as the morning sun begins to rise, we're fading fast.

Haven't uploaded since god knows when...two weeks or so? And I'm not even on my own computer...there should be better things to do at the hospital volunteering than uploading my blog but so it goes. I'm unproductive everywhere I go. I'm not really sure why I even started this entry. What do I even have to talk about, besides still not having seen The Dark Knight? Yeah yeah I know it's the shit but by the time I realized I needed to see this movie ASAP, everyone already had...but no worries, amigos, I will see it eventually. I did however see Anchorman, finally...Jesus Christ Paul Rudd is my favorite; I'm in love with him. The movie was full of LOLs, of course, but I don't think those kinds of movies are the funniest for me. I guess it's the wry, subtle humor that gets me more. Or The Whitest Kids U Know...

Senioritis is hitting me even harder...I know that I keep talking about this but it's really all that's on my mind lately, besides being really fucking disappointed by the six hour wait for the American Apparel sale. I've realized the usefulness of this blog because people actually read this, as opposed to 2 people on LJ who already know all my ~inner emotions. But I just feel that barely any of my friends really understand me. I think they get the basics but everytime I'm just left wanting more...new people who are more similar to me (music-wise especially, cause that's a big deal haha) and don't always get on my ass for being ~quiet, and understand why I act the way I do when I do. I think I've spent all this year looking for funner people and then I come to realize that the people I want to be friends with most were right there all along...if that makes any sense. But in the end even that's not enough...I just want to fucking be in college already. I will repeat that sentence at least 10000 times this year, no lie.

I think now's a good time as any to talk about how I think I've changed...maybe it's just me, but I think I've become a little more who I want to be, rather than that shy mute girl in the corner that I was in middle school. I really don't know what it was that did it, nor do I really care, but I'm really grateful. I think around the people I've known since middle school, or people I've gotten to know through those people, I still act in that way...being reserved, keeping to myself, that type of thing. But it's when I meet new people that I really like the new me. It's not always, it's just sometimes, but it's a right step. And as cheesy and cliche as this sounds, it's really how I perceive myself that matters, and the rest will fall into place when I see it. These past three or four years I've been degrading myself constantly, saying how I'm not confident, I'm not open, I'm not fun, I'm not so many of these adjectives I always wanted to be. But who's stopping me from being any of those things? The worst enemy I have is myself, and I think I'm beginning to come to terms with that enemy. I hope it lasts.

I've started a new yellow notebook, not that that fact has any significance in your life...but it just felt like something worth mentioning. After going on some college forum I feel like even early decisioning to __________ won't get me in...but that's depressing to talk about, and totally contradicts my last paragraph, so I'll tell myself to stfu. Speaking of which, I've become an acronym lover. Oh yes. And last of all, one more month until senior year. We'll see how this goes.

i'm not gonna waste these words about a girl.

Sometimes you are so engulfed in your own problems, you turn a blind eye to those surrounding you. You don't acknowledge that something's bothering them, that something's wrong, and that you could fix it. And then when you learn, sometimes you still don't care...at least, not enough to put the effort into reaching out and helping out. What kind of monster have I become? And when? The worst part is, as much as I feel guilty about turning a blind eye, it's still not enough to make me overcome and reach out. And yet the guilt still pours... Yes, I'm probably making a big deal out of nothing, but how severe does the problem have to be for me to care enough to do something about it? Does it really satisfy me to just sit on my ass and do everything for myself, only? At what point will I stop being a selfish bitch and actually show compassion for others?

I always act like the pity party, that I have all this shit going on, that there are numerous things everyone doesn't like about me, blah blah blah...feel bad for me. But at rare times when I look up to see what's going on, what everyone else is involved in, it's when moments of clarity hit: that there is more to life than just me. It's not all about self-satisfaction; sure, you could live your life that way and have a pretty fulfilling life, but what about love? How can you expect love and care from others if you don't give it in return...or not even in return? And what's the point of being human, of being alive, without love?

