they call me quiet girl, but i'm a riot.

It's been a little over a year since I started this particular blog. This was an experiment launched for three reasons:
1. GJ failed on us, and the transition to LJ was boring.
2. the Blogger layout was really appealing.
3. Blogger is public, which was probably the most attractive quality about this blog. The fact that everyone could read it, and everyone might read it, or at the very least, I could write with everyone in mind instead of the regular two or three people I usually write for.

So that's how this old thing was born. I made it one of my endless New Year's Resolutions to update regularly, which happened most of the time (except when finals and APs came along).
So after a year of posting random entries with a random lyric as a title and a random photograph to accompany it, I've discovered that good things do happen. Things do change, and not just circumstances or friends made and gone. Here's what I've realized this year...

1. I may not be that open in person, but Jesus Christ, I have no censor when I'm telling the Internet things about myself. It's something I never realized entry-to-entry, since I just type what I'm thinking and then move on. But the fact I can be so shameless while typing away in this window still amazes me.
2. More people read this than I thought. I couldn't count how many conversations this year have started with "OMG, I read your blog the other day!" I even wrote one entry with someone in mind and that person brought it up the next day, saying that they "could totally relate." Major laughs.
3. This thing actually helps when I'm in an incredibly shitty mood and I write about it. It's not so much the sporadic, sympathetic comments, nor the thrill of having it out in the open for all to potentially read, but just the fact that these thoughts in my brain have articulated themselves into concrete words. And surprisingly, I like this blog the most out of any that I've had (actually, it's probably on par with GJ...RIP).

Needless to say, I am obviously going to shoot for another yearlong stint with this blog, probably bitching about how unfair college admissions are or talking about my new Jonas Brothers replacement. And who knows? I'm not promising anything. I don't know if I'll suddenly stop writing in this because I don't feel the need to, or if I'm going to update a whole lot more because my insecurity level increased tenfold. I don't really want to know right now either.

Which brings me to my next point...2009 is almost here, and my usual tradition of having a huge list of resolutions would accompany this post. Usually I'd have a ginormous numbered list of how I need to speak up, care more, stop procrastinating, do this, do that...but this year, fuck that. I pretty much have the same resolutions year after year, which is kind of dumb. If the resolutions were working, I wouldn't need any repeats, would I? So, I've decided to only have one solitary resolution this year, one I really want to keep.

1. Accept the present.

Too many times this year I've been stuck in the past, wanting things the way they used to be. I would be stuck in my hopes for the future, hoping things would turn out a particular way to benefit me. But no more. I want to just embrace what comes, whether it's really good or really shitty. Maybe I'll whine and bitch for a little, but I don't want to think that anything is the be all and end all of my life, because it's not. So really, I want to keep in mind: Shit happens. Deal with it.

So there's the end of that. No want of change or anything on my list this year, because honestly, I could care less about being a perfect archetype of the most lovable person right now. Maybe my current opinion about change will change in the near future, but again, I'll deal with that when it comes.

the SEVENTEEN albums of 2008.

I know last year I went for only ten, but this year I have that plus five honorable mentions, and two others that would lower my cred if it went in my actual list. Just kidding...kind of. So here we go, in order (although I'm going to be tempted to rearrange these over and over)! Not the newspaper's favorite albums of the year, but legitimately mine this time.

THE TOP TEN:
Vampire Weekend-Vampire Weekend. I feel like this album came out years ago, probably because I heard most of this album just as 2008 was sprouting its tiny legs. But no matter how many times I play "Oxford Comma" over and over, these songs honestly never get old. All the African, French classical, whatever influences this band has, I love it all. Vampire Weekend, please bestow a new album for us all during 2009. If it's anything at all like "Ottoman" I will love you for life. Not that I don't already...how could I not love a band that has its lead singer don a Ralph Lauren dog-embroidered sweater?

Of Montreal-Skeletal Lamping. Haters to the left. I've been stuck in this sex-crazed wild party that Kevin Barnes is hosting ever since I got this album. So many of the lyrics are clever, or random, or just plain insane, which I totally dig. Songs like "For Our Elegant Caste" get stuck in my head, but I can't exactly go around singing "we can do it softcore if you want" without getting strange looks. No big deal, I'll just privately dance in my car like I usually do. Just know this, Of Montreal: I can't help if it's true, I just want to play with you.

Fleet Foxes-Fleet Foxes. If I wanted to be completely uncreative and lazy, I could just copy what I wrote for the paper, but I won't since Fleet Foxes is that worth it. I feel like I uncovered my Band of Horses of 2008, although they do have their differences. I want to hear this album forever while I'm out in the woods, toasting marshmallows around a campfire. "White Water Hymnal" makes me drool every time I play it because of its fabulous harmonies.

M83-Saturdays=Youth. I feel like a cheater to put this on my list, because I only got this album last week or so. But seriously, I've been playing it so many times and the songs are so legit. They're dreamy, they're ethereal, they're super synthesized, whatever--I totally understand why this album is on every blog's top 10. It's going to be one of those things that when I look back to this post next April, I'll say "Wow! I totally would've put that at #1 since I love it even more now." Here's to M83.

Lady Gaga-The Fame. Lady Gaga is so easy to write about, since this album seriously was the soundtrack of my summer. Some songs are not super amazing, but the latter half makes up for all of it tenfold. You may only know "Just Dance" and "Poker Face," or maybe a couple more thanks to Gossip Girl, but it's straight up fact that 1) Lady Gaga dresses weirder than Bjork and 2) her dance songs are amazing. Fuck Britney Spears: she may have one or two good singles, but Lady Gaga wrote them. Take that.

Jack's Mannequin-The Glass Passenger. Oh, Andrew McMahon. We all waited and waited for your sophomore album, and you delivered not only that, but some spectacular EPs to go with it. And wow, your album is amazing. People might think you're overrated but as a huge SoCo fan, I will never get over you. I can't even list songs because I really dig all of them (okay, I really really like "Orphans" and "Caves.") Please, Andrew, can you marry your piano? The two of you are so fierce.

Anthony Green-Avalon. Circa Survive is bomb. So is The Sounds of Animals Fighting. But Anthony Green is at his prime when he's all alone, singing these acoustic songs that are catchy as hell. I loved "Drugdealer" ever since he sang it at SXSW last year, and it's even better polished and produced. And how could this album be even better? Colin Frangicetto of Circa Survive remixed the whole damn thing! God loves me so.

Santogold-Santogold. I stumbled upon Santogold totally by chance. Browsing my usual downloading website of choice, here flashed a trippy two-song EP cover advertising Santogold, saying I'd love her if I dug M.I.A. The huge Arular fan that I am, I downloaded it and man, I loved it. Hearing more random songs, especially the "You'll Find A Way (Switch and Graeme Sinden Remix)" solidified my love. By the time the rest of the blogosphere caught on, I kind of forgot all about Santogold but revisiting 2008 albums, of course, I could never forget the craziness that is this album.

