you say it's chivalry, but it's jealousy.

The beginning of every year, I write around 13 to 14 resolutions. You know, the usual: get more self-esteem, work out, keep my friends, maintain my grades, still be me, blah blah. But I also went for a little something different: three themes to tackle that were my "trouble spots". And what were they? Jealousy, confidence, and honesty. They were the underlying problems to every single other problem I deemed I had. And midway through the year, I don't think I've "cured" any of them so far. But the first one in particular is becoming worse and worse everyday.

Jealousy. Considering the public nature of this blog I'm definitely not going to divulge too much into my main problem as of right now, but believe me. I need to get over myself, and get over the wish that the world is revolving around me. I seriously can't seem to stand one second of someone, somewhere not caring about me. Take plans for instance. I'm constantly being accused of "never being able to hang out" (believe me, not my fault), yet when people start slacking and start inviting me to things less and less I get so fucking jealous. It's stupid, and I get the fact that if I put in less, I'm definitely gonna get less. And yet I just keep wanting the best thing I've ever gotten from that person. I don't know how that's all making sense to you...but anyway.

I need to fucking get over it. Understand the fact that I can't have everything in this world, and to envy those of it that do seem to have everything is pointless because they probably don't have everything, and envying won't change a goddamn thing (except dampening your mood). But though I keep telling myself that, the voice is reduced to a small whisper in the back of my mind as the jealousy kicks in. Jealousy, feeling left out, self-pity, lack of confidence...all related in my mind.

On a totally different, lighter note...I finished Weeds! What a work of art...no, literally. The slurping of the iced beverages Nancy (and other characters) constantly do totally replicates a bong hit. And I can't believe it took me 38 episodes to realize that. The best part about Weeds? New episode every Monday to fixate my withdrawal symptoms. I'm on the edge of my seat as to what kind of bitch move Celia will do next week to rat out Nancy and get out of jail. Oh, and where the fuck is Conrad?! And last note, majorly loving Silas's new haircut...

To satisfy my sadness over the end of my Weeds marathon, I moved onto Daria. You know, remember the late '90s show about the cynical, sarcastic, deadpan high schooler who was "unpopular"? Had creepy parents and a "popular" sister, Quinn? Best friend Jane Lane, the artist? And, of course, the totally hot Trent Lane (by far the hottest cartoon ever created)? Ah man...I love Daria. It makes me think, who the hell cares about having all the right personality traits to make people like me? But then I remember that I don't have the guts, like Daria, to not care.