they call me quiet girl, but i'm a riot.

It's been a little over a year since I started this particular blog. This was an experiment launched for three reasons:
1. GJ failed on us, and the transition to LJ was boring.
2. the Blogger layout was really appealing.
3. Blogger is public, which was probably the most attractive quality about this blog. The fact that everyone could read it, and everyone might read it, or at the very least, I could write with everyone in mind instead of the regular two or three people I usually write for.

So that's how this old thing was born. I made it one of my endless New Year's Resolutions to update regularly, which happened most of the time (except when finals and APs came along).
So after a year of posting random entries with a random lyric as a title and a random photograph to accompany it, I've discovered that good things do happen. Things do change, and not just circumstances or friends made and gone. Here's what I've realized this year...

1. I may not be that open in person, but Jesus Christ, I have no censor when I'm telling the Internet things about myself. It's something I never realized entry-to-entry, since I just type what I'm thinking and then move on. But the fact I can be so shameless while typing away in this window still amazes me.
2. More people read this than I thought. I couldn't count how many conversations this year have started with "OMG, I read your blog the other day!" I even wrote one entry with someone in mind and that person brought it up the next day, saying that they "could totally relate." Major laughs.
3. This thing actually helps when I'm in an incredibly shitty mood and I write about it. It's not so much the sporadic, sympathetic comments, nor the thrill of having it out in the open for all to potentially read, but just the fact that these thoughts in my brain have articulated themselves into concrete words. And surprisingly, I like this blog the most out of any that I've had (actually, it's probably on par with GJ...RIP).

Needless to say, I am obviously going to shoot for another yearlong stint with this blog, probably bitching about how unfair college admissions are or talking about my new Jonas Brothers replacement. And who knows? I'm not promising anything. I don't know if I'll suddenly stop writing in this because I don't feel the need to, or if I'm going to update a whole lot more because my insecurity level increased tenfold. I don't really want to know right now either.

Which brings me to my next point...2009 is almost here, and my usual tradition of having a huge list of resolutions would accompany this post. Usually I'd have a ginormous numbered list of how I need to speak up, care more, stop procrastinating, do this, do that...but this year, fuck that. I pretty much have the same resolutions year after year, which is kind of dumb. If the resolutions were working, I wouldn't need any repeats, would I? So, I've decided to only have one solitary resolution this year, one I really want to keep.

1. Accept the present.

Too many times this year I've been stuck in the past, wanting things the way they used to be. I would be stuck in my hopes for the future, hoping things would turn out a particular way to benefit me. But no more. I want to just embrace what comes, whether it's really good or really shitty. Maybe I'll whine and bitch for a little, but I don't want to think that anything is the be all and end all of my life, because it's not. So really, I want to keep in mind: Shit happens. Deal with it.

So there's the end of that. No want of change or anything on my list this year, because honestly, I could care less about being a perfect archetype of the most lovable person right now. Maybe my current opinion about change will change in the near future, but again, I'll deal with that when it comes.

the SEVENTEEN albums of 2008.

I know last year I went for only ten, but this year I have that plus five honorable mentions, and two others that would lower my cred if it went in my actual list. Just kidding...kind of. So here we go, in order (although I'm going to be tempted to rearrange these over and over)! Not the newspaper's favorite albums of the year, but legitimately mine this time.

THE TOP TEN:
Vampire Weekend-Vampire Weekend. I feel like this album came out years ago, probably because I heard most of this album just as 2008 was sprouting its tiny legs. But no matter how many times I play "Oxford Comma" over and over, these songs honestly never get old. All the African, French classical, whatever influences this band has, I love it all. Vampire Weekend, please bestow a new album for us all during 2009. If it's anything at all like "Ottoman" I will love you for life. Not that I don't already...how could I not love a band that has its lead singer don a Ralph Lauren dog-embroidered sweater?

Of Montreal-Skeletal Lamping. Haters to the left. I've been stuck in this sex-crazed wild party that Kevin Barnes is hosting ever since I got this album. So many of the lyrics are clever, or random, or just plain insane, which I totally dig. Songs like "For Our Elegant Caste" get stuck in my head, but I can't exactly go around singing "we can do it softcore if you want" without getting strange looks. No big deal, I'll just privately dance in my car like I usually do. Just know this, Of Montreal: I can't help if it's true, I just want to play with you.

Fleet Foxes-Fleet Foxes. If I wanted to be completely uncreative and lazy, I could just copy what I wrote for the paper, but I won't since Fleet Foxes is that worth it. I feel like I uncovered my Band of Horses of 2008, although they do have their differences. I want to hear this album forever while I'm out in the woods, toasting marshmallows around a campfire. "White Water Hymnal" makes me drool every time I play it because of its fabulous harmonies.

M83-Saturdays=Youth. I feel like a cheater to put this on my list, because I only got this album last week or so. But seriously, I've been playing it so many times and the songs are so legit. They're dreamy, they're ethereal, they're super synthesized, whatever--I totally understand why this album is on every blog's top 10. It's going to be one of those things that when I look back to this post next April, I'll say "Wow! I totally would've put that at #1 since I love it even more now." Here's to M83.

