singing my thoughts back to me, like watching heartache on tv.

When I should be caring more about things, as the (school) year is drawing to a close in a matter of months...this is when I just feel like giving up, crawling under the covers and falling asleep for days, weeks. I just don't care. APs, SATIIs, finals, "most important year of your life"...shut up. SHUT UP. This isn't even stress or pressure that I'm breaking under, it's me opening my review books, glancing at the page, and going back to opening the Facebook window. Not healthy, and totally screwed, and couldn't care less. But that's always how it goes with me, and then comes June and July when the scores cloud my mailbox and I'm filled with regret. And yet I don't change. But what's that quote, The more things change, the more they stay the same? So this should come as no surprise.

I have to write 60 word reviews/recommendations of some nice albums on my iPod for the article I've coveted for this entire year on the paper. Slight problem, though, since I can't eliminate three albums. So far I've got it down to Vampire Weekend, Band of Horses, Bat for Lashes, Brand New, Say Anything, Cut Copy, Dashboard Confessional, and Tegan and Sara. I realize I kind of sound pretentious while writing these, acting like I'm some hotshot critic knowing what "ethereal music" even means. I highly doubt I'm cut out to be a music journalist; although I love to criticize, it just feels too wrong to tell people what to and what not to like. Shouldn't that be something that's all yours? If people genuinely like to listen to Paris Hilton's autotuned voice, let them. There shouldn't be rules for any type of art, be it some hideous dress a la Bjork or a painting of a red circle selling for millions of dollars. If people find some good in what they like, let them like it. I'm sick of the hipsters getting on people's asses for liking "bad" music. Maybe your electroclashindie is just as horrible, so don't judge.

Back when I was in middle school, while loads of high schoolers raved about lyrics they could relate to in Taking Back Sunday or Dashboard Confessional songs, I felt so out of the loop. I’d sit, wishing I could experience life as they all could, even if it was a tragedy like heartbreak. I know, I was only twelve or thirteen and bound to know nothing about the subjects these bands were addressing. And yet, three, four years down the line, it’s still rare I can grasp a song and say “I couldn’t have put it better myself.” Sure, I should be satisfied that it happens at all (usually in Tegan and Sara songs) and yet I want to know, how do these lyricists even do it? Do they write so the audience can relate? Do they write whatever they feel like, using vague metaphors to hide their actual experiences, and just throwing it at us so we can do whatever we’d like with it? The whole thing just screams awkward: tons of people look to paper and pen for comfort, but I couldn’t imagine being able to form the words flowing out into coherent lyrics, paired with actual guitars and a voice. Maybe it’s just one more gift I don’t possess.

Speaking of gifts I don’t possess, I need to learn to not be so terrified. I want to be take-charge person and take initiative; I want to be starting something. But without fail I always wait for experiences and opportunities to be thrown at me instead. And even with my life handed to me on a plate, I still somehow manage to screw it all up. If only I had guts. If only I had a little more confidence. If only I wasn’t scared of what someone else would say. If only I could stop reciting these “if only”s and actually do something about it.