The most used words of this blog.

we still got the taste dancing on our tongues.

First order of business: yes, I'm back. I've decided to use Salinger At Rest for my fashion and other random ramblings that are too mundane to go in here. And I don't even know what my Livejournal is for; I suppose for those times I need to rant about personal issues or obsess over G-Dragon (who is surprisingly being mentioned here and there for the #musicmonday trending topic...legit!) But I missed writing here, my high school past wishing for bigger and better things while I slaved away studying for APs or trying to go on Facebook while my mom thinks I'm writing my essay. I figure that now I'm finally here, the supposed good life, I might as well update everyone on how it's really turning out.

Well, the way I'm approaching schoolwork is pretty similar. Procrastinating till the very end, studying till the wee hours of night, and definitely getting distracted by my computer's beckoning call. But as every cheesy college experience goes, the several weeks I've been here I have met amazing people (namely, floormates-the dorms are just amazing for that) and I'm so excited to join magazines and other clubs. Of course, college isn't a perfect mecca where you show up and you automatically have a built in core group of friends that you'll love for the rest of your life. The classes aren't just the right dose of challenging, and the freshman 15? It does exist (though maybe not 15 pounds, I'm fucking gaining).

The first couple of days are a flurry of awkwardness, too many introductions and forgetting everyone's name within half a minute. There are ice cream socials and random meet-ups where you ask the typical what's your name/major/dorm questions. And those hot guys in your lecture? If they even do exist, there's no fucking way you'll get to talk to them unless they happen to be in your discussion section-and even then, good luck. College isn't perfect, which the 11th grader me should've known. But that same 16-year-old girl should know that college is pretty damn close to it.

There's freedom (too much of it, at times). No one's going to yell at you to do your homework, and no one's going to tell you to be back from the party by 1. You can stay up all night, eat cup noodles every fucking meal, and never be sober. But more than all that freedom, what I'm more grateful for is the maturity that instantly comes with college. Those instincts when you know that you shouldn't go out because you have a lot of reading to do. When you know not to start drama with a floormate only a few days into the year (or hook up with them, either). When you know to stock up on quarters because shit, laundry is expensive.

I feel another post coming later this week (but I don't know what about). The point was, life is pretty damn fabulous. And I'm hoping it gets even better.

TEMPORARILY MOVED: subtitles.tumblr.com

in five years' time, you might just prove me wrong.

Last year, this month would probably elicit an “it’s that time of year again” entry (in fact, it probably did, except I’m way too lazy to check). But unlike all those other times, this time is completely different. First of all, it’s complete winter weather in LA…in June. Excuse me, weather lord? But more importantly, it’s crazy to think that this is the end. This is the last time I’ll be furiously signing yearbooks, cramming every memory into a tiny white page while my marker squeaks and irritates classmates. This is the last time I’ll come home, sink into my bed, and read through people’s yearbook signings and reminisce.

And in just a week, I’ll experience the last day of school feeling for the last time. The freedom that came, the “what am I gonna do with myself for 2 and a half months? NOTHING!” feeling. But this time is going to end up a lot more bittersweet—yes, we have summer and ultimate freedom from high school (no more math class…EVER!), but when will we see the people we’ve grown up with for 12 years again? Possibly never? Even the people we shit talked and the people we occasionally brushed shoulders with in the hallways are people to get sentimental over.

Looking back to last year, I’m glad I didn’t get the friendship part of senioritis that many seniors seem to be attacked by. But I have to admit, it’s a little more painful now. Continuing and building friendships, all the way up until the last moment, until you realize things just won’t be as easy across the state or country. But I still have a little bit more time…right?

and you said, it was like fire around the brim.

i always visit my blog and feel sad that i haven't written in over a month. that being said, this entry has been long overdue. it's been procrastinated over and over by writer's block (mostly because anything burning on my mind goes toward column ideas), schoolwork (back when i cared), and major senioritis. but here i am, three hours before i take the eight hour drive to visit my future home for the next four years. with only seven days of school left, i've finally decided to sit down, lean back and type.

