is this the quiet place where you should be alone?

This would be where the countdown until school ends and summer begins would go, except that I am far too lazy to be calculating it. But it’s coming so much sooner than I think, and yet it’s taking so long to get here…oh, lazy summer days, how I want you here so, so much. I’m getting excited with all these summer plans (that probably sound reasonable now, but when the time comes it probably just won’t play out…but that’s me, the pessimist): once-a-week amusement park trips, hitting all the California beaches we possibly can (and not just Zuma), a one-day road trip to Santa Barbara, exploring vintage stores on random streets in the SFV...

I spent the last thirty-ish hours debating whether I should go visit the majority of my family in Korea for either a three-week or five-week interval, maybe go on a trip to some other Asian country like Thailand with my cousin, and follow her around as she creates a newspaper written in English (basically, an amazing and coincidental opportunity that does not come easy). What did I end up choosing? Oh, just staying home. Perhaps getting a job or doing some dead-end volunteering that my heart isn’t really into (don’t berate me, I know how “horrible” it is that high schoolers aren’t passionate about community service and just do it for college. I know).

Why? Why would I throw away a great opportunity, plus the option to visit a whole new country (which I have wanted to do for quite some time)? Simple. I can’t stand boredom. As much as I complain about “stress” or being soooo busy during the school year, listlessness is something I just will not ever tolerate. Sitting on my ass at home with the fan on high, refreshing Facebook every five seconds while I look to someone, anyone to make plans anywhere, anytime is generally not my idea of fun.

But imagine there, the problem increases tenfold. Not only am I bored to death and stuck watching Asian TV (really, all the television I don’t watch in America I more than make up for in Korea), I’m also stuck in awkward situations where I have to work to create conversation with my family. As fluent as people might think I am in Korean, I’m not. Simple as this, I don’t think in my head in Korean, and never will in this lifetime. The words don’t flow out naturally. And honestly, I’m a horrible conversationalist talking in my native language. How am I supposed to manage it in a new country, with family members I haven’t seen in years? I know I’m supposed to try. I know they’re my blood relations. I realize I’m guilty of a billion crimes, and this is probably up there on the list. But you really can’t blame me for not wanting to force these situations upon myself. And as much as I love my cousin, she also has friends and a life and I can’t exactly leech off of her for three weeks straight.

So there it is. Home for the entire summer, for the first time with nothing really to do except (try to) make money and enjoy the best season of the year (well, almost). Home to be able to go to Warped Tour and the endless number of other concerts I’ve been wanting to go to all year but never did. Home to experience the 100-degree weather and burning my hand on the steering wheel. Home for my parent to yell at me to start working on college apps (yeah, right). So there it is. Home.

well you done done me and you bet i felt it.

Half a month it's been...and what a half of a month. Cram all the APs and finals you can, mix it with some SAT IIs and a lot of finalized grades and projects that no one's assigned the entire year, and you've got the first half of May pretty down. But I'd like to push that to the back of my mind. So can I just tell you? Right after the AP Chem multiple choice on May 13, I officially got senioritis. It might not be as severe as those seniors I referred to in the last entry, but fuck, it is not a great thing to have. I completely screwed up the free response portion of the chem test because I was so out of it, happy that I was almost tasting freedom. I proceeded to screw up my stat and chem finals, although it didn't really matter, and I've been delaying my math homework for the entire week...there goes a potential A for the pop quiz!

But do you know what the best part is? I've got all this super procrastination going on, including finishing a project two hours before it's due (that has never in my life happened to me before), and I could care less. All I can think about is summer, and next year, and even just this weekend, when life is going to be better. All I can think about is the future. All I can do is contradict everything I just wrote in that last entry about living in the present. And sure, it's not like I'm sick of anyone here yet, but my new phrase has become "dgaf" since those four letters pretty much symbolize my life.

Summer is within reach...everyone's started counting how many days there are left, which tells me that summer is pretty damn close. This is the one summer where life is carefree; there's no SAT to prepare for, or a hard junior year in front of me. Sure, there are college apps, but really, who starts in the summer anyway? This is the summer I'm going to own, the one that will finally be all mine (the freedom of driving helps, a lot). Getting a job would be nice, especially to meet people other than the ones from school, but getting hired is a bitch and I don't know what to even shoot for. Whatever happens, I know I'm going to explore LA inside out, and then maybe a little more. And just think about it...it will be the last summer of really being a high school student. How surreal.

If you were expecting some intense rant when you opened this window today, I apologize. The stress has completely left me, and with it I feel like a part of my mind is just empty, happy thoughts...which might explain the random, boring tidbits in this entry. But you know what? I'm glad this entry sort of blows. At least my life doesn't.

seniors, this one's for you.

May has crept up on me, and with it fast approaches loads and loads of tests: SAT Subject tests, floods of three hour AP tests, and the finals to go along with it. But really, the only real thing these tests signify is the end of the year coming real soon. In little over a month, I will be a senior. A senior! Te word I've been waiting for since freshman year. Yearning for everything: the privileges, the status, even the stress from college apps and the dread of rejection letters...I cant wait for all of it.

All my life I've given the word "senior" a positive connotation, but for once, now, there's something I"m dreading. Something I'm seeing in a lot of seniors now; something I hope to god I don't get: senioritis. And no, I don't mean schoolwise: I know I'm definitely getting academic senioritis, and I couldn't care less if I majorly slack off senior year-I'm already a pretty bad slacker anyway. But no, I mean senioritis in another sense: that "who cares?" nonchalance, the "why bother?" attitude. They say the opposite of love isn't hate, it's indifference, and that's exactly what senioritis embodies. Don't know what I'm talking about? I mean that mindset of not pursuing anything. Of not wanting to hang out, not wanting to take up new opportunities or make new friends. Not wanting or caring enough to make peace with someone you fought with. Just being apathetic in general about everything. And why? It's obvious, right? Because "I'm going to college. Everything will be different, everything will change, and nothing at home will even matter." It's like seniors are living already in the future, making their present already their past. They're investing all their hopes in college, and everything else in their minds just fades away.

It's that apathy that I'm terrified of. Of falling into a routine; of being too lazy to pursue anything new because time is running out anyway. I want to be that senior who takes the opposite road. The one who makes the most of her last year here, the one who isn't indifferent and actually cares about experiencing new things instead of having a "whatever" approach. Who knows if my senior year will even be all that new or exciting? All I know is that when the apathy starts to settle in, I'm going to look back on this entry and at least have an open attitude. One where I think anything can happen, even with the clock counting down to college. Unlike a lot of the seniors now, hopefully I'll actually care.