the taste of ink is getting old.

My back hurts from sitting in this wooden chair all day. Twista is rapping so fast through my earphones. What is he saying? There comes T-Pain to bring in the good. The thoughts that glide through my head with this Blogger window open. Random. Incoherent. Yet what else? My fingers are dead from endless hours of typing. I've downloaded all the good hip-hop/rap songs to my heart's content, and now I'm replaying it like no other under the playlist "baller, shit." And no, I'm not kidding. Skimming through the list, "Ball Out". "The Let Out." "Elevator." "Down." Would it kill you to be a little more creative, everyone?

I want this rain to end. Endlessly it pours, making it impossible for me to sport my boots unless I want to wipe tiny drops of water minute by minute. Besides, my entire wardrobe has all of one winter coat and pitiful jeans, hardly winter weather. I can’t keep rotating the same scarves and sweats. Thankfully, Mr. Weatherman says it’s sunny all next week. Hello, bipolar California.

What if? What if, what if. Is it regret, or disappointment, or just a wish that the past could have played out differently? Is it just curiosity? What if? You never realize how much each move, each little decision could have such a profound effect. On you, on someone else, on anyone or everyone. The face you sport as you’re walking across campus. The first store you decide to visit at the mall. The meal you’re about to have for dinner. Small things, but all potentially life-changing. We’re wowed by “coincidental” events like bumping into someone you know while on vacation, but if you want to really think about it, think of all the times nothing coincidental happened. Where our moves, our actions didn’t result in anything interesting or out of the norm. Then it’s only a matter of time something big happens once in a while…or you’re just really lucky (or unlucky, depending). Everything matters. We matter. We are matter, for that matter. Fuck.

wrote you back before you had a chance to.

done with being obvious, with stringing verbs and nouns together and capitalizing selectively to make something seem intellectual. done with the facade of being productive: it's just not working regardless. done with checking repeatedly for the letter, the call, the message that was never sent nor received. done with false alarms, dead signals in places i was peering into, wishing something, anything would come along. done with being too comma-happy here.

our favorite album is perfect for the moment. the state of waiting for something to happen. the listlessness, the boredom, and the dread, the fear, the uncertainty. the eventual "why bother" phase...and later, the regret that we never took the chance. picking up on signs, then convincing ourselves that we're wrong, because how could that ever be? how could something in our lives be positive, be good, make us happy? if it isn't blatantly spelled out, it must be negative. it must be something we don't want to know. and so we block out the signs that we've thoroughly analyzed. the ones that we're hoping are beneficial, but deep down we're convincing ourselves that they aren't. how could they be? unless it's spelled out to us, nothing could ever be positive, nor good. so the hoping fades away as does the potential of the situation. the potential life-changing event, the risk. the ones we hoped in our gut we could take; the ones we believed were true, but the ones, that in the end, we were too scared to take.

replace every we with i, every our with my, and every us with me, and you've got the story.

my heart asleep with no air.

This week turned quickly from a hectic frenzy to a nice calm. I finished that ISP for life (well, at least until college, where I’ll be hit with research paper after another) and the horrible probability test I’m bound to fail was pushed back another week. Plus, those nerve-wracking SAT scores came out and made me squeal instead of tear up inside. Let’s just say, I’ll never have to retake that horrendous test. I’ve wasted around 70 hours of my life taking that test for practice (twice the real time, and probably around 18 practice tests) as well as spend over 200 hours prepping for it. That’s a lot of time I could have spent doing way more productive and enjoyable shit. I could probably have composed, or at least started, a fucking bestseller novel. The SAT is just such BS to me. You can’t ace that thing without having prepped at least a little, and review books for it are just so horrible that you need to be able to afford expensive, money-ripping test prep centers. Collegeboard just yells corruption all over it. But who cares? I'm done with the "most important test of my life." Thank goodness.

I wish I still had the liberty to go new music hunting, but the fact that I'm way over my iPod limit and I have to uncheck an entire band every time I want to update my iPod makes me really reluctant to discover new bands. Sad, and also really bad considering all the good bands I'm probably missing out on because I don't feel like unchecking the entirety of Muse's Absolution. That's probably why I've been sticking to a lot more hip-hop crap, because it's never in the form of an album-always a single. Speaking of, Akon's new single "Could You Be The Reason" leaked. I'm a big fan of it. I also am so so so in love with "She Got It" by 2 Pistols featuring T-Pain, no less. You should know by now a mediocre song becomes great if T-Pain is added to the equation. Other than that, I'm laying pretty low. But I'll refer you to Under the Radar magazine, which I determined had the best staff ever based on their top 2007 picks (they picked Bat For Lashes, Feist, AND Tegan & Sara. Doesn't get better than that). I wouldn't really rec the magazine itself though...the layout's pretty bad, and it's really overpriced. I'm still a Death + Taxes lover.

