Too many times I have wished for change, and too many times I have wished to stop seeking it. Too many times I have wished to not be so many negative qualities that I see myself being. And too many times I have told myself: this is who I am and I need to accept that, whatever bad and good I have in me. But for the first time, right now, I realize this whole battle is pointless. It is circular, it will never end, and always I will be beating myself up for certain reasons, than beating myself up again for doing so. Never will I actually be content with whatever state I'm in, with whatever I wish to be. Society tells you, you should be happy where you are, and that whatever happens is for the best, and everything will turn out alright in the end. I don't see the need for these trivial consolations. Do they ever even mean anything? Do we ever believe it when we're told once, or even when we're told multiple times that we'll be alright, that things will pass, to stop worrying...do we ever really believe that? Of course, we all know a bad situation will come to pass. That happiness is just around the corner (just typing it sounds so cliché). It's never a matter of "Will things get better?" The question is more, "When will it happen? How long do I have to suffer until these things subside?"Maybe this is just me, but truthfully I think there is some part in all of us that likes to sulk, that enjoys being miserable at least for a little while. Happiness is annoying, in some ways: there is that little innate part of us (or me, because maybe I am just cynical because I have all these bad qualities that I think all humans have) that is jealous of others' happiness, no matter how much we repeat to ourselves that they deserve it. Sadness on the other hand is easy to relate to, and although hard to comfort and console, most friends are willing to be there when you're down. Really, success is harder to truly congratulate (besides an offhand word), unless of course you already have everything you want. In that case, good for you. And we all know what tone of voice I'd say that in.
This entry, anyway, started out with me wishing my priorities were different. That I didn't care so much about certain things, so that when I got them I would be doubly happy about it. That I almost wish I weren't me anymore, and that so many things about myself that people would naturally characterize as the "essence" of me are things I would love to get rid of. That sarcasm, the cynicism, the lack of enthusiasm for almost anything...right, it might be funny initially, but I am too hard to crack. No one really thinks its worth the effort to find out what's underneath, beneath the (relatively) cold exterior that I display (relatively) proudly. It isn't even that; most people think I'm just a bitch in general. And maybe I am. Maybe I'm just saying all these interior/exterior theories so that I can someone humanize myself, but maybe it is just that I am that bad of a person, plain and simple.
So many times I wish I could connect with certain people, the ones who really like Fleet Foxes with me or the ones who would appreciate the same humor, feel the same way about certain scenarios, and all these other things. But every time after I wish that, I realize that there probably are a lot of people out there, and that most of these people are really friendly and outgoing and fun to be around, and since I am none of those characteristics I am just tossed aside. I also realize that this is a really passive outlook, and maybe it is just that I am not trying enough. But it raises another question: Why do I even have to be trying? Is it just a rote characteristic that everyone loves, the ability to be confident, to be ridiculous in front of others and then have the shamelessness to laugh it off, the skill to connect with someone really easily and to be personable? Why do I have to be all those things, and also, why is it that almost every single person I know seems to possess those qualities?
Bottom line is, no matter how many times I wish to change and however many times I then tell myself I don't need to, it all doesn't really matter because I can't seem to, anyway. I will most likely be stuck being this...less of a human being. I will be stuck as a person whose humor involves being mean and rude to the people she loves the most, so much so that people really think she is that cruel. And again, maybe I am and I don't even realize it. I will be stuck as a person who sulks in the corner, who finds herself jealous of even her friends' successes, and who will pretty much never be content where she is. I will be the person that people only compliment because of her sheer mastery of sarcasm or microinequities, never a person that people call kind or helpful or altruistic, and least of all never outgoing or confident or friendly. And most importantly, I will never stop being a self-deprecating person. Someone that wants people to be sorry for her. Someone who feeds off pity, then gets angry that pity's all she can get. Someone who, no matter how many times she repeats it to herself that it's not the case, can not find any good thing about herself.
I could be exaggerating, I could be warranting a pity party, but this is honestly how I feel.
2 comments:
I know it won't necessarily change how you feel if I say something, but even if you believe everyone else is better at being personable and outgoing, it is not true. I always feel some jealousy toward others because I only see what they are good at and what I am bad at doing. For instance, I read your blog and I am incredibly envious of your ability to write what you are feeling. I can never put my thoughts and emotions into coherent words. Your writing is so thought provoking and rings so true with me. Your comments on others' success is exactly what I feel; I pretend to be happy for them, but inside I don't understand why things work for them and not for me. Anyway, I hope your mood shifts back to good soon! And try not to get too down on yourself.
I'm not absolutely sure how this comment is going to turn out, since I really don't have the ability to put my thoughts into words, as you obviously can.
I'll let you know that this is not my pity speaking, and that this is my true opinion of who you are.
Carolyn, I truly want you to be happy with yourself. I know you have this hard exterior on you, that sarcastic, cynical one that many people might see. But I can tell you that I've seen much more than that. You are thoughtful and you can take an an emotion and weave words into it. I can completely relate to what you say, and it makes me more comfortable to know that there is someone who feels almost like I do. Your creativeness has always insprired me, and I've always envied your vast music taste, your fashion, your knowledge about art, photography, ect. To be honest, you've helped me become more creative and more interested in a wider variety of things.
So here's where I'm going with this. You may look at others and envy their self-confidence or their ability to walk into a crowd and capture everyones attention, but do know that there are people who look at you with envy as well. It's human nature to look at someone and see what you aren't, everyone does it, unless they are really that full of themselves.
Anyway, I love you, and i hope you feel better soon <3
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