Lady Gaga-The Fame. Lady Gaga is so easy to write about, since this album seriously was the soundtrack of my summer. Some songs are not super amazing, but the latter half makes up for all of it tenfold. You may only know "Just Dance" and "Poker Face," or maybe a couple more thanks to Gossip Girl, but it's straight up fact that 1) Lady Gaga dresses weirder than Bjork and 2) her dance songs are amazing. Fuck Britney Spears: she may have one or two good singles, but Lady Gaga wrote them. Take that.

Jack's Mannequin-The Glass Passenger. Oh, Andrew McMahon. We all waited and waited for your sophomore album, and you delivered not only that, but some spectacular EPs to go with it. And wow, your album is amazing. People might think you're overrated but as a huge SoCo fan, I will never get over you. I can't even list songs because I really dig all of them (okay, I really really like "Orphans" and "Caves.") Please, Andrew, can you marry your piano? The two of you are so fierce.

Anthony Green-Avalon. Circa Survive is bomb. So is The Sounds of Animals Fighting. But Anthony Green is at his prime when he's all alone, singing these acoustic songs that are catchy as hell. I loved "Drugdealer" ever since he sang it at SXSW last year, and it's even better polished and produced. And how could this album be even better? Colin Frangicetto of Circa Survive remixed the whole damn thing! God loves me so.

Santogold-Santogold. I stumbled upon Santogold totally by chance. Browsing my usual downloading website of choice, here flashed a trippy two-song EP cover advertising Santogold, saying I'd love her if I dug M.I.A. The huge Arular fan that I am, I downloaded it and man, I loved it. Hearing more random songs, especially the "You'll Find A Way (Switch and Graeme Sinden Remix)" solidified my love. By the time the rest of the blogosphere caught on, I kind of forgot all about Santogold but revisiting 2008 albums, of course, I could never forget the craziness that is this album.

Lil' Wayne-Tha Carter III. Wow. In the misogynistic, radio hit land of hip-hop and rap, it was for sure Lil' Wayne's year. I can't even count how many "call me so I can make it juicy for ya" or "bitch, I'm the bomb like tick tick" bumper stickers I got. Or that one time I was waiting in line at Six Flags and these 30-year-olds were dancing to Lil' Wayne creeping out of their phone. This man simply cannot be escaped and honestly, I wouldn't want to be. Now excuse me while I listen to "Mr. Carter" for the 10th time today.

Lykke Li-Youth Novels. Lykke Li's face sort of bothers me, but regardless of that I LOVE this album. Her distinctive Swedish voice and sweet electropop will entice anyone (or at least girls) into her charm. The music video for "I'm Good, I'm Gone" is hypnotic and one of my favorites this year (maybe because it was free on iTunes, so it permanently lives in my iPod), as is the song itself. 3OH!3's remix and Friendly Fires' cover of the same song are just as amusing and fascinating.

THE HONORABLE MENTIONS:
MGMT-Oracular Spectacular. I know you're all wondering, "How in the world could she possibly put MGMT in the honorable mentions?!" Because, simply put, I only reallllly love the first five songs and all the rest kind of fade to the back of my mind, never to be recalled again. Of course "Electric Feel" is amazing and catchy as shit. Of course I know all the words to "Kids"; of course "Time To Pretend" is my jam. Of course I fucking love MGMT. Now stop questioning me.

The Academy Is...-Fast Times At Barrington High. Like the judgmental fans we are, not many TAI fans liked Santi. It wasn't the Almost Here we were all used to and in love with. So for their third endeavor, William Beckett threw a big pop-punk gem in our faces. Okay, got the picture. At first this album was also a bit disappointing, especially "His Girl Friday" which was as cliche and stupid as cookie-cutter songs come. But looking at my iTunes, I've played this album an inexplicable number of times, and I really really like every other song. Congratulations, TAI, you pleased me.

Lenka-Lenka. I won't lie, Teen Vogue has been introducing me to some killer bands this year, like Chester French and yours truly, Lenka. Okay, so her music not be that off-kilter or original, but something about "Skipalong" and "The Show" made me have a aural epiphany and go to heaven. Plus, if you're the type of person who would like Lenka in the first place, the entire album is pretty much in the same vein, i.e. spectacular.

She & Him-Volume One. Zooey Deschanel and M. Ward. Could they be any more well-paired? This album is kitschy, a throwback to the 40s or 50s or whatever era. "Change Is Hard" is hands down one of the best songs, ever, and I adore the banjo that Zooey plays throughout the album. Seriously, my girl crush for this woman is growing by the second. Anxiously waiting for Volume Two...

Girl Talk-Feed The Animals. This album was free. Legally, totally free. Thanks Greg Gillis, you're the bomb. This album was also fabulous, with more of the same seamless mash-ups, stuffing Kanye West, Radiohead, and Ben Folds Five in less than a minute. So yes, I should've totally loved this album. It should've been in the top 10. But all I could think whenever I listened to it was "Night Ripper was better, catchier, more amazing." So there it goes...

