light in the dark as i search for a resolution.

I don't like admitting this, and I'm not even trying to be modest to let compliments pour in, but my writing ability has seriously declined since last summer. I'm reading my old journal entries and essays, sometimes wowed by myself and in denial, and then I put my black pen to paper and words flow out, but they don't sound educated. They don't flow. It doesn't grip the reader, and it comes out as separate words jumbled together, juxtaposed strangely on lined sheets. I miss my writing last year, when I wrote the best short fiction story I've ever written, and my essays I wrote prepping for SAT (nerdy, but yes) were so dead-on. Maybe it's my lack of practice this summer; I have, in fact, spent more time writing pointless journal entries and making lists instead of concentrating on what I should write for my college essays. Now I'm sitting here, majorly fucked as I procrastinate this until the very end. As if I would do anything else. As if I could function anyway else.

Senior year is nearing, in a matter of days and hours instead of months and years. The final note of high school, with only 40 weeks until that marvelous graduation day. Everyone echoes each other, saying it's surreal and so "weird", but I have been ready for this moment for years. Barely anyone's ready to graduate, to separate from the life they've known for 17 or 18 years, but right now I feel like I'm going to walk out of California, boarding a plane (hopefully) to my next destination, and leaving no regrets. I'm so ready to get out. And I know how disgustingly often this topic comes up again and again in this blog. Imagine how many times I think about it per day.

I might as well embrace that I've become a shit writer and talk about shit things. Jack's Mannequin's new album is the best thing ever. I'm rocking "Orphans" on repeat, and it will stay that way for a while. Meanwhile, I'm obsessed with the Olympics. I watch it every night until I fall asleep, and I was so caught up with Shawn Johnson and Nastia Liukin and rooting them toward gold. Besides that, I have done absolutely nothing of interest. I might go write some, since the idea that all my writing ability has fell out of my brain is a bit depressing.

i'm speechless, over the edge i'm just breathless.

For once, I have nothing to write about. Why even bother opening up this blogger window, you say? Very good question. I’ll get back to you when I can answer that myself. School is near approaching…21 days to be exact. This fact scares and exhilarates me at the same time. I can’t wait until the anticlimactic or surreal nature of senior year, one or the other…or maybe both. I’m listening to “Paper Planes” by M.I.A., one of the (only) jewels on Kala, and it’s mighty distracting and making this entry seem super dramatic. I’m just rambling here. But anyway, I figure the sooner I start senior year, the sooner it will end. I realize how wrong this approach to life is, anticipating the end before the beginning has even, well, begun. To be honest, though, I don’t really care about what’s right or wrong…I just want to go to college (have I basically summed up senioritis in that one sentence? I think so).

I’m just noticing my desktop background is always some random picture I liked on the Cobrasnake. I realize how creepy this makes me, since any random girl (or boy) could end up on my desktop simply because he or she was attractive or weird enough to have a photo taken of at a random LA party. Call me whatever, but I blame it on Mark Hunter himself…hey, he put up the photo online. And I ~appreciate the photography. God, I am such a creep online…whatever, I am not ashamed. I’m realizing how stupid and pointless this entry is, and this is supposed to be my “better” blog. Okay, okay, in all seriousness…

I’m glad I have ideals. I like that I want to become a writer, and also enjoy and bemuse about the fact that I’m going to get a shitty paycheck each month, will live off ramen and water because that’s all I can afford, since I’m 75% of my paycheck will immediately go to the pricey rent in whichever city I need to live in to work whatever job. Yes, my clothes could quite possibly be too worn in and “so last season” but to me, all that really matters is that I enjoy it. That I enjoy my job, that I enjoy my lifestyle. I really don’t care what shitty pay I may get, as long as I’m still alive and what I do everyday helps me feel alive, as cheesy as that may sound. I would take the poor artist route any day over working the dead-end office job as an accountant, yet being able to buy all the Marc Jacobs I wanted. Call me stupid, call me naïve, call me innocent, call me inexperienced. But I’m sixteen and I don’t want to be tainted by the realities of life yet. I’m still young. I’m allowed to be clouded, and I’ll keep my vision until I’m forced to change.

Last notes…every song on A Little Bit Longer is my summer jam. Not really, but most of them are. I can’t wait for Tuesday, and yes, I’m actually going to buy the album.

you change your mind like a girl changes clothes.

I think I’ve been thinking about college ever since I was born. Well, you’re thinking, that’s an obvious statement, coming from a family like mine where the main goal in life is to go to a good college, get a good job, and be “successful.” And while it’s true that’s probably why college was implanted into my brain from such a young age, I think it’s more than just that fact that makes me love the idea of college. Sure, it satisfies the nerd in me that actually does want to learn, as long as it doesn’t involve certain subjects here and there. That nice part about how I get to choose my own classes has always been a huge draw. And of course, that other factor where there are no parents roaming around. Ever. RAs, whatever. College always meant party central in my mind.

But I think the main reason I loved, and still love, the idea of college so much is that coexisting part, about how we are stuffed into dorms and have to learn how to live with each other. The part where if I walk out of my room, my potential closet expands tenfold. The part about how I can eventually find another person to watch Gossip Girl with, if need be. The part about how even if said person doesn’t live in the same dorm, they only live a block or two away from me and I’ll inevitably see them the next day. That closeness was always intriguing to me, for better or worse…because I’ll admit, being around people 24/7 removes privacy right off the bat, and tears your walls down. But at this point, I think I’ve had enough of privacy, and I’ve had enough of my guard being up. I want people to break my “bubble,” as bizarre as that sounds.

Of course, there’s always the part about how college will be a new experience altogether, in another city at the very least, in another state across the country to its extreme (and the one I’m shooting for). I think those of you who regularly read this blog are sick to death about me talking about my perpetual senioritis, though, so I won’t bother. But I figured this entry was necessary for all of those who wonder why I’m so obsessed with college, about why I know all these random facts about it, about why I request brochures to every single college I want to attend and practically memorize its pages (that’s certainly what I’ve done with Northwestern’s…and that was a year ago). I’ll admit it—I’m so excited for college, and I want to be at that point 12 months from now where I’m counting down the days until I move in, not the months or the years. But the time will come.

Just got my hands on Anthony Green’s Avalon. It’s every bit as amazing as I had anticipated. Anthony Green never ceases to amaze me, whether with his looks (ha) or his incredible voice. It’s really quite different from his Circa Survive work, and that’s a good thing once in a while, as amazing as Circa is. A little more ~indie, I’d say. And yes, I’m still every bit as obsessed over the Jonas Brothers. A Little Bit Longer comes out in a week and a half, now, and I’m so excited. I love almost every single song on the album. And one last rec: “Miss California” by Jack’s Mannequin. While I’m moping around about missing the concert in Costa Mesa, at least that song will satisfy me…for now.