Lil' Wayne-Tha Carter III. Wow. In the misogynistic, radio hit land of hip-hop and rap, it was for sure Lil' Wayne's year. I can't even count how many "call me so I can make it juicy for ya" or "bitch, I'm the bomb like tick tick" bumper stickers I got. Or that one time I was waiting in line at Six Flags and these 30-year-olds were dancing to Lil' Wayne creeping out of their phone. This man simply cannot be escaped and honestly, I wouldn't want to be. Now excuse me while I listen to "Mr. Carter" for the 10th time today.

Lykke Li-Youth Novels. Lykke Li's face sort of bothers me, but regardless of that I LOVE this album. Her distinctive Swedish voice and sweet electropop will entice anyone (or at least girls) into her charm. The music video for "I'm Good, I'm Gone" is hypnotic and one of my favorites this year (maybe because it was free on iTunes, so it permanently lives in my iPod), as is the song itself. 3OH!3's remix and Friendly Fires' cover of the same song are just as amusing and fascinating.

THE HONORABLE MENTIONS:
MGMT-Oracular Spectacular. I know you're all wondering, "How in the world could she possibly put MGMT in the honorable mentions?!" Because, simply put, I only reallllly love the first five songs and all the rest kind of fade to the back of my mind, never to be recalled again. Of course "Electric Feel" is amazing and catchy as shit. Of course I know all the words to "Kids"; of course "Time To Pretend" is my jam. Of course I fucking love MGMT. Now stop questioning me.

The Academy Is...-Fast Times At Barrington High. Like the judgmental fans we are, not many TAI fans liked Santi. It wasn't the Almost Here we were all used to and in love with. So for their third endeavor, William Beckett threw a big pop-punk gem in our faces. Okay, got the picture. At first this album was also a bit disappointing, especially "His Girl Friday" which was as cliche and stupid as cookie-cutter songs come. But looking at my iTunes, I've played this album an inexplicable number of times, and I really really like every other song. Congratulations, TAI, you pleased me.

Lenka-Lenka. I won't lie, Teen Vogue has been introducing me to some killer bands this year, like Chester French and yours truly, Lenka. Okay, so her music not be that off-kilter or original, but something about "Skipalong" and "The Show" made me have a aural epiphany and go to heaven. Plus, if you're the type of person who would like Lenka in the first place, the entire album is pretty much in the same vein, i.e. spectacular.

She & Him-Volume One. Zooey Deschanel and M. Ward. Could they be any more well-paired? This album is kitschy, a throwback to the 40s or 50s or whatever era. "Change Is Hard" is hands down one of the best songs, ever, and I adore the banjo that Zooey plays throughout the album. Seriously, my girl crush for this woman is growing by the second. Anxiously waiting for Volume Two...

Girl Talk-Feed The Animals. This album was free. Legally, totally free. Thanks Greg Gillis, you're the bomb. This album was also fabulous, with more of the same seamless mash-ups, stuffing Kanye West, Radiohead, and Ben Folds Five in less than a minute. So yes, I should've totally loved this album. It should've been in the top 10. But all I could think whenever I listened to it was "Night Ripper was better, catchier, more amazing." So there it goes...

WHAT I WOULD CALL GUILTY PLEASURES, IF I BELIEVED IN THEM:
Taylor Swift-Fearless. It scares me how much I love this album. As a standard Jonas Brothers fan I used to love to hate Taylor Swift, but honestly screw the Jonas Brothers and bring on the Taylor love. I don't care if the lyrics are childish or talk about Romeo and Juliet, or if she is labelled country. In fact, I'm not even hearing your digs at Taylor Swift since I'm too busy blasting "Hey Stephen." I guess some part everyone's criticism is well-deserved, though, because I know if I didn't care this album would be number 3...which is kind of pathetic, even on my part.

Akon-Freedom. This time last year I would have thought that T-Pain would be in this category, or somewhere on this list. But Thr33 Ringz was horrible (and horribly spelled...are we trying to resurrect some "Sk8er Boi" spelling or some shit?) and Freedom stole my hip-hop heart. "Beautiful" makes me excited whenever I hear it on the radio, and "Keep You Much Longer" is fucking great. Thanks, Akon, for being the runaway hit of radio hits (which doesn't mean much to me, but matters to those millions of top 40 listeners).

So that completes 2008...a decent music year, I must say. Here's to hoping that 2009 is even better...

come on mood shift, shift back to good again.

Too many times I have wished for change, and too many times I have wished to stop seeking it. Too many times I have wished to not be so many negative qualities that I see myself being. And too many times I have told myself: this is who I am and I need to accept that, whatever bad and good I have in me. But for the first time, right now, I realize this whole battle is pointless. It is circular, it will never end, and always I will be beating myself up for certain reasons, than beating myself up again for doing so. Never will I actually be content with whatever state I'm in, with whatever I wish to be. Society tells you, you should be happy where you are, and that whatever happens is for the best, and everything will turn out alright in the end. I don't see the need for these trivial consolations. Do they ever even mean anything? Do we ever believe it when we're told once, or even when we're told multiple times that we'll be alright, that things will pass, to stop worrying...do we ever really believe that? Of course, we all know a bad situation will come to pass. That happiness is just around the corner (just typing it sounds so cliché). It's never a matter of "Will things get better?" The question is more, "When will it happen? How long do I have to suffer until these things subside?"

Maybe this is just me, but truthfully I think there is some part in all of us that likes to sulk, that enjoys being miserable at least for a little while. Happiness is annoying, in some ways: there is that little innate part of us (or me, because maybe I am just cynical because I have all these bad qualities that I think all humans have) that is jealous of others' happiness, no matter how much we repeat to ourselves that they deserve it. Sadness on the other hand is easy to relate to, and although hard to comfort and console, most friends are willing to be there when you're down. Really, success is harder to truly congratulate (besides an offhand word), unless of course you already have everything you want. In that case, good for you. And we all know what tone of voice I'd say that in.

This entry, anyway, started out with me wishing my priorities were different. That I didn't care so much about certain things, so that when I got them I would be doubly happy about it. That I almost wish I weren't me anymore, and that so many things about myself that people would naturally characterize as the "essence" of me are things I would love to get rid of. That sarcasm, the cynicism, the lack of enthusiasm for almost anything...right, it might be funny initially, but I am too hard to crack. No one really thinks its worth the effort to find out what's underneath, beneath the (relatively) cold exterior that I display (relatively) proudly. It isn't even that; most people think I'm just a bitch in general. And maybe I am. Maybe I'm just saying all these interior/exterior theories so that I can someone humanize myself, but maybe it is just that I am that bad of a person, plain and simple.

So many times I wish I could connect with certain people, the ones who really like Fleet Foxes with me or the ones who would appreciate the same humor, feel the same way about certain scenarios, and all these other things. But every time after I wish that, I realize that there probably are a lot of people out there, and that most of these people are really friendly and outgoing and fun to be around, and since I am none of those characteristics I am just tossed aside. I also realize that this is a really passive outlook, and maybe it is just that I am not trying enough. But it raises another question: Why do I even have to be trying? Is it just a rote characteristic that everyone loves, the ability to be confident, to be ridiculous in front of others and then have the shamelessness to laugh it off, the skill to connect with someone really easily and to be personable? Why do I have to be all those things, and also, why is it that almost every single person I know seems to possess those qualities?

