I couldn’t differentiate pistachios and peanuts back then). I’ve filled up (and wasted) countless spiral notebooks, proposing to write novels about a girl reuniting with her dog or the life of a rock band or something equally preposterous (and probably really shitty, considering I didn’t know about dogs or rock bands back then). In fifth grade, Devon and I were thinking and decided to start a literary magazine called Blue Planet News (our teacher Ms. Simon was all for it). I’m totally rambling now, but I clearly remember defining maudlin for a “word of the month” segment-no wonder I have no trouble memorizing that word for the SAT. After elementary school, I continued to write (of course), continuing to fill up spiral notebooks with free verse poetry or more unfinished novels. And now, my preferred form of writing is more essays or rants than teen romances or visceral poetry, but I’m writing nonetheless. But just because I’ve been writing all my life doesn’t make me destined to be a writer. I remember asking Mr. Kim, our big philosopher vocab teacher at Elite (SAT prep class), how you know if you should pursue a career. He went on a fascinating spiel about how it isn’t if you are destined for your career or not, but it was more like you should believe in being able to do that career (more specifically, be a writer) and then you can pursue it and will be successful at it. My next big reference was, surely, Google (“how to know if you’re a writer” search query), which told me that reactions to your work or that “gut feeling” was the telltale sign. Well, then, I guess the conclusion to my search is that I’m sometimes a good writer. Sometimes I get that feeling that what I’m penning is amazing, although I repress it to try to be more modest. When I show my work to others (excluding lit analysis essays and other such school assignments, because I don’t feel good about those, ever), they usually react really well to it (or don’t criticize it).

So there we go. I was going to spend another paragraph about how I never participate in class even though I really should, but I’ll let that slide.

so this is the new year, and i don't feel any different.

2008-01-01T23:46:00.001-08:00

The new year is surprising anticlimactic. Even when I’m counting down…5, 4, 3, 2, 1: Happy New Year! I obviously don’t feel any different. There’s no inside or outwardly change. And I’m in just the same position I was in a few seconds ago, when I was living in 2007. But now, the seven morphs into an eight and I must deal with endless minutes of frustration every time I write the date as 1/6/07 or something of that sort. But other than that, what’s to say something will be different? Yet I continue to write New Year’s Resolutions. This year I have more than twenty to fulfill, which seems like absolutely horrendous, except for the fact that they all seem to follow under the categories of a) be nicer and more respectful b) be more confident and open c) be more productive and less lazy. Yes, somehow I managed to write that in 20+ different sentences.

I’m listening to Coconut Records’ Nighttiming. First off, why would anyone name his or her band, or solo act, _____ Records?! Did Jason Schwartzman want to giggle at all those people who would inevitably be really confused? Would he ever name a record label Coconut Band?! Fuck, dude. Anyway, this album is quite beautiful. Kristen Dunst was on the last song that I don’t remember the name to, and Zooey Deschanel’s on “Mama”. Dear, I love Zooey’s voice especially on “Baby, It’s Cold Outside.” Might I mention, Leon Redbone has the deepest voice that I have ever heard. You know, I feel 2008 is going to be a really good music year. I hadn’t really anticipated anything in 2007, and anything I did anticipate really blew (except Envy On The Coast and Paramore). I’m not anticipating anything in 2008 either (except Bat For Lashes, Gym Class Heroes, and something else I know I’m forgetting), but I’ve got my Hype Machine and Death + Taxes to fill me in with new artists I’ve never heard. On yet another tangent, I’m really excited to do What’s On My iPod? soon (hopefully, it’ll happen). I’m thinking The Brunettes, Bat For Lashes (obviously), Brand New (maybe), T-Pain (just to round it all out), and...well, I’ll have to think about the last album. But still, I’m really pumped for some reason.