the surreality of it all occupies my mind the most. how did we already get here? i can understand how i'm already past being a freshman, a sophomore, and a junior, but senior year was the biggest blur. it seems like just yesterday that i was taking LA adventures with my friends last summer, and only a week ago that i glared in jealousy at all the seniors who were leaving for college. but now they've become me. we're gonna become those adults that we facebook stalked in jealousy, looking at how they adjusted to college life (err...well at least i did). and we are the ones right now, signing yearbooks, cramming every memory of our friendship in the span of a page, and listing off great friendship traits so they can look back and remember.

i don't want to forget. already, memories of elementary school and what happened with who are slipping out of my mind. i don't want to reach that point in college where i have to strain myself to remember my former best friend's name. high school was a great time, despite the countless nights spent at home studying for a dreaded final or AP. and i want to remember everything: the time i slipped on water in the hallway, all the freshman year parties, the time i attempted all you can eat sushi, that night i had a sleepover at my house and everyone was burning hot...i don't want to forget. and i'll make damn sure (tbs reference) that i won't.

for some time i thought this would be such a conflict of two lives, reflecting on one as if it's in the past and anticipating another coming up in the future. trying to remember all the great times of high school while planning college classes and meeting new friends on facebook and at orientation. but like the multitasker i am, i'm ready to live in both worlds. skypeing and ichatting my friends back home, scattered across the country, and then crawling out of my triple room to hit up yogurt park. maybe it'll be hard. and i'm betting i'll be too lazy to keep in touch with a lot of my high school friends. but to the ones that matter most to me, i will never forget.

up and down but maybe this time, we'll get it right.

At the risk of sounding pompous, of course I've always known that drama isn't worth it. I don't really understand (at all) how people feed off of drama, or arguing, for that matter. Some people just can't seem to go through life without arguing and being contentious. Lately though, I'm more and more pleasantly surprised at the...well, pleasantness of everyone around me.

It feels as if as soon to be college students, we maybe know a little better than to invest so much time and energy into giving dirty glares or making snide remarks at those we despise. With a countdown of about 2 months (!) until the big graduation, I guess most of us have seemed to go through the same thought process as I have: "Wait...why do I even hate this person?" We get so caught up in the process of hating (which, to be honest, is a lot easier than unconditional love) that we start to forget our reasons in the first place. Ill will is gone from my vocabulary, and my bitchy moments are, well, handed out in equal portions to anyone and everyone alike.

Thinking about the progress of these past four years, things all start to make sense. Freshmen year, meeting new people, relatively little drama. Everyone in one big happy group, happy to go to the same party or eat lunch together. Sophomore year, we all start to split as we nitpick little character traits that we despise about one another. Junior year, as we pull our hair out from our overload of AP classes and SATs, the cattiness rages on until about right now, second semester senior year, when we either a) got smart enough to realize that cattiness is just overrated or b) we just don't care enough about high school drama anymore when college is in 5 (!) months.

Happily mulling over our transition and maturing makes me even more grateful for college than I was before. College, the magic word that got me through annoying times in high school. College, the reason I stayed in all those weekends in envy. College, the magic ingredient to our senior lives that really made it a relatively drama-free year. And even though 'college' is making me pull out my hair now in anguish, I am ever grateful that the one word (and all the hope invested into that word) has got me through all this.

let's pretend we don't exist, let's pretend we're in antarctica.

The time's finally come. Years and years of waiting for this moment, when the letters start flooding back in. The anticipation, the thrill that awaits while our shivering hands open the envelope or click on the "View" button. But it's a little surreal that the moment has come (or it will come in a matter of days), and I barely care. Of course it'd be nice to get into my dream school, whatever that may be (and I have no clue either). But at the same time, if I were rejected from every single place from here on out, that wouldn't be such a big deal for me either. Yes, of course I am just saying this because I'm already at my heart's content as to college acceptances and such. But I pictured a different me a year ago; I thought I would be a nervous senior dreading these days that I'm in. Yet, it seems to be more of a heart-pounding anticipation for .005 seconds, immediately followed by a "whatever."

