consider the odds, consider the obvious.

If only we really tried to understand who other people really are. Are they confrontational or submissive? Are they open with others, or do they live in a shell? Do they feel the need to resolve every single tiny issue, or are they more carefree? If only you knew what kind of person I am, and the same for me to you, then so many things would just make much more sense. Maybe then we all wouldn’t berate each other for shying away when we’re under stress; we would understand why the other person felt the need to leave sixty voicemails; we’d just comprehend (not like or even accept, but comprehend) why people act in certain ways. But that alone could resolve so much tension or drama that we really don’t need in our lives.

I might as well start with the person I am, so we can cross myself off the list of “Why the hell does she act this way?” (By the way, I know I’ve been really repetitive these past few entries, talking about the same shit all the time. But it’s on my mind too much for me to not write about.) I am a pretty damn good archetype for a passive-aggressive person. Shall I go through the characteristics listed on Wikipedia? I “avoid responsibility by claiming forgetfulness.” I complain. I “don’t express hostility or anger openly.” I fear “authority, competition, dependency, and intimacy.” I am “intentionally inefficient.” I “make excuses, lie, procrastinate, and resist suggestions from others.” Sarcasm? Stubbornness? Sullenness? Deliberate withholding of understanding? Fuck, I did not know how passive-aggressive I was until I matched about 90% of the characteristics.

There are tons of other things about me that you might already know, or you could learn to know. I have horrible communication problems. I don't do well with having confrontations over the phone, much less face-to-face. I like the security, the pause of being able to think, and not being able to see your judging my every move (or lack of a move). But then, on the other end, there are so many things I always want to say, but these thoughts only come when I'm back alone and the chance has already passed. And maybe the next will come, but by then the courage will have been lost. And once someone starts initiating anything, even a confrontation, I"ll probably manage. But bring up an issue on my own? It's that one word, fear, that prevents me from getting anything done. That continues these overwhelming thoughts inside my head that don't ever go away, because I fear. Fear, fear what?

The look you might give me, the snide look that says you don't care what I"m about to say. The consequences that might happen-good or bad, and how it might affect me later on. The future, and if this confrontation I might initiate might affect you still being in it. Bottom line, I fear you. All of you. No matter how close we are as people, never will I stop thinking...will this next thing that I might say make you hate me? It could be lack of trust. It could be fear. I don't know completely. But hopefully you know a little more about why I act the way I do.

And how about you?