This isn't going to be the greatest transition, from the past two paragraphs to omg! what music has carolyn been listening to? but I tried my best (not really). I adore Tuesdays, when the albums drop in stores, in iTunes, and in various downloading sites if they hadn't already been leaked. New Jonas Brothers single "Pushin' Me Away"? Yes, sir. Some other random hip-hop songs found their way to my iTunes late last night/early this morning, all fairly decent. Let's not forget the new Academy Is... single. Not horrible, better than Santi, but I must admit, I don't think they're ever going to reach the all-time high of Almost Here. And of course, My American Heart...they're definitely not new, but they've been flooding my last.fm charts ever since I saw their live show the other day. I don't really know what it was, because I thought they kind of blew after their first song, but I guess it was "Tired and Uninspired" that changed my opinion of them. If there's one thing you get out of this entry, it's to go download that song. Now. And I leave with you that...this has gone long enough.

oh, the brilliant mistakes that you seem to make.

Mint chocolate chip ice cream is so delicious. Ice cream seems to be better coming out of a box instead of a carton...maybe because it's harder to freeze? Anyway, the ice cream that is living inside of my freezer right now is perfectly soft and melts in my mouth. Mmmm. Ice cream. Food is so satisfying, even though it is pretty fleeting. I always used to wonder why people paid so much for food when they could eat just enough for sustenance, then use their leftover money for things like clothes (ha). But food just uplifts you and you alone, if only for those minutes that you're eating it. Just imagining the chicken masala from Shalimar is making my mouth water. See, clothes are also satisfying (for certain people), but it's when you get compliments from others that it feels the best. Food, it's all your own. It's just...easier to be happy with food. True, not extremely satisfying and pretty short-lived, but takes absolutely no effort (except a few dollar bills).

Increasingly now I've come to realize that fun times come rarely from the place or event itself, but who you're with and how you feel that day. I know it sounds obvious, but so often lately I've been going to places that would potentially be fun, and somewhat are, but not as fun as it would have been if this or that person were with me. And of course that number of people is so low, and there's not just one person who could accompany me everywhere and I'd have fun. And you know, it's not so much about that person being fun. It's more about who brings out my hidden fun side? Because honestly, I'm not much fun normally, all reasons having to do with being self-conscious. I know I could be so much more than what I usually show, but only around the right people. And I really wish there were more of those people around.

More people, new people, fun people...it just makes me crave college more and more. All the outgoing seniors are switching their Facebook networks to their new homes, finding out their roommates, shopping for dorms, signing up for classes, and more along that line...and it's just making me so jealous. When, when, when is it our turn? How can I possibly already be getting senioritis, and I haven't even started the year? I'm asking the world, can I just find out where I'm going to college already? and I haven't even applied yet (oh dear). Really, these past few years have been great, but not as great as they could have been (see aforementioned paragraph). I could have been better, nicer, maybe break out of this shell, more than I already have. I could have lived without regrets; I could have taken chances; I could have met so many people...but the past is the past, so I guess I'm looking out to the future. I guess technically I should be thinking of the present, but what more could I possibly do now? It's been three years. I've met (almost) everyone I need to. At this point, it's just I want out.

I'm also realizing how much my attitude is changing since that "senioritis" entry I wrote before. Is this what being an (almost) senior means?

i know we suffer for fashion or whatever.

This entry will be a little bit different from the usual...I started browsing el internet for fashion inspiration, because after going through my closet I have "no clothes." (Yeah, I'm being a whiny little girl who has tons of clothes in her closet but complains that she has "nothing to wear".) Oh, sweet jesus, do I have a lot to learn about fashion sense...so here we go!

Natasha Khan of Bat For Lashes. She has killer headbands (like the gold sequin one in the picture), ones I could hope I could pull off in my lifetime but probably can't, and has a natural gift for makeup. Yeah, it looks like she's straight out of a tribe with "face paint" but I think it looks pretty amazing. She is straight out of a fairytale, that creature. From feather headpieces to the best hair ever...or crazy earrings with crazy outfits all topped with a blue shadow over her entire eye...I think I have a girl crush. And did I mention her music is phenomenal?! Damn, hippie style is so awe-inspiring I kind of want to adopt it as my own. But then again, I think it's just my obsession with headbands...

