the zipping white light beams disregarding bombs and satellites.

More than anything, I'm realizing over and over that everything does always work out in the end. I always thought that was one of those bullshit things people tell you to make you feel better for the time being. But then I realize that we all feel like that every time we are told that statement, when we are feeling like shit and moping around. And when it all gets better, and it really does become alright in the end, we don't really go back to think about how it all really worked out pretty nicely. But I'm looking back, and in so many aspects, everything is just so nice as it is, right now. It's like a sudden onset of luck poured onto me, and as scared as I am that it will all come crashing down, the trying optimist in me is just embracing it as it is right now.

Completely random, but I've realized that I have way too many pet peeves. Besides the occasional "the reason is because" which I don't even notice as much anymore, the worst is when people come into my car and turn the volume way up. God, I just want to smash the keys of my computer just thinking about it. If I wanted to blow out my eardrums by setting my volume to 50, I would do so myself. I really don't see the point in turning my stereo way up so every goddamn person in the world can hear what I'm listening to. Jesus. Obnoxiously loud laughter bothers me too, but that's more arbitrary. And of course, a whole lot of driving pet peeves, most of them having to do with turn indicators (people not using them, people not turning them off, people "turning left" when they're in the fast lane in the freeway, blah blah).

I guess this entry is pretty pointless...

we'll get there fast and then we'll take it slow.

This is it...I am officially a second semester senior. But just like the new year, or a 17th birthday, nothing feels different whatsoever. I am and will probably remain the same student, procrastinating her homework yet still maintaining a little ounce of caring about her grades. Of course, maybe this whole "second semester" business isn't hitting me because I've never let the whole "grades matter" situation stop me from not giving a shit. But it's nice to know that now, I'm allowed to not care, and most everyone will be on the same boat with me. All aboard! Procrastination + nonproductivity = fun times.

I don't know what it is about online personality tests, but they're so goddamn addictive. I finally took the Meyer-Briggs Personality Test (there are 16 different personality types) and after taking different quizzes four or five times, settled on INFP as the one that most describes me (although I must say, I suppose my indecisiveness and "derisiveness and sarcasm toward others" is from my INFJ side). It seems kind of cliche to take a test and then say "omg, that's totally me," but it is pretty true. I mean...I am definitely

• Sensitive and perceptive about what others are feeling
• Likely to recognize and appreciate other's need for space
• Flexible and diverse
• May tend to be shy and reserved
• Don't like to have their "space" invaded
• Extreme dislike of conflict
• Extreme dislike of criticism
• Strong need to receive praise and positive affirmation
• May perceive criticism where none was intended
• Tend to be reserved about expressing their feelings
• Perfectionistic tendencies may cause them to not give themselves enough credit
• Tendency to blame themselves for problems, and hold everything on their own shoulders
• Under stress, may obsessively brood over a problem repeatedly

I just realized that most of those things are negative but I don't know, I never took my "extreme dislike of conflict" as a bad thing. It really isn't like I'm just taking this test and accepting my INFP-ness as my true destiny forever.

People may not be able to gather it from the occasional glance at this blog, but as much as I say it doesn't, I do change. From middle school until now, I'm such a different person. I mean for one, I didn't make as many sardonic comments, because I definitely talked way less. And since that's a problem I've conquered and kicked out of the stratosphere (almost), I guess it's just one step at a time for me. Maybe this is true or maybe it's not, but I don't think I can drastically change to be the perfect self, nor do I really want to suddenly become that new person. It's way more rewarding to see it gradually happen, and it reeks of fakeness to act like a person you're not, no matter how hard you're trying to be it. There is that Kurt Vonnegut quote "We are what we pretend to be" (how cynical...high five) but I don't buy it. No matter how hard you try, you can't adopt a new personality and try to be something you're not just by acting like it everyday. Maybe it's the fact that you know you're trying to fake it that never lets us get past that barrier. But either way, I know what I want to overcome ("tendency to blame themselves for problems" would definitely be one) and I am working on it. How slow it must seem for the witness, but to me, I'm making progress.

we've got a place for the night, what are you worried about?

Finals are approaching, and we're probably in the worst state of all. Two or three months more of the waiting game, along with some scholarship and financial aid forms on the way. I'm trying to get through the next two weeks thinking that these are the last tests that will actually matter, except that these last few tests really fucking matter for me.

