this room's too small, it's only getting smaller.

Jumping from one age group to the other...I found my new TV show marathon for the summer. Weeds! No longer talking about a preteen's double life as a pop star and teenager, now we're talking about a middle-aged woman's double life as a drug dealer and suburban mom (apparently my actual town is Agrestic's "neighbor"). Both deal with double lives...kind of similar, right? I'm honestly in love with this show, though, from Mary Louise Parker's stunning acting ability to Justin Chatwin's one-time appearance in the pilot (dammit) to the overuse of profanity...kind of a breath of fresh/adult air after a week of hearing Miley Stewart say "profanities" like "sweet niblets." Anyway, I just started season 2 and it's getting more and more fascinating. Best part? Season 4 is airing currently...not that I have Showtime, so I can't watch it. Typical. Actually I don't really care, since I don't watch that much TV on the actual television anyway, except Gossip Girl and the occasional Office episode.

I tried to start an entry twice in the past two days and right now I'm just pushing through since I already got one (useless) paragraph down, so forgive me if the rest of this turns to shit. I started asking several people if they'd rather listen to an overly cocky person or an overly modest one. Personally I'd rather take the overly modest one any day, even if he or she is just secretly fishing for compliments and knows that s/he is truly better than s/he says. I can't fucking stand pompous, full of bullshit people who think they've never done wrong in this entire world, and what they say always goes, because they're the fucking shit. I probably prefer listening to an overly modest person just because I can relate way more, since the one reason I do that is to boost my self-esteem, hearing other people compliment me and feeling better about myself. Listening to myself boost my own self-esteem, not exactly the same. But I guess being cocky is just an excessive amount of self-confidence, which is an amazing virtue I'd love to have. Plus, self-confidence gives that preconception that you actually are the shit to people you meet, instead of them having to determining it for themselves (or worse yet, thinking you are actual crap). I guess it's just personal opinion.

And on that note, I'll be going now to a) watch the rest of Weeds or b) take a nice long nap until the morning.

running races, still don't know what i've been chasing.

Really...not much has changed since three days ago, but what else can I do? My Hannah Montana marathon is over, as I've seen every single episode that could possibly be found on Youtube. Go me! Not. I tried to tackle Wizards of Waverly Place but the premise just wasn't as good, although Selena Gomez is gorgeous. The most pathetic thing about my whole Disney obsession is that...they're all younger than I am! Jesu Christo. Funny thing, I took one listen of "Watch The Sky" (SoCo) five minutes ago and it was pure amazingness. As much as I do love those Disney kids (hey, at least I don't watch The Suite Life of...whatever! Yet), my old me is beckoning me to rave about Andrew McMahon's voice instead of Nick Jonas's. Speaking of, new Jacks Mannequin soon! I'm waiting...for it to be leaked. As if I bought music? HAHA. Actually I bought a CD the other day, but let's not mention what it was...

People who always think they're right drive me crazy. Stubborn, unwilling to change their opinions, always convinced that they're the fucking best. That what they think goes, that what they say goes. Yeah, I'm back to that whole "I hate elitists/condescending people" thing again. I'm not saying I hate people who voice their opinion, but would it kill you to say it in a nice way where it doesn't demean the shit out of me? Getting shot down is one of my fears, whether it be a guy or some authority figure or one of my close friends. I know I do it too, but I get terrified when people argue a point and raise their voices over a petty thing. Okay, it might be "fun" to argue (though I don't really see it) but that degrading, I know tons of shit that you don't because you're retarded voice is really sickening.

What's amusing is that the whole "degrading" thing I talked about in the last paragraph is bothering me probably because I can't make an argument to save my life. My mom and I have the gene where we can't do comebacks (or argument-backs) or debate for shit. We're the type of people who walk away and half an hour later, smack ourselves in the head and think, "Why the fuck didn't I say that?" The other half of the family, however, are definite arguers, always getting what they want and head-butting while we play the role of mediator. Yeah, I wish I could argue my point, but I never was good with debating (at least not with speech).

I feel like I know less about myself now that I haven't done one of those introspectives in my special yellow notebook, or my myspace white box for a while. I called my blogger my introspective "about me", but it didn't exactly turn out to be a Carolyn autopsy. But it's a toss-up...do I want to keep examining my faults and occasional pros, or do I actually want to do something about it and change? Latter, please. And I feel like I've been on that road for a while.

i'm slipping into the lava, and trying to keep from going under.

I realized I've procrastinated this entry just as much as I had been procrastinating junior year finals...but now that that's all over with! I don't really think junior year was the "hardest year of my life," or "hell year" (although it did include one hell of a teacher). Sure, it was a lot of work, but my constancy in pushing everything off until the last minute worked okay, and I did get shittier grades but hey. I definitely found a better balance of work and play this year; my parents let me loose a little bit more; and I definitely didn't worry and brood over the B+/A- borderline like I had done before. Ah, but why even talk about how much I like that school's over? There's an entire summer ahead of me, with three days behind me and plenty more to go. And then...senior year? And college? This is just too surreal.

Forget about the "serious" talk. My newfound love for the Jonas Brothers is kind of sickening, embarrassing, and way too far gone. I hate, hate, hate to admit it but the poster up in my room is becoming less of a joke and more of a serious fan thing. I've replayed the "Burnin' Up" video at least ten times. I'm on the edge of my seat about watching Camp Rock. And I'm becoming like a retarded teenybopper fangirl who reads shitty magazines about Nick Jonas's favorite candy bars and shit (not really...I'm not THAT far gone, but I'm getting there). And since I did absolutely nothing today besides drive to LAX and almost kill myself ten times over, I've watched the first six episodes of Hannah Montana...and will probably finish the series by the end of the summer. Oh, what happened to me? Kill me now.

On second thought, why should I give a shit about what other people have to think about the "Disney clones"? Or about how people think Nick's voice is too whiny, or Miley Cyrus has hideous teeth (okay, she does), or that the premise of Hannah Montana is stupid (okay...that too), and that I really should not be listening to cookie-cutter "crap"? It's time we're not ashamed to admit we like an artist, no matter what a bad rep he or she may have, and no matter what kind of bad rep you might get by liking them. Who gives a shit? It doesn't make me any worse than the kinds of hipsters who seek bands that no one has ever heard of (Somebody Loves You, Boris Yeltsin?) and then flaunt the fact that they're the only ones who know the band. Liking unpopular bands just because they're the underdog. It's just as stupid as liking a popular artist because they're on the top of the charts. But honestly, I do neither. Case in point? I fucking hate that Katy Perry "I Kissed A Girl" song...and it's #1 right now on iTunes. Boo yah.

On an ending note so this entire entry won't be about my lack of shame for liking the Jonas Brothers and Hannah Montana...yearbook entries are the biggest confidence boost! Look into it, those of you with low self-esteem. Like me.