I don't know, for me right now, just being at a college would be so satisfying. I always thought the necessity of actual critical thinking would deem me an automatic failure after high school, but this doesn't seem to really hold true. Maybe I'm being an idealist in my own little world, but it really does seem that college will be the mecca of everything, at least to me. And yet there are still those feelings I didn't think I would have, those strands of me still connected to high school and the people in it, the part of me I forgot about last year but a very integral part that I can't even begin to imagine not having.

But hey, I'm still in high school.

with a little sweet and simple numbing me.

Human behavior is too much for me to handle. Are things really in my control? If I'm aware that I am acting a certain way, do I really have the power to stop it? If I crave to be someone else, is that possible with "willpower" and "ambition"? Or are we stuck as who we are, molded with traits that we can never come out of? In my observations, I suppose changing yourself is completely possible with such concepts like "goals" and "will" (foreign words, frankly, for me). It must be a process where you try so hard to be the perfect self that eventually, you adopt those qualities into your personality. For me, the general trend is that I am a bit too apathetic (or lazy) to care about what I should be like. So it seems to be a more natural progression. A slight change from day to day that you yourself never notice, but a change that is very obvious looking back.

I must be struck with a case of writers block. I've glanced at my blog a couple times this past February and was really disappointed at how bad the past few entries have been. Very rambling and quite boring, to say the least. In all honesty, none of my writing has been good lately, and I'm not acting modest here. I read things that I've written two years ago and am amazed that my less mature self was more introspective and philosophical than my current self. It's not something I'm really focusing on or caring about right now, but it's a pretty sad note.

Speaking of...how is it already March? This entire summer I thought senior year would be one hell ride where I would have the worst senioritis ever and all year long, I would just crave college continuously and somewhat alienate my friends. It seems that this whole scenario has been taken care of during first semester, and now that I'm 3 months away from graduation, I'm becoming the sentimental freak that I never imagined I would be (at least, that's what I'm becoming in my head). I honestly can't imagine not spending time with people I've been spending time with for the last 4 years, not being able to glance at someone when a certain "inside joke" song comes up...I know college will be amazing and all sorts, and I'm not dreading it in any way. But it does seem a bit surreal that there are only 3 months (or technically, 5-6 if you include summer) to spend with people I've grown up with all my life. Maybe I'll look back on this entry in a year and scoff at how stupid this paragraph seems. But right now, this is all I know.

in between the cover of another perfect wonder.

I always find it amusing to witness maturity in others, and even myself. It's pretty evident, reading old yearbooks, how different we sounded back then. What we cared about, or what we found funny. What we freaked out and created drama over. My memory is pretty shoddy, but old journal entries are just so embarrassing to read again. There are so many things where I think, "Wait...that was definitely a mistake." or "Wow, what a stupid, conceited thought to be thinking." But I guess mistakes were meant to be made in the end.

It's also interesting to wonder if I've been changing for the better, or for worse, or if this change is nothing at all except for the fact I just am more oblivious. I guess that in itself is a good thing. It's a little painful to read old entries, even on this, of how whiny I was. This is all the more amusing knowing that I will hit a rough spot and go through the same motions again, but hopefully this time I will look back on this particular date and get myself out of that rut.

There's something about pressure to write something, anything that makes the writing hazardous. I don't really know how anyone really gets out of writers block until struck by inspiration. That whole "just start writing" exercise doesn't really work.

So, until I'm struck with better ideas...

the zipping white light beams disregarding bombs and satellites.

More than anything, I'm realizing over and over that everything does always work out in the end. I always thought that was one of those bullshit things people tell you to make you feel better for the time being. But then I realize that we all feel like that every time we are told that statement, when we are feeling like shit and moping around. And when it all gets better, and it really does become alright in the end, we don't really go back to think about how it all really worked out pretty nicely. But I'm looking back, and in so many aspects, everything is just so nice as it is, right now. It's like a sudden onset of luck poured onto me, and as scared as I am that it will all come crashing down, the trying optimist in me is just embracing it as it is right now.