Bottom line is, no matter how many times I wish to change and however many times I then tell myself I don't need to, it all doesn't really matter because I can't seem to, anyway. I will most likely be stuck being this...less of a human being. I will be stuck as a person whose humor involves being mean and rude to the people she loves the most, so much so that people really think she is that cruel. And again, maybe I am and I don't even realize it. I will be stuck as a person who sulks in the corner, who finds herself jealous of even her friends' successes, and who will pretty much never be content where she is. I will be the person that people only compliment because of her sheer mastery of sarcasm or microinequities, never a person that people call kind or helpful or altruistic, and least of all never outgoing or confident or friendly. And most importantly, I will never stop being a self-deprecating person. Someone that wants people to be sorry for her. Someone who feeds off pity, then gets angry that pity's all she can get. Someone who, no matter how many times she repeats it to herself that it's not the case, can not find any good thing about herself.

I could be exaggerating, I could be warranting a pity party, but this is honestly how I feel.

well we made love like a pair of black wizards.

What does it take? A month and a half hiatus from a blog I didn’t even have to commit to, yet felt guilty every time I saw it in the top bar of my browser? A month and a half so that people half-heartedly check for updates, and then when those updates are nonexistent, and eventually they just lose all interest. The cycle is seen everywhere. With bands that just fade away after an amazing, fresh debut album, or that TV show with a hilarious pilot that just never airs again. Where’d it go? What happened? But eventually…you move on, get over it, and that obsession you held for a couple weeks is just a distant memory jogged only by late night thoughts.

So what does it mean if you want people to lose interest? If you want to be the memory that everyone rarely thinks of? The memory that occasionally one stumbles on, but then shoves to the side because, well, now it’s just not important. So long have I strived to be important, to be known, to be wanted and loved, but now it just seems best to be forgotten among this crowd. High school reunion shmeunion. So many times have I repeated the college clause, the “everything will be different” statement that it’s started to affect my every move. Maybe I am spending the weekends running my own TV marathons while the regulars are going to the typical weekend party. A year ago I would’ve cared. Today I’ve lost all interest.

This apathy is downright pathetic, when I really don’t want to make the effort anymore to find new things about this place. Things I’ve started to realize, or things I’ve taken for granted all these years that suddenly seem so new. Still, these are things that I’m too lazy or noncommittal about to actually experience or to try. Or the things that have always been there, that have always been postponed for “later, later,” but the later has arrived and still I’m just not feeling it.

Well, blog, I’ve missed you—kinda. Let’s keep this one short and see how things go. Because I might be forgotten to you, but to me, I'm still important.

life is a maze and love is a riddle.

I have simply been too busy to write in here, but more and more I've been bemoaning the lack of an update, since I have many things to tackle. Like, how much I detest that people don't seem to listen to my music recommendations. I know it's such a trivial issue but I don't know how many times I'm driven insane when I introduce someone to a band or musician and they half-heartedly listen to it, but then some other, more forceful (I guess) person pimps the same band out, and suddenly everyone loves it. It infuriates me so much that my opinion is shoved aside until someone who is simply louder and more obnoxious likes a song, and suddenly it's everywhere. But then again, I guess that's what publicity is all about. I realize it's kind of ridiculous to freak out over this little thing...but whatever.

Gradual loss of friends could possibly be the worst way to go. At least when you separate because of some big drama issue, it's curable if both parties just forgive each other. But a gradual change, that's near impossible to fix. And I wish so much that it wasn't happening to me, for the most trivial reasons, but it's something out of my reach and inevitable anyway. To just sit back and watch it happen is painful, but what else can I do?

I think for this entry particularly, I'm using this as a forum to tell certain people certain things (because God knows, this isn't great writing...at all). And I wish people would know that I hate drama, and that I overthink things and never get over anything until it actually is solved, and problems can't just "go away" for me. And I wish certain people would know how much everything is hurting me, and how I somewhat resent how different this year is becoming, and how much I just want last year back. But time is time.

if the world is ending, i'm throwing the party.

Sporadic updates-get used to it. Senior year is busier than I thought, or maybe I’m just being lazy about the blog. (Though somehow, I manage to check if I get comments everyday—and I haven’t). Senioritis has hit in particular subjects, notably calculus and physics. I don’t really care that the derivative of the velocity function is acceleration, and that acceleration can mean deceleration also. That’s very nice to know; however, I’d rather know about Jenny Lewis’s album dropping on my birthday, or about the new sale at Forever 21. Fucked up priorities, maybe, but I’m me. Thankfully, I like most of my classes and haven’t gotten the sleep attack all the time yet (must be the caffeine every morning).

Even so, I miss certain things about last year. Don’t get me wrong, I love this year so far, and the new people brought with it. But there was something about junior year—getting up every morning for zero period, sitting in those same Lecture Hall seats, mumbling “that’s what she said” jokes. Or spending support period with the same people everyday, wasting away a good 45 minutes talking about random things. Just the constancy of junior year and knowing that things (for the year at least) would remain the same was comforting. But then summer wiped away the routines and brought the change, and here I am a good few weeks into senior year, lamenting change. Change, a word I wholeheartedly love yet am turning away from, unlike the entry right below this. Yes, some things about this year are just so, so much better than the last, but not knowing what the next week or month will bring is unsettling.

It worries me—if I can’t deal with some minor changes here and there that came to me senior year, how am I going to cope with the overhaul of a new city, a new school, and a whole new pack of friends in college? Could it be, that after all these years (and entries) about wanting college, craving college, whining about not being in college…that I could be scared for college? That maybe change is something to be feared sometimes, because it creeps up unexpectedly and blows away the entire groundwork, so the next minute or hour is dripping with suspense? Maybe I am like every other senior after all, a contradictory bundle of emotions craving to get out of here but crying those tears at graduation, sad to leave it all behind.

But whether or not I want senior year to slow down or speed up, time is time—the one unit that never changes, something I cannot accelerate or decelerate on my own will. And the end of high school is coming, with each tick that my clock quietly chirps in my room. Maybe I want senior year to end right now—and so what? All I can do is lead this year to the end and make it as non-shitty as possible. Or maybe I want to prolong this year to my advantage, and make the best of everything this place has to offer. Either way, I’m welcoming senior year officially. 12th grade, the last numerical grade—I embrace you.

i'll follow you until you love me, paparazzi.

A two-week fast from my blog...I did miss you. So many things are different from the last entry; namely, I've started school (applause applause). Everyone was right; first semester senior year is probably going to blow and be just like junior year. The senioritis has subsided a bit from last year's end of the year fiasco, but I'm sure it will creep its way back into my life in no time. College apps are taunting me, saying "Look at me, bitch, I'm due November 1, so DO ME." (Yeah yeah that's what she said). i hope these "life-changing" college decisions I'm making will hopefully be the right ones. But in the end, I don't think it will make the hugest difference.