Oh, I don't know. I always pictured myself having hardcore senioritis second semester, and as those days are approaching quickly, I'm starting to change my mindset. Granted, I will always be lazy and procrastinate my homework, or not do it at all. But I've been doing that for so long, for almost three years, that one semester is not going to change me even more. I don't think I'll ever think that the grades don't matter. That I'm already into college, so whatever. But who knows? Maybe my unproductivity can get worse. Kind of scary, but true nonetheless.

The past three weeks, I've gathered that I am going to be a shitty mother. This could sound cruel or heartless, but I'm just not a big fan of babies in general. Little children really annoy me, which is why I don't think I could ever be a teacher. I don't have patience. I don't have the tenacity to encourage these kids or make them listen to me. In fact, even when they really really like me (like my cousin who recently visited), I just don't have the energy to entertain them or amuse them with cutesy little things. Plus, I can't cook (unless eggs are included in said definition of cooking). Things could change from now and ten years from now, though. Maybe I'll suddenly be the perfect suburban mom when the writing career goes under.

(This is for those of you who've been reading this old thing so long that you actually remember this minute detail.) I finally finished my test roll for my Olympus XA and got it developed today. Most of them were really blurry, probably because I still haven't quite grasped what the film speed and aperture really mean in conjunction with each other. Others came out really fucked up (in a good way), rainbow colors running all over the place. Now I suppose I'll start carrying it around and using it properly.

I guess that'll be all. My mind's a blur from the (non-)anticipation of finals and the cramming that ensues.

give up your life, cause you cannot fight the television.

Lately, I've found myself in TV show phases. I actually sit down to watch a show I've been meaning to watch for months, and I immediately fall in love. Then I proceed to either a) have a long marathon of every single episode ever, b) try downloading as many episodes as possible before I can't find anymore online, or c) get caught up on Wikipedia and then start watching every week. All of this happens until, inevitably, I have watched all the episodes I could and then get lazy or forget about it in the midst of falling in love with some other show. The fact that I don't have cable doesn't help any of this. Just to put you guys to bed and to put off my homework, I feel like elucidating which shows I've been obsessed with (You can all stop reading now).

1. Gossip Girl. This one's quite obvious, and probably my biggest. I religiously watch this show with my mom every Monday, and sacrifice not one, but two of my other obsessions to devote a full hour to Blair, Chuck, Dan, Serena, Jenny, and the rest of those Upper East Siders. I remember bagging on anyone who watched this show earlier on because I thought it would suck major ass, considering Jenny wasn't even a double D midget and Vanessa just wasn't bald, as they were in the novels. So much for that. Sometime in between witnessing how well Leighton Meester portrays Blair and drooling over Penn Badgley, I became a GG addict. XOXO...

2. House. Medical dramas usually aren't my cup of tea. I did watch Grey's Anatomy for a while until it became too frustrating to watch Meredith and McDreamy be on, off, on, then off again. House completely obliterated that tradition of mine. How could it not? Gregory House is so fucking outrageous and hilarious; Wilson is the sweetest and most competent sidekick ever; and Cuddy just plain rules. Not to mention the entire reality show-themed team picking that House conducted on season 4, which was full of win. Thirteen, Kutner, and Taub can kick Foreman, Chase, and Cameron's ass anyday (though they're still on the show, as proved by Foreteen. I mean, really?).

3. How I Met Your Mother. I will admit, the title is the stupidest thing I've heard in a long time. It sounds like one of those bad "yo mama" jokes, so I thought the show would be yet another sitcom I can't stand (hello, Everybody Loves Raymond). But once I actually understood the premise and discovered that a) Jason Segel is on the show, b) Barney is fucking awesome, and c) I would marry Ted anyday, this show almost replaces Friends. I really am being driven insane about who the fuck the mother could be, but oh well. It's refreshing to see a sitcom that is so connected from episode to episode, instead of a random scenario each time. Honestly, I can't wait to finish my marathon and watch this show forever (which also coincides with Gossip Girl, and House. I guess Monday at 8 pm is a really popular time...)

4. Mad Men. This show is fucking good; I can say it no other way. It's such a great period drama, and it's kind of scary how well they portray NYC in the 1960s. I love every character, especially Don Draper (who doesn't?), sleazebag Pete Campbell, the naive-turned-intelligent Peggy Olson, the amazing secretary Joan Holloway, and the surprisingly sexy Roger Sterling. I'm so addicted to this show and I wish so much that it wasn't on AMC, a definite cable channel if I ever saw one. I don't know how long it's going to take to watch every episode (probably a really long time), but I'm going to try and prolong it as long as possible. Even the opening theme is RJD2. Could anything be more perfect?