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately, and really considering if I want to be going to Northwestern, using $40,000+ of my parents’ money on a journalism degree that probably would bring me no further than a English, or whatever it is, degree from Berkeley for just $15,000 (or however much it is nowadays). And I’m thinking if I want to pursue journalism in the first place. Journalism is absolutely fascinating: the pursuit of truth, the presentation of news to the masses with no bias (is that even possible?), and so on. But is it really for me? I detest interviewing, and I don’t get as much satisfaction in finishing an article as I do when I finish writing a narrative essay or a column-type of thing. I want to do journalism because I want my own column, and because I love editorial (which, I learned, is really difficult). But I really do not need a degree in journalism, nor do I need to spend four years learning about the ethics of journalism, etc. to write a column. And if I was looking at it from a pragmatic point of view, writing just a column is not going to get me any money whatsoever. I would love to be in an editor post, but there is that caveat of having to be a journalist before, which brings me back to square one. What’s more, those editors-in-chief of most magazines most likely did not have journalism degrees. But, the bigger problem is, if I don’t major in journalism, what do I major in? And as much as I want to try Chicago, the Bay Area doesn’t sound that bad either (and obviously, neither does New York or any major East Coast city). I remember saying that I wanted to go to a college where no one else from CHS was going. If I was to go to Berkeley that plan would totally go to shit, but just because a couple of friends are also going with me doesn’t mean I won’t branch out and make new friends. But I don’t really prefer Berkeley, as I might have to come down every single holiday...or my parents could make a surprise visit. Oh dear. Anyway, maybe it’s too soon to be thinking so much about this, and spending a really long paragraph rambling about it. After all, I do have...little less than a year to ponder about it. Wait...this is hurtling toward me too fast. Fuck. Well, all I know for sure is that I want a career that somehow involves writing, and I don’t mean writing bank statements or anything remotely resembling that.

the TEN albums of 2007.

2007-12-25T01:37:00.000-08:00

These are in no particular order (that's what they all say, but this time it's real) and aren't chosen for artistic merit. Nothing I love really has artistic merit anyway.

Timbaland-Shock Value (or is it Timbaland- Presents Shock Value? or Timbaland- Timbaland Presents Shock Value? What the fuck?). Yes, everyone called this album a flop and said it wasn't very representative of Timbaland's work--and both statements are incredibly true. But, I loved most of the songs nevertheless, like "Time" with She Wants Revenge, "Scream" with Nicole Scherzinger and Keri Hilson, but especially "The Way I Are" with Keri Hilson and D.O.E. You have no idea how happy I was when that became a single.

Envy on The Coast-Lucy Gray. Spec-fucking-tacular. This year I drifted a lot from Alternative Press-featured, Warped Tour-playing alternative bands and loved a lot more indie music a la HypeM and Morning Becomes Eclectic. But Envy...ah, Envy stayed at the top of my favorite artists lists, even among all the changes. This album is spectacular, and if you don't agree after hearing "Sugar Skulls" or "Tell Them That She's Not Scared" or, best yet, "The Gift of Paralysis", well...then you are missing out on a load of great songs.

Feist-The Reminder. Oh, oh, oh...thank goodness for Uber.com for opening my sights to the wonder who is named Leslie Feist. She's got dancing skills, she's got an ethereal, marvelous voice...everyone knows "1,2,3,4" because of that great iPod Nano commercial, but there are a whole lot more of jewels on this album. "So Sorry" is great, as is "My Moon My Man". And on a bit of a side note, the Van She Technologic Remix to "1,2,3,4" is an absolute gift to the ears.

Mika-Life In Cartoon Motion. I noticed this didn't top any of the blog critics' year-end lists, but I think it's because most people forgot it even came out this year (early February, as a refresher). "Grace Kelly" was an amazing singalong, and Mika's falsetto was absolutely fantastic. "Big Girl (You Are Beautiful)" was also great, especially in that Ugly Betty commerial, but I loved "Happy Ending" and "Love Today." Oh, man. This album made my early year.