First day of senior year, I already despised it. Everything was just so different from the security I felt in junior year, knowing my place and where I stood with the people who mattered to me most. Now there are more choices: there are the obvious ones like, On campus or off campus? Gelsons or Commons? This group or that group? And deeper ones, like Are they even worth it? Why was I ever so torn up over people I didn't even care about? Let me just take a break to say that I think the ban on ending sentences with a preposition is fucking bullshit. Google it. Seriously, does anyone provide a valid reason why this rule exists? The reason is because is redundant, anyways is just not a word, but this rule is just petty and dumb. /nerd Over this long, three-day weekend, even as more and more shit popped up, I'm thinking...why did everything mean so much to me, and why did I overanalyze the dumbest things and take everything personally? And why did I even let these people get to me?

I'm not going to go out on a limb and say I'm more chill, because I'm not, not really. It just occurred to me that it isn't the end of my life if some people aren't a big part of my life anymore. There are other people in this world, in this high school, that I never even registered or realized until I took myself out of the own little bubble I'd been in for so long. Maybe I'm just getting started early on this whole "meeting new people" thing, or the "getting closer to people who've been there all along but you never really talked to" aspect too. Or maybe it's the nonacademic senioritis sneaking up onto me, in a different form. But the best maybe is that maybe it's just me changing, letting go of some of the stupid whiny shit I always wrote about in my journal, because they really no longer matter if/when I don't want it to.

There's that quote (maybe by Robert Frost) of "the more things change, the more things stay the same." I never understood that paradox...what the fuck does that even mean? Change is change and constancy is constancy, end of story. I feel change comes sometimes involuntarily, or sometimes because you will it and act for it. But when it comes we should all embrace it; too often have I lamented the past and the way things were (I still do; I'm human) but it's just pointless: the past probably won't come back, and if it does, we wish something was different about it anyway, for we are rarely satisfied with our present. I mean, who knows if my "changing" senior year will last? I might just revert back to how things used to be in previous years, back into the comfort zone after venturing out for a couple of weeks. I'm hoping it will be different this time, though. I'm ready to embrace change in more ways than one, what with the new election coming up and both candidates throwing that word around like it's gold (which it is, to be honest). Change is so powerful (and also too often discussed in my blog) and can alter so many things, and eventually change will come to be good even with rocky starts.

I believe in a lot of things: that Palin is going to be a shit president if she happens to become one, that guilty pleasures don't exist, that Chinese Democracy won't even be that great if it ever comes out, and that change is the single most amazing thing about life (Well, and love, but I don't have much firsthand experience in that, so...)

light in the dark as i search for a resolution.

I don't like admitting this, and I'm not even trying to be modest to let compliments pour in, but my writing ability has seriously declined since last summer. I'm reading my old journal entries and essays, sometimes wowed by myself and in denial, and then I put my black pen to paper and words flow out, but they don't sound educated. They don't flow. It doesn't grip the reader, and it comes out as separate words jumbled together, juxtaposed strangely on lined sheets. I miss my writing last year, when I wrote the best short fiction story I've ever written, and my essays I wrote prepping for SAT (nerdy, but yes) were so dead-on. Maybe it's my lack of practice this summer; I have, in fact, spent more time writing pointless journal entries and making lists instead of concentrating on what I should write for my college essays. Now I'm sitting here, majorly fucked as I procrastinate this until the very end. As if I would do anything else. As if I could function anyway else.

Senior year is nearing, in a matter of days and hours instead of months and years. The final note of high school, with only 40 weeks until that marvelous graduation day. Everyone echoes each other, saying it's surreal and so "weird", but I have been ready for this moment for years. Barely anyone's ready to graduate, to separate from the life they've known for 17 or 18 years, but right now I feel like I'm going to walk out of California, boarding a plane (hopefully) to my next destination, and leaving no regrets. I'm so ready to get out. And I know how disgustingly often this topic comes up again and again in this blog. Imagine how many times I think about it per day.

I might as well embrace that I've become a shit writer and talk about shit things. Jack's Mannequin's new album is the best thing ever. I'm rocking "Orphans" on repeat, and it will stay that way for a while. Meanwhile, I'm obsessed with the Olympics. I watch it every night until I fall asleep, and I was so caught up with Shawn Johnson and Nastia Liukin and rooting them toward gold. Besides that, I have done absolutely nothing of interest. I might go write some, since the idea that all my writing ability has fell out of my brain is a bit depressing.

i'm speechless, over the edge i'm just breathless.

For once, I have nothing to write about. Why even bother opening up this blogger window, you say? Very good question. I’ll get back to you when I can answer that myself. School is near approaching…21 days to be exact. This fact scares and exhilarates me at the same time. I can’t wait until the anticlimactic or surreal nature of senior year, one or the other…or maybe both. I’m listening to “Paper Planes” by M.I.A., one of the (only) jewels on Kala, and it’s mighty distracting and making this entry seem super dramatic. I’m just rambling here. But anyway, I figure the sooner I start senior year, the sooner it will end. I realize how wrong this approach to life is, anticipating the end before the beginning has even, well, begun. To be honest, though, I don’t really care about what’s right or wrong…I just want to go to college (have I basically summed up senioritis in that one sentence? I think so).

I’m just noticing my desktop background is always some random picture I liked on the Cobrasnake. I realize how creepy this makes me, since any random girl (or boy) could end up on my desktop simply because he or she was attractive or weird enough to have a photo taken of at a random LA party. Call me whatever, but I blame it on Mark Hunter himself…hey, he put up the photo online. And I ~appreciate the photography. God, I am such a creep online…whatever, I am not ashamed. I’m realizing how stupid and pointless this entry is, and this is supposed to be my “better” blog. Okay, okay, in all seriousness…

I’m glad I have ideals. I like that I want to become a writer, and also enjoy and bemuse about the fact that I’m going to get a shitty paycheck each month, will live off ramen and water because that’s all I can afford, since I’m 75% of my paycheck will immediately go to the pricey rent in whichever city I need to live in to work whatever job. Yes, my clothes could quite possibly be too worn in and “so last season” but to me, all that really matters is that I enjoy it. That I enjoy my job, that I enjoy my lifestyle. I really don’t care what shitty pay I may get, as long as I’m still alive and what I do everyday helps me feel alive, as cheesy as that may sound. I would take the poor artist route any day over working the dead-end office job as an accountant, yet being able to buy all the Marc Jacobs I wanted. Call me stupid, call me naïve, call me innocent, call me inexperienced. But I’m sixteen and I don’t want to be tainted by the realities of life yet. I’m still young. I’m allowed to be clouded, and I’ll keep my vision until I’m forced to change.

Last notes…every song on A Little Bit Longer is my summer jam. Not really, but most of them are. I can’t wait for Tuesday, and yes, I’m actually going to buy the album.

you change your mind like a girl changes clothes.