I'm digging this 3-day weekend thing. I need to go shopping. I really want to be able to pull of that whole top-braid style, except my hair is way too short to braid. Last thing: I need my license. Really soon.

more than just a dance hall drug.

What is this I hear? The writer's strike is coming to an end! Writers reached a tentative deal with the producers, and I guess we'll all know if things are good tomorrow. But, I think there are talks of an actors' strike now. Seriously. All I want is some decent television, please; no more of this reality TV crap that they keep feeding us. I want my Gossip Girl, my Office, and a regular TV season instead of the same old packaged reruns. And I'm not even a huge TV watcher. I also love seeing the best/worst of the red carpet, so it's really good the strike is ending right before Oscar season. Oh, that reminds me: the Grammys is on tonight, apparently for its 50th anniversary. Kanye is going to kill someone if he doesn't win everything Album of the Year, just because he's a prick. But I'm probably watching the show to see Feist perform, and Rihanna. And I'm rooting for Paramore. But I have a feeling I'll watch the awards show mostly in boredom, because those types of things usually are.

I'm still on my Boys Like Girls wave. "Dance Hall Drug" is such a true song, about how we're all just so young but looking to accelerate our lives with things like alcohol or sex or drugs. I wish we could all slow down and experience what we have right now (freedom from stressful things like taxes and money and marriage), except all we're looking for is to be a little bit older, a little bit more experienced. Maybe naivety is good sometimes.

I'm still waiting for a great February, but I think it's coming this week. And the next. And the next. Anyway, I smell food, so catch you later.

i've got my hands in my pocket and my head in a cloud.

I had a snippet of a song in one of the Girl Talk mash-ups stuck in my head the other day. Trying to identify which song it came from required me to listen to the entire CD over again for those 10 seconds. It was actually quite nice to have an album where I didn't get sick of anything. I think Night Ripper is going to be on my playlist for a while, just because it won't get tedious. I know I mentioned Girl Talk and Boys Like Girls already, but it's just what I've been listening to lately. "Hero Heroine" by Boys Like Girls is just so catchy; except when I try to sing it, I sound absolutely terrible. I don't understand how guys can perfect their falsettos, yet I sound like absolute shit. Oh well, I'm not really complaining. All this pump-you-up music I've been listening to recently has gotten me to really want to dance. I'm not the type to just go dancing out on the street and make a fool of myself; I require other fools to join me, so I'm waiting for a dance party. Or Vice, for that matter.

We got our registration forms for the classes we're taking senior year. It made me feel really old to fill out that yellow form. We finally get to this point where it's our last year making these decisions to impress colleges. Yes, that is exactly why I am taking Journalism and Photo, and then 4 APs to round it all out. What joy. Maybe taking Photo will help me learn how to use my Olympus XA...but I highly doubt it, considering the class is digital photography, and all you do is click the shutter and play around on Photoshop. How high-tech.

The beginning of the month always signifies a slew of magazines in my mailbox. I wasn't expecting anything this month, when out of the blue comes GOOD (with their food theme issue...perfect), Seventeen (to fulfill my inner girly teen), AP (normally highly disappointing, but this month they have Tegan & Sara on the cover. Major props.) and Teen Vogue (pretty much crap, but at least they know how to get their photos done right). Plus I get Newsweek every week. Call me a loser, I'm just more intelligent than you are. It's getting a little annoying, though, because the magazine has been front to back about the election for the past couple weeks (and probably for the past couple months). It's like the election is all America can talk about. Oh, Romney's suspended. McCain's gonna win. If Hillary wins I'll shoot myself. Blah blah blah. There's still a considerable amount of time until Election Day! It's all this hype with the media.

And that's where I'll conclude that (if you want to hear more about media, read my ISP).

don't you want to feel my bones on your bones?

Wow. So I believe anything is possible now, considering Eli Manning just won the Superbowl for the New York Giants. Jesus, I love him. Now, I'm not a big fan of football...in fact, I don't really follow it at all. But, when Superbowl comes around my own tradition is to root for the underdog: always, without fail. For a really long time, the Patriots would always go to the Superbowl. Every single fucking time. As "hot" as Tom Brady is, I was getting really sick of that team winning all the time (yeah, they're good so they get to the top...I don't care. Still.) so I consistently rooted for the opposing side. And here we are! The Giants, who I don't ever recall making it the Superbowl in my memory, MADE THE WINNING TOUCHDOWN in the last few seconds. Boy, I do love those Manning brothers.

