let's pretend we don't exist, let's pretend we're in antarctica.

The time's finally come. Years and years of waiting for this moment, when the letters start flooding back in. The anticipation, the thrill that awaits while our shivering hands open the envelope or click on the "View" button. But it's a little surreal that the moment has come (or it will come in a matter of days), and I barely care. Of course it'd be nice to get into my dream school, whatever that may be (and I have no clue either). But at the same time, if I were rejected from every single place from here on out, that wouldn't be such a big deal for me either. Yes, of course I am just saying this because I'm already at my heart's content as to college acceptances and such. But I pictured a different me a year ago; I thought I would be a nervous senior dreading these days that I'm in. Yet, it seems to be more of a heart-pounding anticipation for .005 seconds, immediately followed by a "whatever."

I don't know, for me right now, just being at a college would be so satisfying. I always thought the necessity of actual critical thinking would deem me an automatic failure after high school, but this doesn't seem to really hold true. Maybe I'm being an idealist in my own little world, but it really does seem that college will be the mecca of everything, at least to me. And yet there are still those feelings I didn't think I would have, those strands of me still connected to high school and the people in it, the part of me I forgot about last year but a very integral part that I can't even begin to imagine not having.

But hey, I'm still in high school.

with a little sweet and simple numbing me.

Human behavior is too much for me to handle. Are things really in my control? If I'm aware that I am acting a certain way, do I really have the power to stop it? If I crave to be someone else, is that possible with "willpower" and "ambition"? Or are we stuck as who we are, molded with traits that we can never come out of? In my observations, I suppose changing yourself is completely possible with such concepts like "goals" and "will" (foreign words, frankly, for me). It must be a process where you try so hard to be the perfect self that eventually, you adopt those qualities into your personality. For me, the general trend is that I am a bit too apathetic (or lazy) to care about what I should be like. So it seems to be a more natural progression. A slight change from day to day that you yourself never notice, but a change that is very obvious looking back.

I must be struck with a case of writers block. I've glanced at my blog a couple times this past February and was really disappointed at how bad the past few entries have been. Very rambling and quite boring, to say the least. In all honesty, none of my writing has been good lately, and I'm not acting modest here. I read things that I've written two years ago and am amazed that my less mature self was more introspective and philosophical than my current self. It's not something I'm really focusing on or caring about right now, but it's a pretty sad note.

Speaking of...how is it already March? This entire summer I thought senior year would be one hell ride where I would have the worst senioritis ever and all year long, I would just crave college continuously and somewhat alienate my friends. It seems that this whole scenario has been taken care of during first semester, and now that I'm 3 months away from graduation, I'm becoming the sentimental freak that I never imagined I would be (at least, that's what I'm becoming in my head). I honestly can't imagine not spending time with people I've been spending time with for the last 4 years, not being able to glance at someone when a certain "inside joke" song comes up...I know college will be amazing and all sorts, and I'm not dreading it in any way. But it does seem a bit surreal that there are only 3 months (or technically, 5-6 if you include summer) to spend with people I've grown up with all my life. Maybe I'll look back on this entry in a year and scoff at how stupid this paragraph seems. But right now, this is all I know.