I think I’ve been thinking about college ever since I was born. Well, you’re thinking, that’s an obvious statement, coming from a family like mine where the main goal in life is to go to a good college, get a good job, and be “successful.” And while it’s true that’s probably why college was implanted into my brain from such a young age, I think it’s more than just that fact that makes me love the idea of college. Sure, it satisfies the nerd in me that actually does want to learn, as long as it doesn’t involve certain subjects here and there. That nice part about how I get to choose my own classes has always been a huge draw. And of course, that other factor where there are no parents roaming around. Ever. RAs, whatever. College always meant party central in my mind.

But I think the main reason I loved, and still love, the idea of college so much is that coexisting part, about how we are stuffed into dorms and have to learn how to live with each other. The part where if I walk out of my room, my potential closet expands tenfold. The part about how I can eventually find another person to watch Gossip Girl with, if need be. The part about how even if said person doesn’t live in the same dorm, they only live a block or two away from me and I’ll inevitably see them the next day. That closeness was always intriguing to me, for better or worse…because I’ll admit, being around people 24/7 removes privacy right off the bat, and tears your walls down. But at this point, I think I’ve had enough of privacy, and I’ve had enough of my guard being up. I want people to break my “bubble,” as bizarre as that sounds.

Of course, there’s always the part about how college will be a new experience altogether, in another city at the very least, in another state across the country to its extreme (and the one I’m shooting for). I think those of you who regularly read this blog are sick to death about me talking about my perpetual senioritis, though, so I won’t bother. But I figured this entry was necessary for all of those who wonder why I’m so obsessed with college, about why I know all these random facts about it, about why I request brochures to every single college I want to attend and practically memorize its pages (that’s certainly what I’ve done with Northwestern’s…and that was a year ago). I’ll admit it—I’m so excited for college, and I want to be at that point 12 months from now where I’m counting down the days until I move in, not the months or the years. But the time will come.

Just got my hands on Anthony Green’s Avalon. It’s every bit as amazing as I had anticipated. Anthony Green never ceases to amaze me, whether with his looks (ha) or his incredible voice. It’s really quite different from his Circa Survive work, and that’s a good thing once in a while, as amazing as Circa is. A little more ~indie, I’d say. And yes, I’m still every bit as obsessed over the Jonas Brothers. A Little Bit Longer comes out in a week and a half, now, and I’m so excited. I love almost every single song on the album. And one last rec: “Miss California” by Jack’s Mannequin. While I’m moping around about missing the concert in Costa Mesa, at least that song will satisfy me…for now.

as the morning sun begins to rise, we're fading fast.

Haven't uploaded since god knows when...two weeks or so? And I'm not even on my own computer...there should be better things to do at the hospital volunteering than uploading my blog but so it goes. I'm unproductive everywhere I go. I'm not really sure why I even started this entry. What do I even have to talk about, besides still not having seen The Dark Knight? Yeah yeah I know it's the shit but by the time I realized I needed to see this movie ASAP, everyone already had...but no worries, amigos, I will see it eventually. I did however see Anchorman, finally...Jesus Christ Paul Rudd is my favorite; I'm in love with him. The movie was full of LOLs, of course, but I don't think those kinds of movies are the funniest for me. I guess it's the wry, subtle humor that gets me more. Or The Whitest Kids U Know...

Senioritis is hitting me even harder...I know that I keep talking about this but it's really all that's on my mind lately, besides being really fucking disappointed by the six hour wait for the American Apparel sale. I've realized the usefulness of this blog because people actually read this, as opposed to 2 people on LJ who already know all my ~inner emotions. But I just feel that barely any of my friends really understand me. I think they get the basics but everytime I'm just left wanting more...new people who are more similar to me (music-wise especially, cause that's a big deal haha) and don't always get on my ass for being ~quiet, and understand why I act the way I do when I do. I think I've spent all this year looking for funner people and then I come to realize that the people I want to be friends with most were right there all along...if that makes any sense. But in the end even that's not enough...I just want to fucking be in college already. I will repeat that sentence at least 10000 times this year, no lie.

I think now's a good time as any to talk about how I think I've changed...maybe it's just me, but I think I've become a little more who I want to be, rather than that shy mute girl in the corner that I was in middle school. I really don't know what it was that did it, nor do I really care, but I'm really grateful. I think around the people I've known since middle school, or people I've gotten to know through those people, I still act in that way...being reserved, keeping to myself, that type of thing. But it's when I meet new people that I really like the new me. It's not always, it's just sometimes, but it's a right step. And as cheesy and cliche as this sounds, it's really how I perceive myself that matters, and the rest will fall into place when I see it. These past three or four years I've been degrading myself constantly, saying how I'm not confident, I'm not open, I'm not fun, I'm not so many of these adjectives I always wanted to be. But who's stopping me from being any of those things? The worst enemy I have is myself, and I think I'm beginning to come to terms with that enemy. I hope it lasts.

I've started a new yellow notebook, not that that fact has any significance in your life...but it just felt like something worth mentioning. After going on some college forum I feel like even early decisioning to __________ won't get me in...but that's depressing to talk about, and totally contradicts my last paragraph, so I'll tell myself to stfu. Speaking of which, I've become an acronym lover. Oh yes. And last of all, one more month until senior year. We'll see how this goes.

i'm not gonna waste these words about a girl.

Sometimes you are so engulfed in your own problems, you turn a blind eye to those surrounding you. You don't acknowledge that something's bothering them, that something's wrong, and that you could fix it. And then when you learn, sometimes you still don't care...at least, not enough to put the effort into reaching out and helping out. What kind of monster have I become? And when? The worst part is, as much as I feel guilty about turning a blind eye, it's still not enough to make me overcome and reach out. And yet the guilt still pours... Yes, I'm probably making a big deal out of nothing, but how severe does the problem have to be for me to care enough to do something about it? Does it really satisfy me to just sit on my ass and do everything for myself, only? At what point will I stop being a selfish bitch and actually show compassion for others?

I always act like the pity party, that I have all this shit going on, that there are numerous things everyone doesn't like about me, blah blah blah...feel bad for me. But at rare times when I look up to see what's going on, what everyone else is involved in, it's when moments of clarity hit: that there is more to life than just me. It's not all about self-satisfaction; sure, you could live your life that way and have a pretty fulfilling life, but what about love? How can you expect love and care from others if you don't give it in return...or not even in return? And what's the point of being human, of being alive, without love?

This isn't going to be the greatest transition, from the past two paragraphs to omg! what music has carolyn been listening to? but I tried my best (not really). I adore Tuesdays, when the albums drop in stores, in iTunes, and in various downloading sites if they hadn't already been leaked. New Jonas Brothers single "Pushin' Me Away"? Yes, sir. Some other random hip-hop songs found their way to my iTunes late last night/early this morning, all fairly decent. Let's not forget the new Academy Is... single. Not horrible, better than Santi, but I must admit, I don't think they're ever going to reach the all-time high of Almost Here. And of course, My American Heart...they're definitely not new, but they've been flooding my last.fm charts ever since I saw their live show the other day. I don't really know what it was, because I thought they kind of blew after their first song, but I guess it was "Tired and Uninspired" that changed my opinion of them. If there's one thing you get out of this entry, it's to go download that song. Now. And I leave with you that...this has gone long enough.

oh, the brilliant mistakes that you seem to make.

