life is a maze and love is a riddle.

I have simply been too busy to write in here, but more and more I've been bemoaning the lack of an update, since I have many things to tackle. Like, how much I detest that people don't seem to listen to my music recommendations. I know it's such a trivial issue but I don't know how many times I'm driven insane when I introduce someone to a band or musician and they half-heartedly listen to it, but then some other, more forceful (I guess) person pimps the same band out, and suddenly everyone loves it. It infuriates me so much that my opinion is shoved aside until someone who is simply louder and more obnoxious likes a song, and suddenly it's everywhere. But then again, I guess that's what publicity is all about. I realize it's kind of ridiculous to freak out over this little thing...but whatever.

Gradual loss of friends could possibly be the worst way to go. At least when you separate because of some big drama issue, it's curable if both parties just forgive each other. But a gradual change, that's near impossible to fix. And I wish so much that it wasn't happening to me, for the most trivial reasons, but it's something out of my reach and inevitable anyway. To just sit back and watch it happen is painful, but what else can I do?

I think for this entry particularly, I'm using this as a forum to tell certain people certain things (because God knows, this isn't great writing...at all). And I wish people would know that I hate drama, and that I overthink things and never get over anything until it actually is solved, and problems can't just "go away" for me. And I wish certain people would know how much everything is hurting me, and how I somewhat resent how different this year is becoming, and how much I just want last year back. But time is time.

if the world is ending, i'm throwing the party.

Sporadic updates-get used to it. Senior year is busier than I thought, or maybe I’m just being lazy about the blog. (Though somehow, I manage to check if I get comments everyday—and I haven’t). Senioritis has hit in particular subjects, notably calculus and physics. I don’t really care that the derivative of the velocity function is acceleration, and that acceleration can mean deceleration also. That’s very nice to know; however, I’d rather know about Jenny Lewis’s album dropping on my birthday, or about the new sale at Forever 21. Fucked up priorities, maybe, but I’m me. Thankfully, I like most of my classes and haven’t gotten the sleep attack all the time yet (must be the caffeine every morning).

Even so, I miss certain things about last year. Don’t get me wrong, I love this year so far, and the new people brought with it. But there was something about junior year—getting up every morning for zero period, sitting in those same Lecture Hall seats, mumbling “that’s what she said” jokes. Or spending support period with the same people everyday, wasting away a good 45 minutes talking about random things. Just the constancy of junior year and knowing that things (for the year at least) would remain the same was comforting. But then summer wiped away the routines and brought the change, and here I am a good few weeks into senior year, lamenting change. Change, a word I wholeheartedly love yet am turning away from, unlike the entry right below this. Yes, some things about this year are just so, so much better than the last, but not knowing what the next week or month will bring is unsettling.

It worries me—if I can’t deal with some minor changes here and there that came to me senior year, how am I going to cope with the overhaul of a new city, a new school, and a whole new pack of friends in college? Could it be, that after all these years (and entries) about wanting college, craving college, whining about not being in college…that I could be scared for college? That maybe change is something to be feared sometimes, because it creeps up unexpectedly and blows away the entire groundwork, so the next minute or hour is dripping with suspense? Maybe I am like every other senior after all, a contradictory bundle of emotions craving to get out of here but crying those tears at graduation, sad to leave it all behind.

But whether or not I want senior year to slow down or speed up, time is time—the one unit that never changes, something I cannot accelerate or decelerate on my own will. And the end of high school is coming, with each tick that my clock quietly chirps in my room. Maybe I want senior year to end right now—and so what? All I can do is lead this year to the end and make it as non-shitty as possible. Or maybe I want to prolong this year to my advantage, and make the best of everything this place has to offer. Either way, I’m welcoming senior year officially. 12th grade, the last numerical grade—I embrace you.

i'll follow you until you love me, paparazzi.

A two-week fast from my blog...I did miss you. So many things are different from the last entry; namely, I've started school (applause applause). Everyone was right; first semester senior year is probably going to blow and be just like junior year. The senioritis has subsided a bit from last year's end of the year fiasco, but I'm sure it will creep its way back into my life in no time. College apps are taunting me, saying "Look at me, bitch, I'm due November 1, so DO ME." (Yeah yeah that's what she said). i hope these "life-changing" college decisions I'm making will hopefully be the right ones. But in the end, I don't think it will make the hugest difference.

First day of senior year, I already despised it. Everything was just so different from the security I felt in junior year, knowing my place and where I stood with the people who mattered to me most. Now there are more choices: there are the obvious ones like, On campus or off campus? Gelsons or Commons? This group or that group? And deeper ones, like Are they even worth it? Why was I ever so torn up over people I didn't even care about? Let me just take a break to say that I think the ban on ending sentences with a preposition is fucking bullshit. Google it. Seriously, does anyone provide a valid reason why this rule exists? The reason is because is redundant, anyways is just not a word, but this rule is just petty and dumb. /nerd Over this long, three-day weekend, even as more and more shit popped up, I'm thinking...why did everything mean so much to me, and why did I overanalyze the dumbest things and take everything personally? And why did I even let these people get to me?

I'm not going to go out on a limb and say I'm more chill, because I'm not, not really. It just occurred to me that it isn't the end of my life if some people aren't a big part of my life anymore. There are other people in this world, in this high school, that I never even registered or realized until I took myself out of the own little bubble I'd been in for so long. Maybe I'm just getting started early on this whole "meeting new people" thing, or the "getting closer to people who've been there all along but you never really talked to" aspect too. Or maybe it's the nonacademic senioritis sneaking up onto me, in a different form. But the best maybe is that maybe it's just me changing, letting go of some of the stupid whiny shit I always wrote about in my journal, because they really no longer matter if/when I don't want it to.

There's that quote (maybe by Robert Frost) of "the more things change, the more things stay the same." I never understood that paradox...what the fuck does that even mean? Change is change and constancy is constancy, end of story. I feel change comes sometimes involuntarily, or sometimes because you will it and act for it. But when it comes we should all embrace it; too often have I lamented the past and the way things were (I still do; I'm human) but it's just pointless: the past probably won't come back, and if it does, we wish something was different about it anyway, for we are rarely satisfied with our present. I mean, who knows if my "changing" senior year will last? I might just revert back to how things used to be in previous years, back into the comfort zone after venturing out for a couple of weeks. I'm hoping it will be different this time, though. I'm ready to embrace change in more ways than one, what with the new election coming up and both candidates throwing that word around like it's gold (which it is, to be honest). Change is so powerful (and also too often discussed in my blog) and can alter so many things, and eventually change will come to be good even with rocky starts.

I believe in a lot of things: that Palin is going to be a shit president if she happens to become one, that guilty pleasures don't exist, that Chinese Democracy won't even be that great if it ever comes out, and that change is the single most amazing thing about life (Well, and love, but I don't have much firsthand experience in that, so...)