WHAT I WOULD CALL GUILTY PLEASURES, IF I BELIEVED IN THEM:
Taylor Swift-Fearless. It scares me how much I love this album. As a standard Jonas Brothers fan I used to love to hate Taylor Swift, but honestly screw the Jonas Brothers and bring on the Taylor love. I don't care if the lyrics are childish or talk about Romeo and Juliet, or if she is labelled country. In fact, I'm not even hearing your digs at Taylor Swift since I'm too busy blasting "Hey Stephen." I guess some part everyone's criticism is well-deserved, though, because I know if I didn't care this album would be number 3...which is kind of pathetic, even on my part.

Akon-Freedom. This time last year I would have thought that T-Pain would be in this category, or somewhere on this list. But Thr33 Ringz was horrible (and horribly spelled...are we trying to resurrect some "Sk8er Boi" spelling or some shit?) and Freedom stole my hip-hop heart. "Beautiful" makes me excited whenever I hear it on the radio, and "Keep You Much Longer" is fucking great. Thanks, Akon, for being the runaway hit of radio hits (which doesn't mean much to me, but matters to those millions of top 40 listeners).

So that completes 2008...a decent music year, I must say. Here's to hoping that 2009 is even better...

come on mood shift, shift back to good again.

Too many times I have wished for change, and too many times I have wished to stop seeking it. Too many times I have wished to not be so many negative qualities that I see myself being. And too many times I have told myself: this is who I am and I need to accept that, whatever bad and good I have in me. But for the first time, right now, I realize this whole battle is pointless. It is circular, it will never end, and always I will be beating myself up for certain reasons, than beating myself up again for doing so. Never will I actually be content with whatever state I'm in, with whatever I wish to be. Society tells you, you should be happy where you are, and that whatever happens is for the best, and everything will turn out alright in the end. I don't see the need for these trivial consolations. Do they ever even mean anything? Do we ever believe it when we're told once, or even when we're told multiple times that we'll be alright, that things will pass, to stop worrying...do we ever really believe that? Of course, we all know a bad situation will come to pass. That happiness is just around the corner (just typing it sounds so cliché). It's never a matter of "Will things get better?" The question is more, "When will it happen? How long do I have to suffer until these things subside?"

Maybe this is just me, but truthfully I think there is some part in all of us that likes to sulk, that enjoys being miserable at least for a little while. Happiness is annoying, in some ways: there is that little innate part of us (or me, because maybe I am just cynical because I have all these bad qualities that I think all humans have) that is jealous of others' happiness, no matter how much we repeat to ourselves that they deserve it. Sadness on the other hand is easy to relate to, and although hard to comfort and console, most friends are willing to be there when you're down. Really, success is harder to truly congratulate (besides an offhand word), unless of course you already have everything you want. In that case, good for you. And we all know what tone of voice I'd say that in.

This entry, anyway, started out with me wishing my priorities were different. That I didn't care so much about certain things, so that when I got them I would be doubly happy about it. That I almost wish I weren't me anymore, and that so many things about myself that people would naturally characterize as the "essence" of me are things I would love to get rid of. That sarcasm, the cynicism, the lack of enthusiasm for almost anything...right, it might be funny initially, but I am too hard to crack. No one really thinks its worth the effort to find out what's underneath, beneath the (relatively) cold exterior that I display (relatively) proudly. It isn't even that; most people think I'm just a bitch in general. And maybe I am. Maybe I'm just saying all these interior/exterior theories so that I can someone humanize myself, but maybe it is just that I am that bad of a person, plain and simple.

So many times I wish I could connect with certain people, the ones who really like Fleet Foxes with me or the ones who would appreciate the same humor, feel the same way about certain scenarios, and all these other things. But every time after I wish that, I realize that there probably are a lot of people out there, and that most of these people are really friendly and outgoing and fun to be around, and since I am none of those characteristics I am just tossed aside. I also realize that this is a really passive outlook, and maybe it is just that I am not trying enough. But it raises another question: Why do I even have to be trying? Is it just a rote characteristic that everyone loves, the ability to be confident, to be ridiculous in front of others and then have the shamelessness to laugh it off, the skill to connect with someone really easily and to be personable? Why do I have to be all those things, and also, why is it that almost every single person I know seems to possess those qualities?

Bottom line is, no matter how many times I wish to change and however many times I then tell myself I don't need to, it all doesn't really matter because I can't seem to, anyway. I will most likely be stuck being this...less of a human being. I will be stuck as a person whose humor involves being mean and rude to the people she loves the most, so much so that people really think she is that cruel. And again, maybe I am and I don't even realize it. I will be stuck as a person who sulks in the corner, who finds herself jealous of even her friends' successes, and who will pretty much never be content where she is. I will be the person that people only compliment because of her sheer mastery of sarcasm or microinequities, never a person that people call kind or helpful or altruistic, and least of all never outgoing or confident or friendly. And most importantly, I will never stop being a self-deprecating person. Someone that wants people to be sorry for her. Someone who feeds off pity, then gets angry that pity's all she can get. Someone who, no matter how many times she repeats it to herself that it's not the case, can not find any good thing about herself.

I could be exaggerating, I could be warranting a pity party, but this is honestly how I feel.