So yesterday, I donned my boots and headed to the Fallbrook Laemmle theater to watch The Diving Bell and the Butterfly. This movie has topped so many critics' lists of 2007, but I had a feeling it would never come to any AMC or other commercial theaters since a) it's French and b) it's NOT crap. (God forbid AMC shows shit that isn't Meet The Spartans or fucking Cloverfield). But old reliable Laemmle had it going. The theater itself kind of sucks. Every single ticket purchaser is a senior citizen, and you can hear the echoes of other movies playing when you're sitting in the theater. But I still bought my cinnamon pretzel and fell in love with this film. Oh dear, was it amazing. It's a true story adapted from a novel (of the same name); this Elle editor gets into a coma and it's about his experiences communicating and eventually writing an entire notebook with only his left eyelid to communicate. Fascinating, right? (say yes.) The film communicated through the man's eye, so it was pretty visceral watching the eye blink (or not), and hearing his thoughts in his brain but seeing the inability of anyone understanding. Just watch the film, darn it. They actually give you student discounts at the Laemmle, if you need one more reason.

I went on another music exploring frenzy today. I discovered Girl Talk, just some dude that DJs and does crazy mashups rolling 10+ songs into one flawless club mix. And there's about 16 of those on his album Night Ripper. Please go get it. It's so good; plus, you're guaranteed to recognize snippets of songs like "Goodies" or "Sugar, We're Going Down" or whatever. Jesus, Girl Talk is so addictive. I need a dance party...now. Oh and turns out I might not have to worry about that Vice date...but who knows? We'll see about that. Anyway, more music. Santogold is also great, more of a M.I.A. vibe (whom I absolutely adore). "Feedback (Remix)" by Janet Jackson featuring Ciara is such a great dance song. Seriously, I think I'm set for the next party already. Oh, I forgot to mention "Drop" by the Ying Yang Twins. But yes, although the radio isn't offering anything good anymore (considering it's February, and no new songs come out now), I still manage! Go me.

One last thing before I sign off. I feel like such an amateur with my Olympus XA. Apparently it's easy to focus with a rangefinder, but I have no idea. The manual is so tiny and hard to read, so it's really difficult to digest. And any website is way too smart-sounding with all this jargon I don't understand at all. Hopefully with experience, I'll get better. Basically I'm thinking of using the film I have loaded right now as a test drive, wasting it on pictures of ... my room. Maybe theyll still turn out okay with Lomo-like vignetting. I'm quite excited to see my results, but will also be highly disappointed if they turn out to be shit (most likely). Speaking of shit, school tomorrow.

you move slow like daytime drama.

Yes, I realize perfectly I haven't written in two weeks. One word: finals. I'm not going to go in depth about how I basically bombed all of them and barely got the grades (if I did, at all). No...it's the weekend, and I'll push off the thought of school until Monday, when it actually all starts to matter. I've been living the past few days running with a high fever and a runny nose, feeling a huge migraine while I stayed up until 2 AM packing in Bohr equations and expansion by cofactors into my head. So I am fucking done talking about school.

I just visited the Be Kind, Rewind site. First, the movie concept is great-Jack Black has a magnetized brain and he works at a video rental store, so he has accidentally erased all these films. So he and his partner Mos Def recreate all these classics, like Ghostbusters and 2001: A Space Odyssey and a whole lot more, and people fall in love. I am about to fall in love with this movie, especially since it's by Michel Gondry, the Eternal Sunshine director. He even created a trailer where his own trailer was destroyed, so he and his buddies had to recreate the trailer. So creative. And what's more, the movie site "destroys" your internet and out pops Google, with their own versions of Myspace and a savvy search engine. This concept is just amazing and I wish I had the guts to pull it off. Needless to say, I'm counting down until 2/22.

This month overall is pretty exciting. No, I'm not getting my driver's this month, which is really good considering I almost crashed into a car making a left turn yesterday. But there's a multitude of parties, and more exciting things. Um well yes, there are shitty things like people consistently asking who I'm asking to Vice, or SAT scores on the 14th, or grades in general...but let's not think about that, shall we? I'm just putting it out there, this month is already great and can only get better from here. I hope.

One last thing: yes, I got the Olympus XA! It came in a handy and crusty old box (it was 12 years old, apparently) with its A11 flash. I took about 20 minutes finding where to put in the batteries, and what all the controls were. And I miserably failed at my first attempt to load film. But now, I just need subjects to photograph. I'm pretty excited but I also have a feeling I'll never get around to it until at least summertime. I hope not...I want to make use of my camera, considering it was really expensive and I feel horribly guilty for making my friend buy it for me.

And yes...that's about all for now (forgive me, I'm brain dead and lazy from 12 hours of sleep).