Band Of Horses-Cease To Begin. Funny how I had no idea who this band was until Death+Taxes showed me their good graces in their last issue. So yes, I haven't known about this band for long. But, this album is clearly amazing (tons of critics will back me up on this one) and Ben Bridwell has an uplifting voice. "The General Specific" (featured on Gossip Girl! Okay, I'll shut up) and "Is There A Ghost" are my favorites, but really. It's all good.

Bat For Lashes-Fur And Gold. Okay, so technically this was released in 2006, but I figure since I saw it on someone's list in The AV Club, I'm okay with putting it here. And thank the Lord, since THIS album is my pick of the year, hands down. I absolutely adore Natasha Khan and her great voice, "What's A Girl To Do" and its accompanying video, but most of all "Prescilla", consistently the most played song on my iPod. Oh, how I wait for the new 2008 album, Natasha.

Say Anything-In Defense Of The Genre. 26 songs can never go wrong, especially if you combine it with Max Bemis and Co. (26+ songs can go wrong, actually. Just look at The Mother, The Mechanic, The Path of The Early November. Oh, just thinking about the horrific The Path makes me cry). "Baby Girl, I'm A Blur" was quite catchy, to be honest, and "Retarded In Love" is my favorite...at least off Disc One. I like the 1st disc better than the 2nd, but both are albums to be proud of. Kudos, Say Anything. A great sophomore venture.

A Fine Frenzy-One Cell In The Sea. Greatestjournal and hype are actually really smart sometimes. Alison Sudol has a incredibly gifted voice that I'm really jealous of, and I remember hunting for this album for ages, which made the actual find that much better. This entire disc is amazing; I can't even pick favorites. I must admit, the lyrical content is not very substantial...but all is forgiven when I hear the vocals--off the charts and soaring.

Paramore-RIOT! I wasn't even anticipating this album, at least not that much. And then suddenly I hear "Misery Business" and think, "What the fuck is this mess? Hayley Williams' hair is hideous and where are those beautiful vocals of hers?" But, as Paramore always does, that single grew on me and there were plenty of other magnificent songs (like "For A Pessimist, I'm Pretty Optimistic") on the CD. "Crushcrushcrush" was really catchy, too. But...WHY would they make "Hallelujah" anything other than acoustic?!

Tegan & Sara-The Con. I used to think Tegan & Sara's vocals were highly annoying and whiny, even though I sang along to So Jealous all the time. But, then I heard "Back In Your Head", which I must admit was a great first single off of this album. That song totally converted me into a Tegan & Sara fanatic, and now there's not one song I dislike from the duo/twin/whatever you want to label them. If you need to be converted, look no further than "Nineteen" or "Hop A Plane" or "Are You Ten Years Ago" or...the entire album.

And that's all for the year! There are a couple Honorable Mentions here and there, namely Kanye's Graduation, Stars' In The Bedroom After The War, Sondre Lerche's Phantom Punch, Rilo Kiley's Under The Blacklight, and more that I can't recall at this moment.

be my valentine?

2007-12-25T01:02:00.001-08:00

I just had a Valentine Filliol-Cordier fixation going on for the past hour. She's a model that I found through Nylon, hails from France, lives in London...and it's always the European cities that look most chic. She hangs out with The Like and dated Jamie something from The Kills...is this too much information? Anyway, TheFashionSpot provides endless photographs to fulfill my temporary obsession. And that's usually how it goes with all models or all people...a fleeting, ephemeral glimpse into one life, one person...and then too soon, I forget everything about them.

This post would probably be more fitting timed on Valentine's Day, but who am I to pick and choose dates and times? It's early Christmas morning, which never means anything special in this household considering presents are bought on a whim, and we don't have a Christmas tree or white lights outside. Not even snow, in this state we call California. Oh, no, Christmas only feels like Christmas because of the new Google sign and the profuse amounts of Christmas songs on the radio, not to mention A Christmas Story playing on TBS all day and night.