5. Psych. This show had confused me for the longest time when I saw random bits and pieces of it in passing. Is this Shawn dude a fucking psychic or not? Why the fuck would he pretend to be a psychic? If he's not a psychic, then how can he solve all of these cases? I finally watched the pilot and it all clicked. Psych is a lot funnier than I thought it would be; Shawn and Gus have the best chemistry, even though Gus is a bit of a pushover. I'm not sure if I'll ever get around to finishing this series, because there's no drive to find out what's next (considering it's just oh, Shawn and Gus solve a case, again! Lassiter's pissed as shit! Jules is amazed! The dad makes Shawn do something for him! The end!) but it doesn't mean I'm not totally in love with this show. Also, I'm not gonna lie...it beats Monk any day (OCD is fun for a little bit, but it gets a tad bit boring after a while).

6. Freaks And Geeks. This show would definitely be #2, or somewhere near there, if it wasn't for the fact that NBC sadly canceled this beloved TV show after one season. Not only was this Judd Apatow's darling, the actors in this show are kind of ridiculous: Seth Rogen (check), Jason Segel (check), Linda Cardellini (check), and James Franco (CHECK). This show was full of understated humor, my favorite kind, and really portrayed high school better than anything The OC could show (which might be why this got canceled, and The OC was canceled well after it should've been...I did love that show too, though). If some Freaks And Geeks reunion episode were to happen, I am so there.

7. Entourage. One name: Ari Gold. This guy might have the best one-liners in the history of TV shows (or the ones that I've watched, at least). Sure, the show was too depressing to watch after Vince's fall from grace, and Drama is just not as pretty to look at. Plus, I miss those Eric and Sloane days. Regardless, this show is awesome to watch for the celebrity cameos, the total bromance of the posse, and of course, the Ari Gold scenes.

8. The Office. I clearly do not watch this show enough. But whenever I do, the delight that is Jim and Pam...together...makes up for my guilt. I remember the old days when it was Jim and Pam, not together, with all that tension and unrequited love on Jim's part. I realize that there is a whole other part of this show besides the romance, namely, the stupidity that is Dwight Schrute and the even more stupid Michael Scott. And of course, the bitchy Angela and the gay Oscar and Stanley...okay, fuck, I really have to start religiously watching this show again.

9. Weeds. It would be quite nice if I were still obsessed with this show, but ever since Nancy got out of Agrestic this show kind of blows. Okay, and I can just not take the disturbingness that is Shane masturbating to photos of his mom. Seriously, ew. But still, in the delightful days of the DEA, U-Turn, crazy Kat, and gay Justin Chatwin (the pilot is still my favorite episode), Weeds used to be the bomb. Mary Louise Parker is a fabulous actor, and Hunter Parrish...no words needed. Plus, Weeds has the best guest stars (Zooey Deschanel? Mary Kate Olsen? I'm sold).

10. Burn Notice. I'll be honest, this show is not quality television. The cinematography really bothers me, and the transitions are faulty and really bad. Still, Michael Westen is a badass and spy shows are so totally awesome to watch, especially if the entire 2 seasons were incredibly easy to download and happen to be living in your iPod. Maybe I'm reliving those old days of Alias (remember that show?) but I'll be watching this for a while, finding out why the hell random government kids burned the guy.

Of course, I have other shows I've been obsessed with, or tried to be obsessed with but became daunted at the number of episodes. Hannah Montana, for one, which I watched every single episode of (until the newest season) just for the hell of it. Or 90210 to see what happens next in the typically formulaic drama (not that I really care...if the formula works, I'll take it). And then there were those shows I used to be obsessed with, like Life As We Know It (another one of those great high school TV shows that got canceled really quickly), Love Monkey (also canceled...but really cute), The OC (I know I bashed, but honestly. What teenage girl didn't love this show?), and Daria (this definitely falls into the "daunted at the number of episodes" category, but I have it to rely on when I get bored). Also, obviously, I have shows that I want to fall in love with if I had the time: 30 Rock, Scrubs, Arrested Development (I'm starting to work on that one), Skins, My So-Called Life, Undeclared, Dexter, Flight Of The Conchords, Veronica Mars, and Bones.

If you're actually still reading this incredibly long entry, you deserve a break. Go watch some television.