Completely random, but I've realized that I have way too many pet peeves. Besides the occasional "the reason is because" which I don't even notice as much anymore, the worst is when people come into my car and turn the volume way up. God, I just want to smash the keys of my computer just thinking about it. If I wanted to blow out my eardrums by setting my volume to 50, I would do so myself. I really don't see the point in turning my stereo way up so every goddamn person in the world can hear what I'm listening to. Jesus. Obnoxiously loud laughter bothers me too, but that's more arbitrary. And of course, a whole lot of driving pet peeves, most of them having to do with turn indicators (people not using them, people not turning them off, people "turning left" when they're in the fast lane in the freeway, blah blah).

I guess this entry is pretty pointless...

we'll get there fast and then we'll take it slow.

This is it...I am officially a second semester senior. But just like the new year, or a 17th birthday, nothing feels different whatsoever. I am and will probably remain the same student, procrastinating her homework yet still maintaining a little ounce of caring about her grades. Of course, maybe this whole "second semester" business isn't hitting me because I've never let the whole "grades matter" situation stop me from not giving a shit. But it's nice to know that now, I'm allowed to not care, and most everyone will be on the same boat with me. All aboard! Procrastination + nonproductivity = fun times.

I don't know what it is about online personality tests, but they're so goddamn addictive. I finally took the Meyer-Briggs Personality Test (there are 16 different personality types) and after taking different quizzes four or five times, settled on INFP as the one that most describes me (although I must say, I suppose my indecisiveness and "derisiveness and sarcasm toward others" is from my INFJ side). It seems kind of cliche to take a test and then say "omg, that's totally me," but it is pretty true. I mean...I am definitely

• Sensitive and perceptive about what others are feeling
• Likely to recognize and appreciate other's need for space
• Flexible and diverse
• May tend to be shy and reserved
• Don't like to have their "space" invaded
• Extreme dislike of conflict
• Extreme dislike of criticism
• Strong need to receive praise and positive affirmation
• May perceive criticism where none was intended
• Tend to be reserved about expressing their feelings
• Perfectionistic tendencies may cause them to not give themselves enough credit
• Tendency to blame themselves for problems, and hold everything on their own shoulders
• Under stress, may obsessively brood over a problem repeatedly

I just realized that most of those things are negative but I don't know, I never took my "extreme dislike of conflict" as a bad thing. It really isn't like I'm just taking this test and accepting my INFP-ness as my true destiny forever.

People may not be able to gather it from the occasional glance at this blog, but as much as I say it doesn't, I do change. From middle school until now, I'm such a different person. I mean for one, I didn't make as many sardonic comments, because I definitely talked way less. And since that's a problem I've conquered and kicked out of the stratosphere (almost), I guess it's just one step at a time for me. Maybe this is true or maybe it's not, but I don't think I can drastically change to be the perfect self, nor do I really want to suddenly become that new person. It's way more rewarding to see it gradually happen, and it reeks of fakeness to act like a person you're not, no matter how hard you're trying to be it. There is that Kurt Vonnegut quote "We are what we pretend to be" (how cynical...high five) but I don't buy it. No matter how hard you try, you can't adopt a new personality and try to be something you're not just by acting like it everyday. Maybe it's the fact that you know you're trying to fake it that never lets us get past that barrier. But either way, I know what I want to overcome ("tendency to blame themselves for problems" would definitely be one) and I am working on it. How slow it must seem for the witness, but to me, I'm making progress.

we've got a place for the night, what are you worried about?

Finals are approaching, and we're probably in the worst state of all. Two or three months more of the waiting game, along with some scholarship and financial aid forms on the way. I'm trying to get through the next two weeks thinking that these are the last tests that will actually matter, except that these last few tests really fucking matter for me.

Oh, I don't know. I always pictured myself having hardcore senioritis second semester, and as those days are approaching quickly, I'm starting to change my mindset. Granted, I will always be lazy and procrastinate my homework, or not do it at all. But I've been doing that for so long, for almost three years, that one semester is not going to change me even more. I don't think I'll ever think that the grades don't matter. That I'm already into college, so whatever. But who knows? Maybe my unproductivity can get worse. Kind of scary, but true nonetheless.