I'm still debating whether I'm a big holiday person or not. Do I love sipping eggnog on a December afternoon? No, I don't, considering I've never tried eggnog and frankly it sounds disgusting. Do I love gift exchanging? As of now, shopping for presents for others is only a dash of fun overwhelmed with a whole load of stress. But maybe I am evolving...after all, I didn't cry out in pain because I heard yet another Christmas song as I walked through the mall these past few days. Then again, that doesn't mean I love the winter holidays. For me, summer and autumn were always the best. The easy summer, laying around and doing absolutely nothing in the hot SFV sun. Then the autumn rolled around, and with it school...and as much as that blew, it meant reunions with friends who'd been away the entire summer, and along with that my birthday, which I consider the best holiday ever.

Once again, this is a whole lot of ramble. I notice I don't really mention the immediate, day-to-day things I've been doing lately. What I've been doing, where I've been going, and who I've been with this vacation. Well, to be honest, I don't think those things are as important as what's running through my mind as these day-to-day things occur. And I'll toast to that.

expose: self-help is bs, and unproductivity blows.

2007-12-18T18:21:00.001-08:00

I'm finding it hard to take the self-help advice offered everywhere--in books, advice columns, magazines..."10 Ways To Boost Your Confidence!" and then it lists 10 facts that you already knew. Meet people that make you comfortable. Just smile and say hi. Tell yourself you look beautiful in the mirror, and you'll start to truly believe it. Uh, no shit. But it's because I can't do any of those things that I'm reading your stupid article anyway, Cosmopolitan or Seventeen or whatever magazine or book is telling me this bullshit. It's a paradox, an oxymoron (what's the difference among all those words anyway?). If I actually could boost my confidence, then I wouldn't have to read any self-help book. And if I'm reading your list, then it's pretty hard to boost anything anyway, since I need some 2-page article to "change my life." There's no in-between, no saving grace, no hope. You basically learn to suck it up and change, or you just go along in your normal processes, whining about how much you lack self-esteem.

Speaking about finding it hard to do things, I'm finding it extremely hard to focus and actually care about school with my countdown: two days until winter break! Seven days until Christmas! And thirteen days until 2008! But before all those milestones of life, I have to get through petty FRQs and quizzes here and "first-person sources required" on first drafts there. You know, I think I've been bitten with senioritis (Word just red-underlined this word...God knows that Word needs to "learn spelling", considering how many times I'm going to use it in the next year) a little too early. I probably got it last year, in fact, when I just decided to stop caring. Go with the flow. If I didn't read the chapter for history, just don't bother ever doing it. I'll put it off, continually, constantly, until finals come around, I cram and pull all-nighters (or as close to an all-nighter as you can get), and ace that shit and make the 89.5%. Works 99% of the time. Actually I'm bound to crash, sooner or later (again), but until then I'll continue with my poor, unproductive study habits.

There's more on my mind, but then again, there always is...peace out.

how many new beginnings can there be?

2007-12-16T22:04:00.001-08:00

Night falls and you’re embarrassed, again, because of regrettable actions that only make you look bad. They’re on the other side, laughing, sneering at you and your forgettable words, your forgettable ____, you’re forgettable to them tonight. And you didn’t quite picture it in your head like this. It was supposed to turn out better, you were supposed to receive a standing ovation…an encore…but all you get is laughs.

Actions are fine…smooth motions that you thought you could get away with. Everything plays out like you want it to until someone calls you out on your game. That’s always the problem, right? Those blunt, open, frank people who always call you out on it. Whether good, or bad, your game is up. Everyone knows your secrets. There’s no hiding out here now. play the game. Constantly, falling into the trap of attempts at alluring others. Failure or success, who knows? But I’m quite done playing the game.

Like Bartleby from Melville’s quite terrifying story. Maybe I’ll just prefer not to the next time things come around, and another chance at playing the game tempts me. But who could resist, tonight?