Mint chocolate chip ice cream is so delicious. Ice cream seems to be better coming out of a box instead of a carton...maybe because it's harder to freeze? Anyway, the ice cream that is living inside of my freezer right now is perfectly soft and melts in my mouth. Mmmm. Ice cream. Food is so satisfying, even though it is pretty fleeting. I always used to wonder why people paid so much for food when they could eat just enough for sustenance, then use their leftover money for things like clothes (ha). But food just uplifts you and you alone, if only for those minutes that you're eating it. Just imagining the chicken masala from Shalimar is making my mouth water. See, clothes are also satisfying (for certain people), but it's when you get compliments from others that it feels the best. Food, it's all your own. It's just...easier to be happy with food. True, not extremely satisfying and pretty short-lived, but takes absolutely no effort (except a few dollar bills).

Increasingly now I've come to realize that fun times come rarely from the place or event itself, but who you're with and how you feel that day. I know it sounds obvious, but so often lately I've been going to places that would potentially be fun, and somewhat are, but not as fun as it would have been if this or that person were with me. And of course that number of people is so low, and there's not just one person who could accompany me everywhere and I'd have fun. And you know, it's not so much about that person being fun. It's more about who brings out my hidden fun side? Because honestly, I'm not much fun normally, all reasons having to do with being self-conscious. I know I could be so much more than what I usually show, but only around the right people. And I really wish there were more of those people around.

More people, new people, fun people...it just makes me crave college more and more. All the outgoing seniors are switching their Facebook networks to their new homes, finding out their roommates, shopping for dorms, signing up for classes, and more along that line...and it's just making me so jealous. When, when, when is it our turn? How can I possibly already be getting senioritis, and I haven't even started the year? I'm asking the world, can I just find out where I'm going to college already? and I haven't even applied yet (oh dear). Really, these past few years have been great, but not as great as they could have been (see aforementioned paragraph). I could have been better, nicer, maybe break out of this shell, more than I already have. I could have lived without regrets; I could have taken chances; I could have met so many people...but the past is the past, so I guess I'm looking out to the future. I guess technically I should be thinking of the present, but what more could I possibly do now? It's been three years. I've met (almost) everyone I need to. At this point, it's just I want out.

I'm also realizing how much my attitude is changing since that "senioritis" entry I wrote before. Is this what being an (almost) senior means?

i know we suffer for fashion or whatever.

This entry will be a little bit different from the usual...I started browsing el internet for fashion inspiration, because after going through my closet I have "no clothes." (Yeah, I'm being a whiny little girl who has tons of clothes in her closet but complains that she has "nothing to wear".) Oh, sweet jesus, do I have a lot to learn about fashion sense...so here we go!

Natasha Khan of Bat For Lashes. She has killer headbands (like the gold sequin one in the picture), ones I could hope I could pull off in my lifetime but probably can't, and has a natural gift for makeup. Yeah, it looks like she's straight out of a tribe with "face paint" but I think it looks pretty amazing. She is straight out of a fairytale, that creature. From feather headpieces to the best hair ever...or crazy earrings with crazy outfits all topped with a blue shadow over her entire eye...I think I have a girl crush. And did I mention her music is phenomenal?! Damn, hippie style is so awe-inspiring I kind of want to adopt it as my own. But then again, I think it's just my obsession with headbands...

Behold Zooey fucking Deschanel. The quirkiest indie actress (seen on Weeds! Ha!) with adorable eyes and better yet a totally unique style that I adore. She's paired a plaid scarf, funky dress, blue coat, and white heels all together to make one fabulous combo. The thing about her is, the outfits she wears would look like absolute shit if it were anybody else but she pulls it off with finesse. Like they say, she "owns it". This apparently was a "fugly" outfit on Go Fug Yourself, but I think it looks fabulous on her. Zooey is a tights master, wears the best heels, and has the cutest vintage dresses I've ever seen on a celebrity. I love her for not hiring a stylist and looking like a carbon copy of everyone else in Hollywood. Major props, Zooey!

And last but not least, Daisy Lowe,the model/DJ from Britain (and dating Mark Ronson!) I just noticed she looks uncannily skinny in that picture. Anyway, she's not so much an inspiration like the other two are, but I do dig her style. If only I had money to buy designer dresses, then I would look like her...but that's a long way coming. She wears tons of stripes and...actually, she looks really old in some photos. She definitely ventures out though, not just the typical minidress+leggings combo (okay, sometimes). I love this combo though, from the blouse to the adorable flouncy skirt and the really good heels (What is my sudden obsession with heels? I can't even walk in them.) Anyway there's Daisy Lowe for you. If you're digging the whole British socialite scene there's also Peaches and Pixie Geldof...but that's a whole other entry.

All this talk about fashion is making me want to totally revamp my wardrobe. Hopefully, and I think, that I'm going shopping tomorrow though! Here I am, revealing my inner girly girl to the world. I need to go thrift store hunting...and by thrift store, I mean usually-has-absolute-crap-but-occasionally-has-pure-gold kind of thrift store. Vintage store, totally different (in that they actually take more decent stuff, it goes out more quickly, and the prices? Way higher). What am I hunting for tomorrow? Tunics/dresses, obviously, maybe some funky tights, maybe a decent pair of shorts, mens' vests, cool headbands, and maybe I'll give in and get yet another pair of sunglasses...

you say it's chivalry, but it's jealousy.

The beginning of every year, I write around 13 to 14 resolutions. You know, the usual: get more self-esteem, work out, keep my friends, maintain my grades, still be me, blah blah. But I also went for a little something different: three themes to tackle that were my "trouble spots". And what were they? Jealousy, confidence, and honesty. They were the underlying problems to every single other problem I deemed I had. And midway through the year, I don't think I've "cured" any of them so far. But the first one in particular is becoming worse and worse everyday.

Jealousy. Considering the public nature of this blog I'm definitely not going to divulge too much into my main problem as of right now, but believe me. I need to get over myself, and get over the wish that the world is revolving around me. I seriously can't seem to stand one second of someone, somewhere not caring about me. Take plans for instance. I'm constantly being accused of "never being able to hang out" (believe me, not my fault), yet when people start slacking and start inviting me to things less and less I get so fucking jealous. It's stupid, and I get the fact that if I put in less, I'm definitely gonna get less. And yet I just keep wanting the best thing I've ever gotten from that person. I don't know how that's all making sense to you...but anyway.

I need to fucking get over it. Understand the fact that I can't have everything in this world, and to envy those of it that do seem to have everything is pointless because they probably don't have everything, and envying won't change a goddamn thing (except dampening your mood). But though I keep telling myself that, the voice is reduced to a small whisper in the back of my mind as the jealousy kicks in. Jealousy, feeling left out, self-pity, lack of confidence...all related in my mind.

On a totally different, lighter note...I finished Weeds! What a work of art...no, literally. The slurping of the iced beverages Nancy (and other characters) constantly do totally replicates a bong hit. And I can't believe it took me 38 episodes to realize that. The best part about Weeds? New episode every Monday to fixate my withdrawal symptoms. I'm on the edge of my seat as to what kind of bitch move Celia will do next week to rat out Nancy and get out of jail. Oh, and where the fuck is Conrad?! And last note, majorly loving Silas's new haircut...