The past three weeks, I've gathered that I am going to be a shitty mother. This could sound cruel or heartless, but I'm just not a big fan of babies in general. Little children really annoy me, which is why I don't think I could ever be a teacher. I don't have patience. I don't have the tenacity to encourage these kids or make them listen to me. In fact, even when they really really like me (like my cousin who recently visited), I just don't have the energy to entertain them or amuse them with cutesy little things. Plus, I can't cook (unless eggs are included in said definition of cooking). Things could change from now and ten years from now, though. Maybe I'll suddenly be the perfect suburban mom when the writing career goes under.

(This is for those of you who've been reading this old thing so long that you actually remember this minute detail.) I finally finished my test roll for my Olympus XA and got it developed today. Most of them were really blurry, probably because I still haven't quite grasped what the film speed and aperture really mean in conjunction with each other. Others came out really fucked up (in a good way), rainbow colors running all over the place. Now I suppose I'll start carrying it around and using it properly.

I guess that'll be all. My mind's a blur from the (non-)anticipation of finals and the cramming that ensues.

give up your life, cause you cannot fight the television.

Lately, I've found myself in TV show phases. I actually sit down to watch a show I've been meaning to watch for months, and I immediately fall in love. Then I proceed to either a) have a long marathon of every single episode ever, b) try downloading as many episodes as possible before I can't find anymore online, or c) get caught up on Wikipedia and then start watching every week. All of this happens until, inevitably, I have watched all the episodes I could and then get lazy or forget about it in the midst of falling in love with some other show. The fact that I don't have cable doesn't help any of this. Just to put you guys to bed and to put off my homework, I feel like elucidating which shows I've been obsessed with (You can all stop reading now).

1. Gossip Girl. This one's quite obvious, and probably my biggest. I religiously watch this show with my mom every Monday, and sacrifice not one, but two of my other obsessions to devote a full hour to Blair, Chuck, Dan, Serena, Jenny, and the rest of those Upper East Siders. I remember bagging on anyone who watched this show earlier on because I thought it would suck major ass, considering Jenny wasn't even a double D midget and Vanessa just wasn't bald, as they were in the novels. So much for that. Sometime in between witnessing how well Leighton Meester portrays Blair and drooling over Penn Badgley, I became a GG addict. XOXO...

2. House. Medical dramas usually aren't my cup of tea. I did watch Grey's Anatomy for a while until it became too frustrating to watch Meredith and McDreamy be on, off, on, then off again. House completely obliterated that tradition of mine. How could it not? Gregory House is so fucking outrageous and hilarious; Wilson is the sweetest and most competent sidekick ever; and Cuddy just plain rules. Not to mention the entire reality show-themed team picking that House conducted on season 4, which was full of win. Thirteen, Kutner, and Taub can kick Foreman, Chase, and Cameron's ass anyday (though they're still on the show, as proved by Foreteen. I mean, really?).

3. How I Met Your Mother. I will admit, the title is the stupidest thing I've heard in a long time. It sounds like one of those bad "yo mama" jokes, so I thought the show would be yet another sitcom I can't stand (hello, Everybody Loves Raymond). But once I actually understood the premise and discovered that a) Jason Segel is on the show, b) Barney is fucking awesome, and c) I would marry Ted anyday, this show almost replaces Friends. I really am being driven insane about who the fuck the mother could be, but oh well. It's refreshing to see a sitcom that is so connected from episode to episode, instead of a random scenario each time. Honestly, I can't wait to finish my marathon and watch this show forever (which also coincides with Gossip Girl, and House. I guess Monday at 8 pm is a really popular time...)

4. Mad Men. This show is fucking good; I can say it no other way. It's such a great period drama, and it's kind of scary how well they portray NYC in the 1960s. I love every character, especially Don Draper (who doesn't?), sleazebag Pete Campbell, the naive-turned-intelligent Peggy Olson, the amazing secretary Joan Holloway, and the surprisingly sexy Roger Sterling. I'm so addicted to this show and I wish so much that it wasn't on AMC, a definite cable channel if I ever saw one. I don't know how long it's going to take to watch every episode (probably a really long time), but I'm going to try and prolong it as long as possible. Even the opening theme is RJD2. Could anything be more perfect?

