if the world is ending, i'm throwing the party.

Sporadic updates-get used to it. Senior year is busier than I thought, or maybe I’m just being lazy about the blog. (Though somehow, I manage to check if I get comments everyday—and I haven’t). Senioritis has hit in particular subjects, notably calculus and physics. I don’t really care that the derivative of the velocity function is acceleration, and that acceleration can mean deceleration also. That’s very nice to know; however, I’d rather know about Jenny Lewis’s album dropping on my birthday, or about the new sale at Forever 21. Fucked up priorities, maybe, but I’m me. Thankfully, I like most of my classes and haven’t gotten the sleep attack all the time yet (must be the caffeine every morning).

Even so, I miss certain things about last year. Don’t get me wrong, I love this year so far, and the new people brought with it. But there was something about junior year—getting up every morning for zero period, sitting in those same Lecture Hall seats, mumbling “that’s what she said” jokes. Or spending support period with the same people everyday, wasting away a good 45 minutes talking about random things. Just the constancy of junior year and knowing that things (for the year at least) would remain the same was comforting. But then summer wiped away the routines and brought the change, and here I am a good few weeks into senior year, lamenting change. Change, a word I wholeheartedly love yet am turning away from, unlike the entry right below this. Yes, some things about this year are just so, so much better than the last, but not knowing what the next week or month will bring is unsettling.

It worries me—if I can’t deal with some minor changes here and there that came to me senior year, how am I going to cope with the overhaul of a new city, a new school, and a whole new pack of friends in college? Could it be, that after all these years (and entries) about wanting college, craving college, whining about not being in college…that I could be scared for college? That maybe change is something to be feared sometimes, because it creeps up unexpectedly and blows away the entire groundwork, so the next minute or hour is dripping with suspense? Maybe I am like every other senior after all, a contradictory bundle of emotions craving to get out of here but crying those tears at graduation, sad to leave it all behind.

But whether or not I want senior year to slow down or speed up, time is time—the one unit that never changes, something I cannot accelerate or decelerate on my own will. And the end of high school is coming, with each tick that my clock quietly chirps in my room. Maybe I want senior year to end right now—and so what? All I can do is lead this year to the end and make it as non-shitty as possible. Or maybe I want to prolong this year to my advantage, and make the best of everything this place has to offer. Either way, I’m welcoming senior year officially. 12th grade, the last numerical grade—I embrace you.