To satisfy my sadness over the end of my Weeds marathon, I moved onto Daria. You know, remember the late '90s show about the cynical, sarcastic, deadpan high schooler who was "unpopular"? Had creepy parents and a "popular" sister, Quinn? Best friend Jane Lane, the artist? And, of course, the totally hot Trent Lane (by far the hottest cartoon ever created)? Ah man...I love Daria. It makes me think, who the hell cares about having all the right personality traits to make people like me? But then I remember that I don't have the guts, like Daria, to not care.

this room's too small, it's only getting smaller.

Jumping from one age group to the other...I found my new TV show marathon for the summer. Weeds! No longer talking about a preteen's double life as a pop star and teenager, now we're talking about a middle-aged woman's double life as a drug dealer and suburban mom (apparently my actual town is Agrestic's "neighbor"). Both deal with double lives...kind of similar, right? I'm honestly in love with this show, though, from Mary Louise Parker's stunning acting ability to Justin Chatwin's one-time appearance in the pilot (dammit) to the overuse of profanity...kind of a breath of fresh/adult air after a week of hearing Miley Stewart say "profanities" like "sweet niblets." Anyway, I just started season 2 and it's getting more and more fascinating. Best part? Season 4 is airing currently...not that I have Showtime, so I can't watch it. Typical. Actually I don't really care, since I don't watch that much TV on the actual television anyway, except Gossip Girl and the occasional Office episode.

I tried to start an entry twice in the past two days and right now I'm just pushing through since I already got one (useless) paragraph down, so forgive me if the rest of this turns to shit. I started asking several people if they'd rather listen to an overly cocky person or an overly modest one. Personally I'd rather take the overly modest one any day, even if he or she is just secretly fishing for compliments and knows that s/he is truly better than s/he says. I can't fucking stand pompous, full of bullshit people who think they've never done wrong in this entire world, and what they say always goes, because they're the fucking shit. I probably prefer listening to an overly modest person just because I can relate way more, since the one reason I do that is to boost my self-esteem, hearing other people compliment me and feeling better about myself. Listening to myself boost my own self-esteem, not exactly the same. But I guess being cocky is just an excessive amount of self-confidence, which is an amazing virtue I'd love to have. Plus, self-confidence gives that preconception that you actually are the shit to people you meet, instead of them having to determining it for themselves (or worse yet, thinking you are actual crap). I guess it's just personal opinion.

And on that note, I'll be going now to a) watch the rest of Weeds or b) take a nice long nap until the morning.

running races, still don't know what i've been chasing.

Really...not much has changed since three days ago, but what else can I do? My Hannah Montana marathon is over, as I've seen every single episode that could possibly be found on Youtube. Go me! Not. I tried to tackle Wizards of Waverly Place but the premise just wasn't as good, although Selena Gomez is gorgeous. The most pathetic thing about my whole Disney obsession is that...they're all younger than I am! Jesu Christo. Funny thing, I took one listen of "Watch The Sky" (SoCo) five minutes ago and it was pure amazingness. As much as I do love those Disney kids (hey, at least I don't watch The Suite Life of...whatever! Yet), my old me is beckoning me to rave about Andrew McMahon's voice instead of Nick Jonas's. Speaking of, new Jacks Mannequin soon! I'm waiting...for it to be leaked. As if I bought music? HAHA. Actually I bought a CD the other day, but let's not mention what it was...

People who always think they're right drive me crazy. Stubborn, unwilling to change their opinions, always convinced that they're the fucking best. That what they think goes, that what they say goes. Yeah, I'm back to that whole "I hate elitists/condescending people" thing again. I'm not saying I hate people who voice their opinion, but would it kill you to say it in a nice way where it doesn't demean the shit out of me? Getting shot down is one of my fears, whether it be a guy or some authority figure or one of my close friends. I know I do it too, but I get terrified when people argue a point and raise their voices over a petty thing. Okay, it might be "fun" to argue (though I don't really see it) but that degrading, I know tons of shit that you don't because you're retarded voice is really sickening.

What's amusing is that the whole "degrading" thing I talked about in the last paragraph is bothering me probably because I can't make an argument to save my life. My mom and I have the gene where we can't do comebacks (or argument-backs) or debate for shit. We're the type of people who walk away and half an hour later, smack ourselves in the head and think, "Why the fuck didn't I say that?" The other half of the family, however, are definite arguers, always getting what they want and head-butting while we play the role of mediator. Yeah, I wish I could argue my point, but I never was good with debating (at least not with speech).

I feel like I know less about myself now that I haven't done one of those introspectives in my special yellow notebook, or my myspace white box for a while. I called my blogger my introspective "about me", but it didn't exactly turn out to be a Carolyn autopsy. But it's a toss-up...do I want to keep examining my faults and occasional pros, or do I actually want to do something about it and change? Latter, please. And I feel like I've been on that road for a while.

i'm slipping into the lava, and trying to keep from going under.

I realized I've procrastinated this entry just as much as I had been procrastinating junior year finals...but now that that's all over with! I don't really think junior year was the "hardest year of my life," or "hell year" (although it did include one hell of a teacher). Sure, it was a lot of work, but my constancy in pushing everything off until the last minute worked okay, and I did get shittier grades but hey. I definitely found a better balance of work and play this year; my parents let me loose a little bit more; and I definitely didn't worry and brood over the B+/A- borderline like I had done before. Ah, but why even talk about how much I like that school's over? There's an entire summer ahead of me, with three days behind me and plenty more to go. And then...senior year? And college? This is just too surreal.

Forget about the "serious" talk. My newfound love for the Jonas Brothers is kind of sickening, embarrassing, and way too far gone. I hate, hate, hate to admit it but the poster up in my room is becoming less of a joke and more of a serious fan thing. I've replayed the "Burnin' Up" video at least ten times. I'm on the edge of my seat about watching Camp Rock. And I'm becoming like a retarded teenybopper fangirl who reads shitty magazines about Nick Jonas's favorite candy bars and shit (not really...I'm not THAT far gone, but I'm getting there). And since I did absolutely nothing today besides drive to LAX and almost kill myself ten times over, I've watched the first six episodes of Hannah Montana...and will probably finish the series by the end of the summer. Oh, what happened to me? Kill me now.

On second thought, why should I give a shit about what other people have to think about the "Disney clones"? Or about how people think Nick's voice is too whiny, or Miley Cyrus has hideous teeth (okay, she does), or that the premise of Hannah Montana is stupid (okay...that too), and that I really should not be listening to cookie-cutter "crap"? It's time we're not ashamed to admit we like an artist, no matter what a bad rep he or she may have, and no matter what kind of bad rep you might get by liking them. Who gives a shit? It doesn't make me any worse than the kinds of hipsters who seek bands that no one has ever heard of (Somebody Loves You, Boris Yeltsin?) and then flaunt the fact that they're the only ones who know the band. Liking unpopular bands just because they're the underdog. It's just as stupid as liking a popular artist because they're on the top of the charts. But honestly, I do neither. Case in point? I fucking hate that Katy Perry "I Kissed A Girl" song...and it's #1 right now on iTunes. Boo yah.