5. Psych. This show had confused me for the longest time when I saw random bits and pieces of it in passing. Is this Shawn dude a fucking psychic or not? Why the fuck would he pretend to be a psychic? If he's not a psychic, then how can he solve all of these cases? I finally watched the pilot and it all clicked. Psych is a lot funnier than I thought it would be; Shawn and Gus have the best chemistry, even though Gus is a bit of a pushover. I'm not sure if I'll ever get around to finishing this series, because there's no drive to find out what's next (considering it's just oh, Shawn and Gus solve a case, again! Lassiter's pissed as shit! Jules is amazed! The dad makes Shawn do something for him! The end!) but it doesn't mean I'm not totally in love with this show. Also, I'm not gonna lie...it beats Monk any day (OCD is fun for a little bit, but it gets a tad bit boring after a while).

6. Freaks And Geeks. This show would definitely be #2, or somewhere near there, if it wasn't for the fact that NBC sadly canceled this beloved TV show after one season. Not only was this Judd Apatow's darling, the actors in this show are kind of ridiculous: Seth Rogen (check), Jason Segel (check), Linda Cardellini (check), and James Franco (CHECK). This show was full of understated humor, my favorite kind, and really portrayed high school better than anything The OC could show (which might be why this got canceled, and The OC was canceled well after it should've been...I did love that show too, though). If some Freaks And Geeks reunion episode were to happen, I am so there.

7. Entourage. One name: Ari Gold. This guy might have the best one-liners in the history of TV shows (or the ones that I've watched, at least). Sure, the show was too depressing to watch after Vince's fall from grace, and Drama is just not as pretty to look at. Plus, I miss those Eric and Sloane days. Regardless, this show is awesome to watch for the celebrity cameos, the total bromance of the posse, and of course, the Ari Gold scenes.

8. The Office. I clearly do not watch this show enough. But whenever I do, the delight that is Jim and Pam...together...makes up for my guilt. I remember the old days when it was Jim and Pam, not together, with all that tension and unrequited love on Jim's part. I realize that there is a whole other part of this show besides the romance, namely, the stupidity that is Dwight Schrute and the even more stupid Michael Scott. And of course, the bitchy Angela and the gay Oscar and Stanley...okay, fuck, I really have to start religiously watching this show again.

9. Weeds. It would be quite nice if I were still obsessed with this show, but ever since Nancy got out of Agrestic this show kind of blows. Okay, and I can just not take the disturbingness that is Shane masturbating to photos of his mom. Seriously, ew. But still, in the delightful days of the DEA, U-Turn, crazy Kat, and gay Justin Chatwin (the pilot is still my favorite episode), Weeds used to be the bomb. Mary Louise Parker is a fabulous actor, and Hunter Parrish...no words needed. Plus, Weeds has the best guest stars (Zooey Deschanel? Mary Kate Olsen? I'm sold).

10. Burn Notice. I'll be honest, this show is not quality television. The cinematography really bothers me, and the transitions are faulty and really bad. Still, Michael Westen is a badass and spy shows are so totally awesome to watch, especially if the entire 2 seasons were incredibly easy to download and happen to be living in your iPod. Maybe I'm reliving those old days of Alias (remember that show?) but I'll be watching this for a while, finding out why the hell random government kids burned the guy.

Of course, I have other shows I've been obsessed with, or tried to be obsessed with but became daunted at the number of episodes. Hannah Montana, for one, which I watched every single episode of (until the newest season) just for the hell of it. Or 90210 to see what happens next in the typically formulaic drama (not that I really care...if the formula works, I'll take it). And then there were those shows I used to be obsessed with, like Life As We Know It (another one of those great high school TV shows that got canceled really quickly), Love Monkey (also canceled...but really cute), The OC (I know I bashed, but honestly. What teenage girl didn't love this show?), and Daria (this definitely falls into the "daunted at the number of episodes" category, but I have it to rely on when I get bored). Also, obviously, I have shows that I want to fall in love with if I had the time: 30 Rock, Scrubs, Arrested Development (I'm starting to work on that one), Skins, My So-Called Life, Undeclared, Dexter, Flight Of The Conchords, Veronica Mars, and Bones.

If you're actually still reading this incredibly long entry, you deserve a break. Go watch some television.