Behold Zooey fucking Deschanel. The quirkiest indie actress (seen on Weeds! Ha!) with adorable eyes and better yet a totally unique style that I adore. She's paired a plaid scarf, funky dress, blue coat, and white heels all together to make one fabulous combo. The thing about her is, the outfits she wears would look like absolute shit if it were anybody else but she pulls it off with finesse. Like they say, she "owns it". This apparently was a "fugly" outfit on Go Fug Yourself, but I think it looks fabulous on her. Zooey is a tights master, wears the best heels, and has the cutest vintage dresses I've ever seen on a celebrity. I love her for not hiring a stylist and looking like a carbon copy of everyone else in Hollywood. Major props, Zooey!

And last but not least, Daisy Lowe,the model/DJ from Britain (and dating Mark Ronson!) I just noticed she looks uncannily skinny in that picture. Anyway, she's not so much an inspiration like the other two are, but I do dig her style. If only I had money to buy designer dresses, then I would look like her...but that's a long way coming. She wears tons of stripes and...actually, she looks really old in some photos. She definitely ventures out though, not just the typical minidress+leggings combo (okay, sometimes). I love this combo though, from the blouse to the adorable flouncy skirt and the really good heels (What is my sudden obsession with heels? I can't even walk in them.) Anyway there's Daisy Lowe for you. If you're digging the whole British socialite scene there's also Peaches and Pixie Geldof...but that's a whole other entry.

All this talk about fashion is making me want to totally revamp my wardrobe. Hopefully, and I think, that I'm going shopping tomorrow though! Here I am, revealing my inner girly girl to the world. I need to go thrift store hunting...and by thrift store, I mean usually-has-absolute-crap-but-occasionally-has-pure-gold kind of thrift store. Vintage store, totally different (in that they actually take more decent stuff, it goes out more quickly, and the prices? Way higher). What am I hunting for tomorrow? Tunics/dresses, obviously, maybe some funky tights, maybe a decent pair of shorts, mens' vests, cool headbands, and maybe I'll give in and get yet another pair of sunglasses...

you say it's chivalry, but it's jealousy.

The beginning of every year, I write around 13 to 14 resolutions. You know, the usual: get more self-esteem, work out, keep my friends, maintain my grades, still be me, blah blah. But I also went for a little something different: three themes to tackle that were my "trouble spots". And what were they? Jealousy, confidence, and honesty. They were the underlying problems to every single other problem I deemed I had. And midway through the year, I don't think I've "cured" any of them so far. But the first one in particular is becoming worse and worse everyday.

Jealousy. Considering the public nature of this blog I'm definitely not going to divulge too much into my main problem as of right now, but believe me. I need to get over myself, and get over the wish that the world is revolving around me. I seriously can't seem to stand one second of someone, somewhere not caring about me. Take plans for instance. I'm constantly being accused of "never being able to hang out" (believe me, not my fault), yet when people start slacking and start inviting me to things less and less I get so fucking jealous. It's stupid, and I get the fact that if I put in less, I'm definitely gonna get less. And yet I just keep wanting the best thing I've ever gotten from that person. I don't know how that's all making sense to you...but anyway.

I need to fucking get over it. Understand the fact that I can't have everything in this world, and to envy those of it that do seem to have everything is pointless because they probably don't have everything, and envying won't change a goddamn thing (except dampening your mood). But though I keep telling myself that, the voice is reduced to a small whisper in the back of my mind as the jealousy kicks in. Jealousy, feeling left out, self-pity, lack of confidence...all related in my mind.

On a totally different, lighter note...I finished Weeds! What a work of art...no, literally. The slurping of the iced beverages Nancy (and other characters) constantly do totally replicates a bong hit. And I can't believe it took me 38 episodes to realize that. The best part about Weeds? New episode every Monday to fixate my withdrawal symptoms. I'm on the edge of my seat as to what kind of bitch move Celia will do next week to rat out Nancy and get out of jail. Oh, and where the fuck is Conrad?! And last note, majorly loving Silas's new haircut...

To satisfy my sadness over the end of my Weeds marathon, I moved onto Daria. You know, remember the late '90s show about the cynical, sarcastic, deadpan high schooler who was "unpopular"? Had creepy parents and a "popular" sister, Quinn? Best friend Jane Lane, the artist? And, of course, the totally hot Trent Lane (by far the hottest cartoon ever created)? Ah man...I love Daria. It makes me think, who the hell cares about having all the right personality traits to make people like me? But then I remember that I don't have the guts, like Daria, to not care.