On an ending note so this entire entry won't be about my lack of shame for liking the Jonas Brothers and Hannah Montana...yearbook entries are the biggest confidence boost! Look into it, those of you with low self-esteem. Like me.

is this the quiet place where you should be alone?

This would be where the countdown until school ends and summer begins would go, except that I am far too lazy to be calculating it. But it’s coming so much sooner than I think, and yet it’s taking so long to get here…oh, lazy summer days, how I want you here so, so much. I’m getting excited with all these summer plans (that probably sound reasonable now, but when the time comes it probably just won’t play out…but that’s me, the pessimist): once-a-week amusement park trips, hitting all the California beaches we possibly can (and not just Zuma), a one-day road trip to Santa Barbara, exploring vintage stores on random streets in the SFV...

I spent the last thirty-ish hours debating whether I should go visit the majority of my family in Korea for either a three-week or five-week interval, maybe go on a trip to some other Asian country like Thailand with my cousin, and follow her around as she creates a newspaper written in English (basically, an amazing and coincidental opportunity that does not come easy). What did I end up choosing? Oh, just staying home. Perhaps getting a job or doing some dead-end volunteering that my heart isn’t really into (don’t berate me, I know how “horrible” it is that high schoolers aren’t passionate about community service and just do it for college. I know).

Why? Why would I throw away a great opportunity, plus the option to visit a whole new country (which I have wanted to do for quite some time)? Simple. I can’t stand boredom. As much as I complain about “stress” or being soooo busy during the school year, listlessness is something I just will not ever tolerate. Sitting on my ass at home with the fan on high, refreshing Facebook every five seconds while I look to someone, anyone to make plans anywhere, anytime is generally not my idea of fun.

But imagine there, the problem increases tenfold. Not only am I bored to death and stuck watching Asian TV (really, all the television I don’t watch in America I more than make up for in Korea), I’m also stuck in awkward situations where I have to work to create conversation with my family. As fluent as people might think I am in Korean, I’m not. Simple as this, I don’t think in my head in Korean, and never will in this lifetime. The words don’t flow out naturally. And honestly, I’m a horrible conversationalist talking in my native language. How am I supposed to manage it in a new country, with family members I haven’t seen in years? I know I’m supposed to try. I know they’re my blood relations. I realize I’m guilty of a billion crimes, and this is probably up there on the list. But you really can’t blame me for not wanting to force these situations upon myself. And as much as I love my cousin, she also has friends and a life and I can’t exactly leech off of her for three weeks straight.

So there it is. Home for the entire summer, for the first time with nothing really to do except (try to) make money and enjoy the best season of the year (well, almost). Home to be able to go to Warped Tour and the endless number of other concerts I’ve been wanting to go to all year but never did. Home to experience the 100-degree weather and burning my hand on the steering wheel. Home for my parent to yell at me to start working on college apps (yeah, right). So there it is. Home.

well you done done me and you bet i felt it.

Half a month it's been...and what a half of a month. Cram all the APs and finals you can, mix it with some SAT IIs and a lot of finalized grades and projects that no one's assigned the entire year, and you've got the first half of May pretty down. But I'd like to push that to the back of my mind. So can I just tell you? Right after the AP Chem multiple choice on May 13, I officially got senioritis. It might not be as severe as those seniors I referred to in the last entry, but fuck, it is not a great thing to have. I completely screwed up the free response portion of the chem test because I was so out of it, happy that I was almost tasting freedom. I proceeded to screw up my stat and chem finals, although it didn't really matter, and I've been delaying my math homework for the entire week...there goes a potential A for the pop quiz!

But do you know what the best part is? I've got all this super procrastination going on, including finishing a project two hours before it's due (that has never in my life happened to me before), and I could care less. All I can think about is summer, and next year, and even just this weekend, when life is going to be better. All I can think about is the future. All I can do is contradict everything I just wrote in that last entry about living in the present. And sure, it's not like I'm sick of anyone here yet, but my new phrase has become "dgaf" since those four letters pretty much symbolize my life.

Summer is within reach...everyone's started counting how many days there are left, which tells me that summer is pretty damn close. This is the one summer where life is carefree; there's no SAT to prepare for, or a hard junior year in front of me. Sure, there are college apps, but really, who starts in the summer anyway? This is the summer I'm going to own, the one that will finally be all mine (the freedom of driving helps, a lot). Getting a job would be nice, especially to meet people other than the ones from school, but getting hired is a bitch and I don't know what to even shoot for. Whatever happens, I know I'm going to explore LA inside out, and then maybe a little more. And just think about it...it will be the last summer of really being a high school student. How surreal.

If you were expecting some intense rant when you opened this window today, I apologize. The stress has completely left me, and with it I feel like a part of my mind is just empty, happy thoughts...which might explain the random, boring tidbits in this entry. But you know what? I'm glad this entry sort of blows. At least my life doesn't.

seniors, this one's for you.

May has crept up on me, and with it fast approaches loads and loads of tests: SAT Subject tests, floods of three hour AP tests, and the finals to go along with it. But really, the only real thing these tests signify is the end of the year coming real soon. In little over a month, I will be a senior. A senior! Te word I've been waiting for since freshman year. Yearning for everything: the privileges, the status, even the stress from college apps and the dread of rejection letters...I cant wait for all of it.

All my life I've given the word "senior" a positive connotation, but for once, now, there's something I"m dreading. Something I'm seeing in a lot of seniors now; something I hope to god I don't get: senioritis. And no, I don't mean schoolwise: I know I'm definitely getting academic senioritis, and I couldn't care less if I majorly slack off senior year-I'm already a pretty bad slacker anyway. But no, I mean senioritis in another sense: that "who cares?" nonchalance, the "why bother?" attitude. They say the opposite of love isn't hate, it's indifference, and that's exactly what senioritis embodies. Don't know what I'm talking about? I mean that mindset of not pursuing anything. Of not wanting to hang out, not wanting to take up new opportunities or make new friends. Not wanting or caring enough to make peace with someone you fought with. Just being apathetic in general about everything. And why? It's obvious, right? Because "I'm going to college. Everything will be different, everything will change, and nothing at home will even matter." It's like seniors are living already in the future, making their present already their past. They're investing all their hopes in college, and everything else in their minds just fades away.

It's that apathy that I'm terrified of. Of falling into a routine; of being too lazy to pursue anything new because time is running out anyway. I want to be that senior who takes the opposite road. The one who makes the most of her last year here, the one who isn't indifferent and actually cares about experiencing new things instead of having a "whatever" approach. Who knows if my senior year will even be all that new or exciting? All I know is that when the apathy starts to settle in, I'm going to look back on this entry and at least have an open attitude. One where I think anything can happen, even with the clock counting down to college. Unlike a lot of the seniors now, hopefully I'll actually care.