A two-week fast from my blog...I did miss you. So many things are different from the last entry; namely, I've started school (applause applause). Everyone was right; first semester senior year is probably going to blow and be just like junior year. The senioritis has subsided a bit from last year's end of the year fiasco, but I'm sure it will creep its way back into my life in no time. College apps are taunting me, saying "Look at me, bitch, I'm due November 1, so DO ME." (Yeah yeah that's what she said). i hope these "life-changing" college decisions I'm making will hopefully be the right ones. But in the end, I don't think it will make the hugest difference.First day of senior year, I already despised it. Everything was just so different from the security I felt in junior year, knowing my place and where I stood with the people who mattered to me most. Now there are more choices: there are the obvious ones like, On campus or off campus? Gelsons or Commons? This group or that group? And deeper ones, like Are they even worth it? Why was I ever so torn up over people I didn't even care about? Let me just take a break to say that I think the ban on ending sentences with a preposition is fucking bullshit. Google it. Seriously, does anyone provide a valid reason why this rule exists? The reason is because is redundant, anyways is just not a word, but this rule is just petty and dumb. /nerd Over this long, three-day weekend, even as more and more shit popped up, I'm thinking...why did everything mean so much to me, and why did I overanalyze the dumbest things and take everything personally? And why did I even let these people get to me?
I'm not going to go out on a limb and say I'm more chill, because I'm not, not really. It just occurred to me that it isn't the end of my life if some people aren't a big part of my life anymore. There are other people in this world, in this high school, that I never even registered or realized until I took myself out of the own little bubble I'd been in for so long. Maybe I'm just getting started early on this whole "meeting new people" thing, or the "getting closer to people who've been there all along but you never really talked to" aspect too. Or maybe it's the nonacademic senioritis sneaking up onto me, in a different form. But the best maybe is that maybe it's just me changing, letting go of some of the stupid whiny shit I always wrote about in my journal, because they really no longer matter if/when I don't want it to.
There's that quote (maybe by Robert Frost) of "the more things change, the more things stay the same." I never understood that paradox...what the fuck does that even mean? Change is change and constancy is constancy, end of story. I feel change comes sometimes involuntarily, or sometimes because you will it and act for it. But when it comes we should all embrace it; too often have I lamented the past and the way things were (I still do; I'm human) but it's just pointless: the past probably won't come back, and if it does, we wish something was different about it anyway, for we are rarely satisfied with our present. I mean, who knows if my "changing" senior year will last? I might just revert back to how things used to be in previous years, back into the comfort zone after venturing out for a couple of weeks. I'm hoping it will be different this time, though. I'm ready to embrace change in more ways than one, what with the new election coming up and both candidates throwing that word around like it's gold (which it is, to be honest). Change is so powerful (and also too often discussed in my blog) and can alter so many things, and eventually change will come to be good even with rocky starts.
I believe in a lot of things: that Palin is going to be a shit president if she happens to become one, that guilty pleasures don't exist, that Chinese Democracy won't even be that great if it ever comes out, and that change is the single most amazing thing about life (Well, and love, but I don't have much firsthand experience in that, so...)
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